I just want to do more...

For years I thought I was meant to be a teacher. I was positive it was my calling. I had my heart set on teaching. But after seeing a lot of what happens behind the scenes in the education world, I lost that zest, passion and desire to teach. I felt that I was more of a babysitter than really a student that volunteered to help students learn. I really found that once I was in, I wasn't really as passionate about the work, as I thought. And even now, I realize there's a reason I felt the need to bow out of education and pursue a degree in psychology. 

No, I do not want to pursue my masters or phd in psych. I don't have a strong desire or wish to be a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. However, I have a need/desire to help others but I want to make a career out of it. I know there are people who are making a career out of what I am currently doing, but that is NOT my desire. I love kids, yes but I'm not sure my purpose in life is to work with kids full time in my position now. Some people don't believe they have a purpose but I do, firmly. And right now, I don't feel I'm fulfilling that purpose. 

If you know my story, then you know according to doctors I'm not meant to be here. My mom wasn't supposed to conceive any children after my sister and she sure wasn't trying when she found out at 6 months she was pregnant with me. And although so many impossible a were thrown at my mother and my future, I'm here. Healthy. Alive. Capable of doing more. I want to make a huge difference in this world. Growing up my mom was a CMA. I loved going to work with her and my dream was to work in pediatrics. However, as I got older and I struggled more with math and wasn't encouraged to keep interested in science (even though I've always LOVED science), I started to believe I wasn't smart enough for anything medical. 

I settled for accepting that I wasn't good enough. As I'm getting older, and have worked with kids more and more over the years I realize I want more. I am by NO means selling anyone short that works with kids. It is HARD work. It takes patience and compassion. It takes determination and routine/structure. It takes discipline and passion. For me, I lack that passion, I lack the patience. And I've lacked the confidence for far too long, to do what I truly want to do. When I first started college my dad and I were having an in depth discussion about my future. Of course, 18 year old me had NO idea what I wanted to do. My dad suggested nursing and I thought yeah I could do that. But then doubt crept in and I told myself I was too stupid. Bad experiences with school/teachers flooded my mind and I wouldn't even consider it an option because I felt so truly dumb. But I love the atmosphere when I'm around anything medical. I'm fascinated with science and technology. Obviously with psych we used stats, research etc. I've found something I truly want to do at a relatively young age.  And even now many people I know STILL don't truly know "what they want to be when they grow up." It's not uncommon. And now they say people have as many as 2-4 different careers if not more in their life. I feel like I've come a long way since 18 when I don't think many people actually know what they want to do. What their purpose is. 

Life happens. Plans change. I'm free spirited and easy going so for me it's not as scary or hard. I like to change. I hate hate hate growing stagnant. I refuse to do it. And that's why I want to continue my education. I want to grow as a person professionally, intellectually and personally. I want to challenge myself to overcome my low self esteem and believe in myself. I want to start a journey that will lead to a stable career. Who knows maybe after years of nursing I could do something medical with missions. I see myself growing so much in this type of field. I have the drive NOW. I tried the working with kids thing and it hasn't been the right thing for me yet. And I'm not going to look at that as failure but that I'm trying something, gaining some sort of experience in efforts of working towards my ultimate goal. I want to do more. 

Reconciliation, Restore, Regain

For many people they take on the mantra "Forgive but never forget!" in a negative manner.

They are so deeply wounded by something that they grow bitter, angry, and even develop a grudge towards whomever hurt them, and anyone who associated themselves with that person. 

And, guess what?

That was me.

It hurts, that at one point in time, I was such an ugly person. I never thought I was, but when I sit back and examine my behaviors and attitude from the last 5-6 years, I find that I was selfish. I didn't love as I do now. I didn't know how.

You see, I hadn't truly accepted a love from God, which I knew for me was the only way I would know what love was. To love my Creator, myself exactly how I was. To love myself enough that I wouldn't pick apart my own image, or scoff at others. You see, even now today I can't even bring myself to laugh at things like "People of Wal-mart" or anything of the sort. It hurts me so deeply that grown adults think it is funny to belittle others and crush them in spirit, because what...it benefits us?

