I get by with a little (a lot) of help...

Seeing the title I'm already showing that I can't get through things totally on my own. I'm constantly needing help. And I know at times, some things I have to do just God and me. But that's just it...God. Not me. However, I'm human and I need some prayers and help from those who pray. 

I'm so frustrated with my body. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I am sick of being sick. Sick of everything I try ending back at square one. Putting my weight back on. Causing my stomach pain and problems. Painful acne. Painful joints.  Not sleeping normally. I am sick of hurting. Depression and anxiety.  I am so so so overwhelmed with defeat. But my God is bigger and greater. 

I just really need some prayer warriors. Even right now as I'm typing this out on my phone, ironically my pandora is playing every single worship song that always brings me to tears and complete intimate vulnerability with my Savior. That's how awesome He is. And I fervently believe in who He is and I believe that my God who created me can bring me peace and restoration. Sometimes I think though, we need our brothers and sisters in Christ to raise us up continually. It gets harder every day, continually crying out. But I shall be earnest and faithful. 

"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame. And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise, from the inside out. Oh my soul, cries out."

"Lord, I need You. Oh, I need You. Every hour I need You. My one defense. My righteousness oh God how I need You. When I cannot stand I'll fall on You."

This Probably Means I'm Hypocritical...

To some of those who read this...I'm sorry if I come off as bossy, pushy, under educated or anything else that it may make me seem. I only apologize because it will probably be misread and taken for something that it is not intended. However...people will assume about me what they want no matter how hard I defend myself or otherwise. So, instead of convincing you of things I am, I will tell you what I'm not....

-a parent

-physically fit in the eyes of society/too fit in the eyes of society

-perfect

The reason I mention the above subjects is because this is all I ever see anymore on social media. And while I'm glad people are (hopefully) using their critical thinking skills while reading and posting things, I also think they're forgetting something. There are people who aren't in their shoes not choosing a side or a stance on the matter. For example...I'm none of the above things so why should I have a say about it. How I feel about these matters don't really ring any legitimate meaning because I've never faced these issues. But I can tell you some things that I am concerning the above topics. By no means in any of this am I bashing anyone for their stance or reasoning, just sharing my own and wishing that instead of filling our media with arguments (not discussion) and put downs on how other people are living their life.I'm by no means saying I support or do not support anything in this blog, I'm simply speaking of my observations about what has been said. So, I am...

-A young woman who desires more than anything in the world to be a mother. To feel life living off of her own body. To know what it is like to create a human with her husband. While I may seem like I have just as good of a chance to have children as the next woman, that's not true. I have an endocrine disorder that works against the natural reproduction system. And while I love seeing motherly posts about pride and information...it upsets me. Not because I may not be able to have children and some women I know do, but because some of the time these posts are so bossy and pushy. I feel like women are continually attacking each other, which only gives even more permission to the world around us to belittle the role of the woman in the world. Women attack each other for how they feed, care, and even birth their children. It no longer is an educational discussion about what we know and what we don't know, it has now become a full on attack at who raises their children better, disguised with words and pictures. It hurts me to see more mom's attack than encourage and support their fellow sister that may be struggling on a daily basis to just feel like she's a competent mother. Some days I cry and ache because I face the strong possible reality of not having children. I meet women who've been diagnosed with PCOS and tried for years with success and those who have not. And just because there are women who have been blessed with children doesn't mean that I will be. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up on it. I just don't have a place to say how parenting should occur, but I also don't think others have a right to judge that based upon a child they don't know.

