Reconciliation, Restore, Regain

For many people they take on the mantra "Forgive but never forget!" in a negative manner.

They are so deeply wounded by something that they grow bitter, angry, and even develop a grudge towards whomever hurt them, and anyone who associated themselves with that person. 

And, guess what?

That was me.

It hurts, that at one point in time, I was such an ugly person. I never thought I was, but when I sit back and examine my behaviors and attitude from the last 5-6 years, I find that I was selfish. I didn't love as I do now. I didn't know how.

You see, I hadn't truly accepted a love from God, which I knew for me was the only way I would know what love was. To love my Creator, myself exactly how I was. To love myself enough that I wouldn't pick apart my own image, or scoff at others. You see, even now today I can't even bring myself to laugh at things like "People of Wal-mart" or anything of the sort. It hurts me so deeply that grown adults think it is funny to belittle others and crush them in spirit, because what...it benefits us?

-humor

-self-esteem

-putting down others to gain power

Just a few reasons, of why I did this. And it wasn't that I was attacking strangers I had never met, but I literally would break down in MY mind, people that hurt me. People I once loved so much (still do). People I missed (also, still do).

I always thought I was a good friend through high school and college and I look back to see that I wasn't that great then, and am a COMPLETELY different person now. However, I think the person and friend I am today, is so much better than who I used to be. I talked about love earlier, remember? Well...we all have a first love experience, whether it's good/bad, beautiful/ugly, something you want to remember or something you want to forget, forever or short lived...we have it. I do anyways.

I am so blessed with having a husband who never experienced love before me. Because, of this he loves much more than I let myself at times, and he wasn't as afraid of being hurt as I was. Although, I have made peace with that situation, it still stings at times and looking back on that experience, I realized it molded me in so many ways that I thought I could not control at the time. I let it leak into my friendships, because "if you hurt me, I will build a wall and block everyone out." I wasn't a good friend, I wasn't even the best company to be around. I was so so so terrified of being hurt by anyone, because I was so fragile, that I pushed anything and everything that mattered to me, away. I even tried to push Jayme away (we had JUST started dating at the time) but he fought for us, for me. I was so weak, so tired and so confused. I knew I was growing up and moving away to college, which scared me as well so I withdrew even more. I could NEVER explain this to those I hurt back then and may still be hurting now. I am so sorry.

I took on the song "Second chance" by Shinedown as my inspiration  because it depicted everything I felt. I needed to get away from my past...which was not pretty. I was so ashamed of the life I had been living, partying, being around drugs, being in situations I KNEW I didn't want to be in. And when my one (best) friend, who was honest and true with me said "Why are you doing this? You're better than this!" I. Shut. Down. I mean I was done. I pushed her out.

I wanted to be irresponsible and just run wild like others had done with my heart. I didn't want to have to take care of my mom any more and be stressed by that situation. I didn't want to keep up with my commitments. I wanted to be young and stupid, as people say. I wanted to drink an unhealthy amount, I wanted to be drunk. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to disappear. And that is why I couldn't be a good friend. I wasn't even a good Felicia. I think that subconsciously I knew I was bringing down others with me and for that reason, I felt I had to let them go. I was emotional, on edge, paranoid and lost. I continued to party and get myself sucked into a depression hole. I had forgotten about the joy of my salvation. 

However, God is great. He reconciles, gives me peace and fixes all those things that I think are beyond repair. He sure did remold me. I mean, He had to let me get knocked off the table and crack into a bunch of pieces, but He scooped up all those pieces, dusted them off and saw their infinite worth. He didn't glue me back together and try to patch up my problem areas, no, He completely broke me to the bottom...

I lost all of my friends for the most part from high school because of conflict that I refused to resolve as an adult and instead just tried to delete it from my life, resulting in many burned bridges and heart wounds that I'm still praying will be reconciled. Still asking for forgiveness and trying to mull over.

I lost my dignity at times, feeling worthless because of how I let myself be treated.

I lost my hope, and let the world over rule my emotions, desires and goals.

I lost...I lost...I lost...the list could seriously go on.

This time of year is always hard for me, because this was the time of year that I lost all of those things...

I still have dreams of all those friends, I still pray for them and hope they're living the lives I know they deserve and talked with me about. I pray they find love. I pray they find it in their hearts to forgive me.

I wake up from those dreams hopeful, missing them so badly with an ache that I didn't know I could have for people, that I haven't had a legit conversation with, in almost 4 years.

I sometimes wake up feeling empty...like pieces of my heart have gone away with those friendships, and long to have them back only because I want those people there in my life. They enriched my life, I loved them. I had faith in their hopes and dreams...I walked with them through tough journeys. We had strong soul ties.