-humor

-self-esteem

-putting down others to gain power

Just a few reasons, of why I did this. And it wasn't that I was attacking strangers I had never met, but I literally would break down in MY mind, people that hurt me. People I once loved so much (still do). People I missed (also, still do).

I always thought I was a good friend through high school and college and I look back to see that I wasn't that great then, and am a COMPLETELY different person now. However, I think the person and friend I am today, is so much better than who I used to be. I talked about love earlier, remember? Well...we all have a first love experience, whether it's good/bad, beautiful/ugly, something you want to remember or something you want to forget, forever or short lived...we have it. I do anyways.

I am so blessed with having a husband who never experienced love before me. Because, of this he loves much more than I let myself at times, and he wasn't as afraid of being hurt as I was. Although, I have made peace with that situation, it still stings at times and looking back on that experience, I realized it molded me in so many ways that I thought I could not control at the time. I let it leak into my friendships, because "if you hurt me, I will build a wall and block everyone out." I wasn't a good friend, I wasn't even the best company to be around. I was so so so terrified of being hurt by anyone, because I was so fragile, that I pushed anything and everything that mattered to me, away. I even tried to push Jayme away (we had JUST started dating at the time) but he fought for us, for me. I was so weak, so tired and so confused. I knew I was growing up and moving away to college, which scared me as well so I withdrew even more. I could NEVER explain this to those I hurt back then and may still be hurting now. I am so sorry.

I took on the song "Second chance" by Shinedown as my inspiration  because it depicted everything I felt. I needed to get away from my past...which was not pretty. I was so ashamed of the life I had been living, partying, being around drugs, being in situations I KNEW I didn't want to be in. And when my one (best) friend, who was honest and true with me said "Why are you doing this? You're better than this!" I. Shut. Down. I mean I was done. I pushed her out.

I wanted to be irresponsible and just run wild like others had done with my heart. I didn't want to have to take care of my mom any more and be stressed by that situation. I didn't want to keep up with my commitments. I wanted to be young and stupid, as people say. I wanted to drink an unhealthy amount, I wanted to be drunk. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to disappear. And that is why I couldn't be a good friend. I wasn't even a good Felicia. I think that subconsciously I knew I was bringing down others with me and for that reason, I felt I had to let them go. I was emotional, on edge, paranoid and lost. I continued to party and get myself sucked into a depression hole. I had forgotten about the joy of my salvation. 

However, God is great. He reconciles, gives me peace and fixes all those things that I think are beyond repair. He sure did remold me. I mean, He had to let me get knocked off the table and crack into a bunch of pieces, but He scooped up all those pieces, dusted them off and saw their infinite worth. He didn't glue me back together and try to patch up my problem areas, no, He completely broke me to the bottom...

I lost all of my friends for the most part from high school because of conflict that I refused to resolve as an adult and instead just tried to delete it from my life, resulting in many burned bridges and heart wounds that I'm still praying will be reconciled. Still asking for forgiveness and trying to mull over.

I lost my dignity at times, feeling worthless because of how I let myself be treated.

I lost my hope, and let the world over rule my emotions, desires and goals.

I lost...I lost...I lost...the list could seriously go on.

This time of year is always hard for me, because this was the time of year that I lost all of those things...

I still have dreams of all those friends, I still pray for them and hope they're living the lives I know they deserve and talked with me about. I pray they find love. I pray they find it in their hearts to forgive me.

I wake up from those dreams hopeful, missing them so badly with an ache that I didn't know I could have for people, that I haven't had a legit conversation with, in almost 4 years.

I sometimes wake up feeling empty...like pieces of my heart have gone away with those friendships, and long to have them back only because I want those people there in my life. They enriched my life, I loved them. I had faith in their hopes and dreams...I walked with them through tough journeys. We had strong soul ties.

