Life is so crazy but beautiful.

I have sooooo much going on lately and haven't blogged it and boy can I tell!!! =]
With Jayme and I recently graduating and finishing up summer classes while trying to finishing wedding plans, I haven't really had the time to just sit down and collect my thoughts. I figure since everyone keeps telling me how it all goes by so fast that I need to sit down and record my thoughts so i have something to look back on later on when all the madness sort of slows down. Let's be honest. The chaos never really ends, it sort of just shifts from one thing to another. But that's okay, I like staying busy.

So both of our showers were beautiful and lovely. We have never felt more loved and supported. All of the gifts, cards, well wishes and warm hugs just made our special days that much better and we are SO THANKFUL for those who were there physically or letting us know in spirit they were there =]

After that we had another BIG event in our life! We decided to both get baptized and commit everything we are and our relationship to God. We are fully ready for the ministry and plans that He has set for us and we are just waiting and enjoying life while we start to see those plans slowly unravel. I cannot begin to tell you how much we've both changed and it's been for the better. I am overwhelmed with God's love and His grace and I see every day more and more how much I need Him...not only need Him, but WANT Him in my life. I want to feel His love every moment of every day. I want to learn more about what it means to be selfless and love others. I just feel...different. And my husband to be...SO different. He's always had a beautiful, humble, compassionate and innocent heart. But lately it has just REALLY been able to shine through him and I'm so incredibly proud of the man he is and is becoming. With that being said, I'm so excited to cheer him on for training for the police academy. We're hoping and praying he does well on the testing but we have no doubt that God will bring him through victoriously if that is the plan for Jayme's life. =]

Next, oh man...wedding drama...there has been some drama but every time something bad happens it's like God sweeps it out and puts me in His pocket of grace. Some days, I literally feel held by Him. Fights have occurred, hurt feelings, stress, tears, and broken friendships but God is restoring it all and healing my wounds. He also is gracing me with beautiful new skin over those scars, such as...showing me strength in friendships I've never discovered before, money that I need, resources in general, helping hands and just the answers I need. The biggest drama was probably my dress......that's a whole story in itself.

Back in the fall when my mom was caring for my ill Aunt, I decided...as I was back then, that I was going to try to do EVERYTHING...literally it all on my own. I didn't want to stress anyone out and I didn't feel it was fair to take her from my Aunt. So I went ahead and bought a dress, online. I figured I didn't need the girly dress trying on experience because I've ALWAYS been a "tom boy" and I just kind of picked one and went with it. I didn't feel too connected to it or anything, except for the fact my Aunt had gotten to see a picture of it before she died. When I got it, it fit ALL wrong. I was soooo determined to get in that baby. SO, I've been working out like  crazy, eating healthier, etc etc. I was finally able to fit into it except well it just didn't fit in the chest area, let's just say that! AND can I be honest for a second? NOT all women that have a smaller waist, also have a small bust, let's just get that straight ;)  While I was trying to be super optimistic and work my tail off, I just started to FRET and worry about this situation. I no longer wanted that dress, and felt like after my Aunt died, I had a negative emotional connection to it, as well as not wanting to make my mom feel guilty for not being here, etc etc. The day comes to go pick it up from getting steamed and try it on...dun, dun, dun........

Yeah, no go...It fit everywhere but the bust, STILL...I couldn't breathe but we got it all laced up but it wasn't comfortable. The hem was about 2-3'' too short, you could see my feet. This was just NOT it. I held it all in during the fitting and just held back the tears. I didn't admit it to my mom or best friend that was there at the time but I felt so ugly I didn't even want to look at myself...I didn't even want to THINK about walking down the aisle in it, or getting pictures in it. This just was NOT my dress...soooo...I put on a smile and walked out the door with the dreaded dress. Not being able to eat or sleep ALL week because I've literally been up worrying about this stupid dress ALL week...I walk into the place we're having lunch and could not keep it together. All I could think was, well I'm gonna have to starve myself these next two weeks to be beautiful for my day. I did not want Jayme seeing me in that dress. I felt hideous. So as I got my sandwhich I still held back the tears until my mom just looked at my and my best friend grabbed my arm. Both reassuring me that it would be fine I couldn't hold it in any longer. We sat down and instantly I started bawling. If you know me, you know I don't do well with tears in front of others, or tears in public. I'm just weird like that. Part of that whole doing it on my own thing. So I BAWLED like a baby...it felt great. I needed that.