However, I no longer feel guilty. I can't. Yes, I have a lot to apologize for if I have time to do that with them. Which I hope and pray I do. BUT, I would NEVER want to apologize (or receive an apology) purely out of guilt. I want to give my apology in terms of truly being sorry, remorseful and saddened at my behaviors and how I've hurt others. Although, I don't see these opportunities coming about any time soon, I have a God who thinks, knows and dreams bigger than I even can. I will earnestly pray for the day that I get to see reconciliation between these important bridges that I've long ago burned, torn down and ruined. I am living proof it can happen, between me and God. 

"Throw it away, forget yesterday. We'll make the great escape!" 

Today I got married!

And my husband is okay that it wasn't a renewal ceremony to him. Crazy? Silly? Odd? Maybe to many. Maybe to most. But today I devoted a piece of my heart back from a place that had been hidden in anger, darkness, and depression. A place where I thought it was masked so well and buried so deep that even my God, my creator couldn't find it and bring down the walls to this "secret" place. 

There are sweet secret places of the most high, however, this is not so much. This is a secret lonely world, that I have locked myself into because of a label. And I have always tried so hard to steer clear of labels, until this one. If you've read my blog you've probably come across a blog or two that talks about my journey with PCOS. Seeing as how there is no current "cure" I see it as a long and winding road, with mountains and valleys. With triumphs and despair. This is MY journey and my journey wouldn't be complete without some very important people. Some I just met for the first time today. 

Today, I met an 81 year old who had the joy of The Lord unlike anything I ever felt, heard or saw with my own eyes. She was so beautiful, captivating and had so many stories behind her beautifully aged eyes. Stories of love and joy. Stories of sadness and pain. Stories of how great OUR God is. Today what blessed her heart the most was when we took a vow to marry Jesus. To uphold a covenant with Him and God as we do our earthly beloveds. She says "I thought I had truly given myself to Him and to God's ministry but I never really vowed to Him in that way and it was so beautiful." 

Today I was one of many women that married Jesus. They prayed with and for me, and didn't even know me. They took my struggle as their own. I truly felt for the first time in a while that I had sisters abundant in Christ. It was so so so cool because I was one of the youngest women there. I used to fear old age, wrinkles and illness. I used to fear judgement from a generation I happened to be in awe of. And today those comfort zones and fears were broken. Yes, we talked about God's love. But we also spoke about THEIR life. THEIR beautiful stories. That without their age, I probably would not have heard for lack of experience. I spoke with women who took my burden of infertility and turned it into joy, hope and light. I was truly blessed and still am warmed with love and light. 

Coming home tonight to tell my husband. He was so excited. He is excited for the call on our life to simply serve others with love and peace. He was thrilled to see a joy in my eyes again, a fire. I LET a label rob me of that for months and although this may seem redundant, when walking a journey that is tough (and let's face it, we don't have perfect lives so we all face trials) it is so good to have a constant reminder of progress, and slacking. Accountability. Goals. Triumph. Tonight as I asked my husband's honest opinion and advice after sulking, I got this...

So today, I married Jesus. I had heard of this before and thought selfishly "that's for Christian woman who are physically alone, widowed, single, etc..why would He want me?" It wasn't until I saw the raw emotion of my Mom's spiritual Mother and as I consider a spiritual Grandmother, the coping and mourning of her husband (the man who lead my father to Christ and helped him through sobriety) that God wants ME. God wants my husband. God wants us. And He wants us to choose Him because He has already chosen us. To see Linda, break before my eyes and say not even a day after her husband died back in 2008, she vowed to move forward and marry Jesus, broke me. He wanted me to say, "I need you, PCOS or not...I sin, I hurt, I need love and I need you." So...I did. I'm a firm believer for my relationship with God, I have to deepen it constantly. If that means I am constantly renewing my heart daily, then so be it. If that means every morning I devote my life to God and showing His people His love, then so be it. 

Today I married someone else, and not only is my husband okay with it, He is proud. :-)

Necessarily painful car fights

Today on our almost two hour travel back to GR it got ugly, emotional and beautiful in our car. 

In respect and honor of my husband I will refrain from bashing him, or pointing out his flaws publicly. I just don't feel right about it, especially since he does nothing but lift me up and encourage who I am publicly, as well as, in our home. 

With that being said, I'm sure some of you have experienced car fights. The "why are you doing that, going that way, getting frustrated and being mean to me fights" and for my husband and I, the time we bicker the most is because of the reasons above, silly we know. Truly it isn't how the person is driving or whatever that sparks the argument. Typically it's because someone has their feelings hurt and hasn't said anything about it but the car frustrations escalade and lead to an outpouring of pent up emotions. 