-Skinny. I do not know the life of a skinny girl, I mean I went through puberty starting in 3rd grade,so I never had the chance to be a skinny girl...life was not that favorable to me. However, later on in life I realized it's not always so favorable to be skinny. My sister was ALWAYS skinny and actually had a harder time gaining weight. She was made fun of for being too skinny, often called anorexic or bulimic and boy was she far from it, if anyone knows it's me because I was always the one snacking with her ;) My point here is that I see all of the "Real men love..." skinny, not skinny, curvy, women looking like Marilyn Monroe, whatever that means. Honestly, let's define "Real Man" and then after that let's stop categorizing people and realize that you DON'T have to have a "type". Let's realize that there is a possibility that a man can be attracted to a skinny and curvy or overweight girl.  Once again, the majority of people I see posting these things are women. Why do we attack one another? Not to mention, why do we get to choose skinny or curvy as things men love or like about women. I forgot the part where we talk about character and passions. I forgot that women are nothing but bodies...hello women it's 2014 have you not heard of feminism. Of being proud of being real humans and thinking that maybe some men actually want women who are feminists, who believe they're more than a body?! Phew, I could rant about this for hours...needless to say I am a woman who is SICK of being seen as nothing more than a skinny, overweight, curvy or any other adjective you can think of....fill in the blank here.(                       ) Body. Because I'm SURE if you asked my husband, the first thing on his list, wouldn't be my body.

-Lastly, like anyone else I have days where I vent probably a little too much on social media, like maybe you think this blog is that exact thing and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion which is why I apologize ahead for seeming slightly contradicting. I'm not saying people should or should not post their views, stances, emotions etc but I am saying we should do so from an educated point of view. Or let's put it this way, I want to defy the labels that older generations have set upon my generation about being impulsive, emotional and not rational thinkers. Forgive me if this seems to be any of those things and forgive me for my imperfect grammar skills. If I were writing to be published in some scientific journal, I would approach this differently. But I'm not writing on a scientific level, I'm writing from a citizen concerned about our culture. Concerned about how we address our problems and how we bring those problems to others. I'm fearful for when/if I have children that they will no longer know what it means to be poised, eloquent, and respectful in their thoughts. I'm afraid that they will confuse passion for a subject with pride and inability to listen to others with an open mind. I'm simply afraid for how I see relationships unraveling between loved ones over issues alike and beyond what I've mentioned above. And if this is out of line, my most sincere apologies but if it's okay to bash one another without thinking of our repercussions on social media sites, then why is it NOT okay to talk about how we SHOULDN'T handle things that way? I don't understand this "Get all mad and spew things on social media...but not want to talk about it like mature adults in real life"...At the end of the day, I am a child of God and I firmly believe in the power of grace and reconciliation. I believe that His governing is more powerful than what I or any other person "in charge" of our life can do. And if you don't believe that, okay. You have that right. Because God is about love and choosing to love Him back. It's never about pressure and putting on a show. Not to me anyways. I am a sinner. I am saved by grace that I've accepted through salvation. I am a lover of the light. 

As you can tell, I'm very passionate about this, excuse any spelling or grammar errors. This was a rant straight from my heart, so I think I will leave it as is, flaws and all. 

Colossians 3:12-15 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and [a]patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14 Beyond all these things put on love, which is [b]the perfect bond of unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ [c]rule in your hearts, to which [d]indeed you were called in one body; and [e]be thankful.

Winds of Change are roaring...

Today was a great day full of job hunting, which is now done completely online and I hate. Call me old fashioned but I like being able to make a first impression and show my determination for a job application. I also find it strange that some applications ask you not to call to check on your application and if you do it may eliminate your application from being looked at...so crazy. However, along with the job hunt came anxiety and fears of not knowing what I actually want to do. While I'm applying to a plethora of positions, I mostly just want something that will fulfill my life by helping others. I mean, that's pretty much why I have a psych degree, anyways.

I also made a two week meal plan and grocery list for us that includes GF meals. To help keep the both of us on track I also made lists of food we can and cannot eat to post on the fridge, helpful reminder that when I eat I want to eat healthy, and although we won't buy the food on the "not to eat" list, I can at least remember why I'm making this change. Plain and simple, Jayme and I want to be around for one another as long as we can, and that truly starts now. We also want to start a family within the next couple of years or whenever God blesses us with children and we already have many odds against us, so eating healthy and working out will help with my PCOS symptoms and can actually boost fertility. It's crazy to be almost 24 years old and thinking about how I can boost my fertility by changing my lifestyle. I guess that's just part of growing up for me. I am so fortunate to have a husband who stands by me in this and wants the same things I want...1)For me to be healthy and 2)to start a family. I couldn't ask for a better partner in this life.