I admitted to them both about missing out on the girly experience and feeling like an idiot and wishing I wouldn't have chosen that dress. I wanted a dress to choose me and my dress was NOT doing that. It was rejecting me so badly in so many ways. So I talked with them both about ALL of my feelings, admitting I was wrong for trying to do it on my own and my best friend goes...well, we're still here and the bridal shop is right there...what do you want to do? What do you think Aunt Angel would want? Of course I answered, go get another dress. Thank God I've got friends to force me to think about what I want. I looked at them both and said, I don't know how to be selfish, I don't know how to focus on me...Jessie (my best friend) looks at me and goes, "That's okay, I can help you. This is something you deserve and need to be selfish for, this is your wedding and I know you're only doing this once." In that moment I realized ya know what...she's absolutely right. I will not enjoy this experience and day without feeling beautiful and my momma agreed. So we went back over to the shop after lunch, explained our situation and had a lovely woman help me try on some dresses. She had me try on 5 and it ended up being the first one I tried on. I walked out and instantly was crying and told my mom "I feel like a princess, I look like cinderella" and when I came out the second time in it, before I could even ask her if this was the one I looked out and she was shaking her head yes so fast and much that I thought she was going to give herself a concussion! =] So that's how I knew it was it. Sometimes I feel that way with Jayme. He fits my life, my purpose, my passion. He's everything I need and want in a man and helpmate and God knows that. All the others were just like the dress that got in the way of my real gown. Jayme is my ultimate. He's my soul mate and this whole day was so emotional but it was so representative of everything I've gone through to get to Jayme. I am SO thankful. The best part too was that I got to ring a bell when I decided it was my dress. They had me make a wish but I said a prayer instead that it would be cheaper and by george it was! I'm not shy to say I only paid $399 for a $699 dress! God is SO good all the time, even with something as simple as a wedding gown. Thank you God for having MY best interest at heart.

Why don't I trust...

I am such a doubting Thomas when it comes to my role after college and what God has in store for me. My Dad reminded me tonight that I need to finish school and wedding stuff before I try to load myself with a career or further planning for schooling. However, the world tells me differently. My Heavenly Father says to rest but the world says to worry. I get so caught up in what I need to get done for what's current on Earth instead of what's on my heart. Tonight my Dad also showed me a project from my first semester freshman year of college. I must admit I was MUCH more optimistic and not quite burnt out on college but it made sense. We watched/read the final lecture by Randy Pausch in this class I had to create my own final lecture. If you've never read or watched his I HIGHLY suggest to do so. It is SO rewarding and truly makes you think about the legacy you're leaving behind.
As much as our actions we leave behind are important in what we build for our families so are our words. Often what we do stems from our words. Think about it: a fight? a paper? a job interview? a test? etc
What we're speaking we usually hopefully maybe turn into action. At times we may NOT want to put our angry words into action. But other things we do such as commitment, promises, characteristics we describe ourselves with and other things we speak.
Words can build a city or tear it down and our words cut much deeper than we will EVER realize because most of the time, when we're hurt by others words we never say anything. It doesn't have to even be words SPOKEN but it can be the things left UNSPOKEN that breaks us just as easily.
I guess tonight I decided the world's words were not going to neither make or break me any longer. My long run dreams for the big picture 10 or 20 years down the road is to start a youth home or safe haven. I want youths to know that they're important, loved and smart. They have more potential than they know or than the world can possibly fathom. Most importantly they have purpose. I am SO overwhelmed with knowing I HAVE purpose, even though I have NO job/career started or idea of what I'm doing in August. ALL I know is that I'm going to enjoy the next 30 days approaching my wedding. The day I marry the best person for me. The one that God created with intentional purpose. I am so blessed beyond my measure. I cannot ever thank God or those around me enough that continually put up with my good, bad and UGLY. For that my heart says pay it forward, and so I plan to do so with my life whether that means I'm poor, a missionary, or have to go back for more schooling. At this point I've planned all that I can and now I just have to trust that I've planned accordingly to God's will and hang on for the ride I'm about to embark on. The adventure has just started.

On a side note, we took two weeks break in between seven and started our 7 daily prayers today. Might I say it's A LOT harder than I thought...I worry and burden SO much more than I need to (which is a sin) ugh. I'm struggling BUT I've been mindful and every time I stress, wonder or what if I turn to God in prayer. It's been super helpful for these two days because they've been the most stressful since graduation! Gah but God is good and faithful I will continually proclaim. I hope you all have landed in a pocket of His grace and are enjoying this spring season! Before we know it the summer heat will be upon us =]