However, I no longer feel guilty. I can't. Yes, I have a lot to apologize for if I have time to do that with them. Which I hope and pray I do. BUT, I would NEVER want to apologize (or receive an apology) purely out of guilt. I want to give my apology in terms of truly being sorry, remorseful and saddened at my behaviors and how I've hurt others. Although, I don't see these opportunities coming about any time soon, I have a God who thinks, knows and dreams bigger than I even can. I will earnestly pray for the day that I get to see reconciliation between these important bridges that I've long ago burned, torn down and ruined. I am living proof it can happen, between me and God. 

"Throw it away, forget yesterday. We'll make the great escape!" 

Today I got married!

And my husband is okay that it wasn't a renewal ceremony to him. Crazy? Silly? Odd? Maybe to many. Maybe to most. But today I devoted a piece of my heart back from a place that had been hidden in anger, darkness, and depression. A place where I thought it was masked so well and buried so deep that even my God, my creator couldn't find it and bring down the walls to this "secret" place. 

There are sweet secret places of the most high, however, this is not so much. This is a secret lonely world, that I have locked myself into because of a label. And I have always tried so hard to steer clear of labels, until this one. If you've read my blog you've probably come across a blog or two that talks about my journey with PCOS. Seeing as how there is no current "cure" I see it as a long and winding road, with mountains and valleys. With triumphs and despair. This is MY journey and my journey wouldn't be complete without some very important people. Some I just met for the first time today. 

Today, I met an 81 year old who had the joy of The Lord unlike anything I ever felt, heard or saw with my own eyes. She was so beautiful, captivating and had so many stories behind her beautifully aged eyes. Stories of love and joy. Stories of sadness and pain. Stories of how great OUR God is. Today what blessed her heart the most was when we took a vow to marry Jesus. To uphold a covenant with Him and God as we do our earthly beloveds. She says "I thought I had truly given myself to Him and to God's ministry but I never really vowed to Him in that way and it was so beautiful." 

Today I was one of many women that married Jesus. They prayed with and for me, and didn't even know me. They took my struggle as their own. I truly felt for the first time in a while that I had sisters abundant in Christ. It was so so so cool because I was one of the youngest women there. I used to fear old age, wrinkles and illness. I used to fear judgement from a generation I happened to be in awe of. And today those comfort zones and fears were broken. Yes, we talked about God's love. But we also spoke about THEIR life. THEIR beautiful stories. That without their age, I probably would not have heard for lack of experience. I spoke with women who took my burden of infertility and turned it into joy, hope and light. I was truly blessed and still am warmed with love and light. 

Coming home tonight to tell my husband. He was so excited. He is excited for the call on our life to simply serve others with love and peace. He was thrilled to see a joy in my eyes again, a fire. I LET a label rob me of that for months and although this may seem redundant, when walking a journey that is tough (and let's face it, we don't have perfect lives so we all face trials) it is so good to have a constant reminder of progress, and slacking. Accountability. Goals. Triumph. Tonight as I asked my husband's honest opinion and advice after sulking, I got this...

So today, I married Jesus. I had heard of this before and thought selfishly "that's for Christian woman who are physically alone, widowed, single, etc..why would He want me?" It wasn't until I saw the raw emotion of my Mom's spiritual Mother and as I consider a spiritual Grandmother, the coping and mourning of her husband (the man who lead my father to Christ and helped him through sobriety) that God wants ME. God wants my husband. God wants us. And He wants us to choose Him because He has already chosen us. To see Linda, break before my eyes and say not even a day after her husband died back in 2008, she vowed to move forward and marry Jesus, broke me. He wanted me to say, "I need you, PCOS or not...I sin, I hurt, I need love and I need you." So...I did. I'm a firm believer for my relationship with God, I have to deepen it constantly. If that means I am constantly renewing my heart daily, then so be it. If that means every morning I devote my life to God and showing His people His love, then so be it. 

Today I married someone else, and not only is my husband okay with it, He is proud. :-)