Although I have a lot left to accomplish in this life, I have to start somewhere. So who knows what I will end up finding my passion in. Maybe God will bless me with many jobs I find great joy in, until I become a mother and make that my full time job! Or maybe I will balance both things, who knows. I do have great joy from the plans I know He has for me, whether I'm currently aware of them or not. I'm one of those people that if I know something is coming up in the near future, I analyze and plan it TO DEATH. I think being in the dark about my future, is actually for the better...otherwise I'd probably ruin it with my human nature to be curious and pick at it until it no longer has the excitement it once held. Patience, patience, patience. I'm in a season of rest and that's okay. It just gets a little lonely and frustrating.

Galatians 6:9 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.

Satisfaction

I know this is not my word for the year but humility has something to do with my investment in the word satisfaction. I know that writing is often looked at as a way to whine about how one feels, but I also think it's a gift because I know many people that find it very difficult to relay what they're feeling through pen and paper or laptop key board. My husband being one of those people who doesn't like to write but still appreciates the art, tries very hard to write things down to show his affection for me, because he knows it means that much more to me than just simply saying things all the time. That right there is a PURE example of humility and love. He puts his interests aside so that I can be not only happy but feel cherished. 

Humility is about putting others before yourself, which I often try to do. I also try to speak up and talk about my feelings because that's how I was raised. However, growing up in a home where my father was an alcoholic for the first half of my life and my mother has fought anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar disorder my whole life but mostly the last half of my life, writing became my means of staying alive, literally. Many people, most people in my life know what I've been through, but they don't know how I actually have let it impact me through out my entire life. I'm not writing this entry to play the victim or ask for pity. But I'm a firm believer in humans sharing our stories so that we can have compassion for one another. So that maybe in a world so chaotic and dark, a time when we are losing our faith in humanity...our humility, vulnerability and honesty could change the world, one story at a time. As a girl who always has worn a smile in front of others and held everything in, for more than just saving face, people often assume that I have a perfect life or I'm strong so I can handle the hits, or that I think I'm better or more important than other people. Which is quite the opposite of what I am, or how I see myself. I'm no saint, and I'm not better than anyone else...I just try to be better than I was the day before.Already my word for the year is being tried...I constantly feel like I'm not good enough for both of my families, my relationship with God, my husband and most importantly myself. Loving myself has ALWAYS been a challenge. My history of self hatred and insecurity goes way back, as does most of our stories.....

 I didn't have a father who taught me what true beauty was or how to be comfortable with who I am and we've hashed out the hurt but the wound still exists.In school I was bullied...getting spit on in the face, pushed into lockers constantly, having people always make jokes about my weight when I was just going through puberty/PCOS, being made fun of because my clothes came from walmart (all we could afford) and even having people post pictures of me on myspace with the words "who let the cows out?" yeah...it sticks with you. Those thoughts constantly have bullied me far much longer than the actual bullying happened...but that's what people don't realize. My dad constantly told me to "get over it", "let it roll off your back" or "well maybe you should exercise, can't be mad at them for kinda telling the truth."...and even if he did try to fight for me, the school did nothing and said "It's out of our hands..." even when a student continually spat in my face for two years. That reminder was there...you're not enough to be treated better or to be fought for. Fortunately today my dad constantly reminds me of my importance and it wasn't easy to get to the wonderful relationship we have now, it was an ugly but beautiful process. It was messy, mostly anything including humans will get messy because we aren't perfect. Fact of the matter is, I had to become humble with my father because he didn't have a father. The men that were in his life took him to crack houses, beat people-women and men, and drank and drove with my father in the car. My dad did not know any better but I can say with utmost pride he has never done drugs around me or even thought about taking me somewhere to do them while I was with him, he never has hit me or anyone in front of me, he never drank and drove while I was in the car. Yes my dad has a past like most...but he did not ever DO these things IN FRONT of me...he never involved me...he wanted more for me, but just didn't know how to fight for me. Now he stands firm behind me, and although because we have the same personality, we clash at times...at the end of the day he always apologizes and wants to make things better. He is constantly dreaming with me and telling me I can do things that I think are impossible. He believes in me. That's humility. I finally feel like my daddy's princess...even if I am 23 years old. I tear up just thinking about how cherished I am by my father. 

With my mom I felt like I was good enough most of my life, except the fact that I couldn't understand why she was sad all the time and if she was so happy with us why wouldn't she just be happy all of the time. Of course I was young that it didn't make sense to me. Now as I go through depression, I totally get it. When I went to high school my mom's stability took a turn for the worse and she began her journey to recover from a past of poverty, 9 years of abuse-physically, sexually, emotionally etc. as a child and abandonment. She also has dealt with many tragic deaths in her life including a kid napping/murder of a friend's child and she cared for and lost her best friend of 30 years to lung cancer last year. My relationship with my mom was always great until she had her breakdown while I was in high school. Because of a lot of symptoms of her bipolar disorder and meds, she was very disconnected from me, from life and herself. There are years my mom can't even remember of important events and just simple times together of happiness. There were fights she doesn't remember and words that were said that could never be taken back that she's apologized for, but doesn't even know what was said. To me, that is humility. She apologized for something she doesn't even have the capability of remembering let alone thinking she actually did it. It took a really long time for me to see how much she loves me. It's hard to believe you're enough when your mom continually hurts herself or tries to kill herself...in my teenager mind her actions translated to "You're not enough for me to stay alive.". Of course I couldn't understand what she was going through because I didn't want to, I wanted a "normal" happy life. I didn't want perfect, I wanted stable. And although my mom has a hard time rememebering my entire senior year of high school, she went entirely through my wedding without her anxiety meds and she was involved and stayed calm. She remembers my wedding, she walked me down the aisle and she is my prayer warrior. I call her job because she's been through so much but she relentlessly praises God. She is Job to me, in my phone I have her listed as MommyJob. She will always be the most humble person I know. I'm so proud of how far she's come. Especially lately. 

So with my home life and being bullied for being poor and overweight, I had no reason to believe I was worth it, except my relationship with God. It wasn't until my Aunt Angel told me that God loves me more than I can imagine that all I had to do was accept His love, that I felt worth it. Hurting myself didn't bring me that peace at all, and neither did believing the lies of the kids at school who were probably hurting just as much as I was, and partying later on certainly did not bring me peace. I begged my mom to homeschool me or let me homeschool myself but she wouldn't. She said that school needed me, because there wasn't much of God's light there. She was right...I cried almost every night when I got home from school and before I left for school but then I just started praying for those people and it got better. I could finally breathe again. But those wounds will forever mark my heart with a big big scar. Including the hurt from young men that were not very loving to me, so I truly had no idea about love.

Now I find myself being insecure with my husband, and it isn't because of anything he's done, but because of what I've been through. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to be humble about and that is to take my past and put it behind me and my husband...to move on. I need to be able to lay down my pain and trust issues to see that my husband truly loves me and isn't going anywhere. I asked him the other day how he puts up with such an emotional pain in the butt and he gets firm but loving with me and says "You're not any kind of pain to me." His humility makes me want to give everything to him. His love makes me feel better about myself than I ever have, and it's not that HE makes me feel that way but it's the love, the proof. It's his words and his look. It's his commitment in every little thing he does. Right now we have to be selfish with one another and build a strong foundation but I don't think that's wrong. I feel like in order for marriage to be successful there has to be a strong foundation of humility, trust, vulnerability and love. It's about two people making ONE life fit...TWO pasts, ONE future...that is SO incredibly hard. It's about two families and leaving those families as it says in Genesis to become ONE. Although we are becoming one, we've not forgotten our identities and interests, instead we involve one another in them. Jayme goes to musicals with me and I watch more sports...that kind of thing. And we've both learned with an open mind that we don't mind what the other loves...we've learned to become passionate about one another's hobbies. Marriage is such a beautiful gift and as I get older I find out that more things in life, more situations, more people make me more humble because of how they love with everything they've got. 

I try so hard every day to play mediator in everything, it's kind of always been that position for me in life. People have always brought their problems to me, or blamed me for them. I'm that person...and it's okay. I've long ago accepted that many people won't like me....and it's okay because I'm not looking to be liked but I do long to be loved. I long to have acceptance from my immediate family/inlaws, friends, and sometimes even people at church. I'm looking for love and acceptance from people that I give unwillingly my love to...my Sister tells me I love so strongly and that because I do when others don't give that love in return I get offended or hurt. She's right...I begin to feel like I'm not good enough for their love, like I need to earn it. But I've realized those same people who I try and fail so badly for...are the same people who always tell me how strong I am, but never ask if I'm okay. I haven't quite figured out why they never ask, but I think it's because they've made me their strong person. I literally can't remember the last time someone besides my parents or husband asked me out of the blue if I'm okay, or how I'm feeling. These realizations help me to see that I need to remain humble and be that strength but to remember not everyone knows how to love as strong as I do. Not everyone has lived a life where at times, love is truly all you have. This could be the most important lesson of humility I learn. Instead of  being bitter about being a strong person to these people, I should see it as an honor and gift. That they trust me enough to talk about how they feel, and to share that part of who they are with me. And I look forward to continually learning and hearing the stories of others. 

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary,And to him who lacks might He increases power.

What's All The Fuss?

I've never been a huge fan of New Years celebrations and resolutions, in part because I never follow through with my own...So I gave up on those a long time ago, however, I was reading on one of my best friend's blog about choosing a word for the New Year. I'm a huge fan of this idea because I believe there is such power in words. We build our attitudes, opinions, morals and relationships around words. We use words to express ourselves and our perception of the world around us, just like this very blog. As I sit here thinking of a million words I could claim for this year (mostly negative) I push those off to the side. I want this year to be different, like most who make their annual resolutions. I too want a change, difference and adventure. But I can't do that if I'm so focused in on just the negative in my life, and there has been a lot in my life, like most humans. We experience the good but we also fight through the bad. I choose to overcome adversity, and the only way I know how to do that is take on an attitude of humility. That's my word for 2014. Humility.

Dictionary definition:a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness
Sometimes I think people confuse humility for weakness or not having self worth. But to me it's admitting that the world doesn't revolve around you and seeing that others have needs just as much as you do. To me it reminds me that I can't do everything on my own. It shows me that love can conquer all and humans aren't a complete lost cause. An ounce of humility can change a heart of stone...I would know, I've experienced it many times in my life.

So humility, that's what I want to live...see...speak and act out on. 

Thinking about all the resolutions I've been seeing this year thus far, I've been really encouraged to believe in myself. Maybe this year I will reach goals I've longed to have met for years. Prime example...

1. -Go GLUTEN FREE, ahh scary to me, but trying this out starting Monday! =] 
2. -Exercise Monday-Friday at least 30 min a day
3. -Lower and eliminate my caffeine/soda intake
4. -Keep up with the above lifestyle changes because they ultimately can decrease my PCOS symptoms!!!
5. -Digest my past and process it, instead of suppressing it (working on a lot lately)
6. -Celebrate life, instead of dwelling on loss and death
7. -Pray and read the word everyday (always has been a struggle)
8. -Somehow get back into singing
9. -Blog every day
10. -Believe in myself
11. -Keep falling harder for my husband every single day.
12. -Be a better wife every day

Looks like I have a long list of things to work on in 2014 but without change I wouldn't be growing.Ephesians 4:2 "with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love"