While we were hashing things out something dawned on me. My husband had forgotten the joy of his salvation and who was I to judge because a few months ago I was in that place too. Because I love him, I refused to let an opportunity to encourage him pass us by. 

So I said, "Do you not realize we have the best reason to be happy?" He just kinda looked at me funny and I said "Seriously, we have Heaven! We have eternal paradise. Everyone lives eternally spiritually, our souls have been sanctified and because we have accepted that gift of grace and choose to believe, we can have hope in Heaven." (I don't think we should forget about life here but I don't think we should dwell on what's temporary)

He just let a few tears roll down his cheek in silence and I just watched my husband break before me. I watched a weight lift off his shoulders and his heart melt. He expressed his frustration with his job, being put down and belittled, being made fun of as a kid and into college and it's impacting his self esteem (we've all been there) and I just told him, "Yes. People are mean at all phases of their life. People are bitter and have no hope. But that's not you. And that doesn't have to dictate your life. That is NOT eternal. This is not our "home" and Heaven does not have negativity." 

At this point, I started to realize what joy I get out of my salvation and the topic of Heaven. I asked him, "You know why the thought of Heaven encourages me? The thought that I won't have PCOS, I won't feel the sting of fertility issues, death has no no no power or overwhelming influence there, there is no cancer, no addiction, no pain. I don't have to hurt over my family, I don't have to ache over lost relationships. I don't have to deal with bullies." While I kept listing things a huge smile cracked across his face and I started to sob, tears of joy. 

I don't think I have cried tears of joy like that since my wedding day and even then I wasn't as weepy then as I was today. It was that realization for me to have and translate to my sweet husband that broke whatever tension was there. And for the rest of the ride home we chatted about anything and everything, sang loud with the radio, enjoyed the sunshine and for the first time in a long time I layed my head on his shoulder with peace and just admired the man he is. 

I am so blessed by his friendship and love, romance aside. He is pretty much the male version of myself but I still learn so much about him every day and I am so honored to be his wife. Jay, thank you for seriously making my life better and helping me to be a better version of myself. 

Worry:can't stop vs won't stop

Visited a church today where the sermon was delivered by a guest speaker who is a psychiatrist. Possibly one of the most influential sermons I've heard, for me. 

Worry is something I struggle with partly because I'm a control freak and partly because anxiety runs rampant in my family, along with many different mental illnesses. It's good to know I serve a God who doesn't stop loving me because I worry too much at times. This truly showed me how much I need to work on this issue. And how I need to stop being a temporary believer, I desire a faith so deep that I always turn to what I believe, in every situation. 

Along with this conviction I felt from this message, I felt such joy. The speaker mentioned can't or won't we stop, will we try to at least or just take defeat. He spoke about it being our will power or for some a psych/neuro issue. And I love love love the focus he had on being shameless about mental health or disorders.

Coming from a home, family and gene pool full of anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, etc. it was comforting to know that there are Christians out there who don't look down on those who cannot choose what is handed down to them, so to speak. However, he talked about ways to approach stress with medication for those who need it, and those who don't. He discussed real, raw issues and it was so hard for me to swallow but so beautiful.

I've been around many people who say they are Christians/believers that have belittled people who struggle with any mental problem. They say "pray harder,  you don't believe enough...". But today, that perception and judgement I had changed. The shame I was feeling about where I come from, what I've overcome and still struggle/fight against turned into being grateful I've overcome. That bitterness melted away and my wound started to heal. All in all, I was VERY blessed, changed and touched by this sermon. It was like God melted parts in my heart today that I never even realized I had let grow cold. Towards myself, my mom, my family,those who have hurt all of us and even God. 

In case you can't tell, I love taking notes and I love psychology. Hence, why I have my BS in it!:-) 

Running

We have never had a great relationship between my asthma, loose ligaments in my ankles, high blood pressure and slight heart murmur. I have never had a good "chance" at a healthy running relationship...

However, I let that remain an excuse to not try for a very long time. Mostly out of fear. You'll find out quick when it comes to working out, I get afraid. Here are my three reasons why. 

1)I have had numerous severe sprains in my ankles, which I wish I would've just broken my ankle. My left ankle is STILL swollen from a running accident back in 2011. And I was told I will more than likely, always have swelling. It sucks. 

2)I went on a health kick when I started going to GVSU since they have a nice facility and it was included in my tuition. But when I really started to get on a kick of working out and running, I happened to catch mono. I had three cycles of it before it disappeared. I pray it stays gone. I had a swollen spleen for a long time which left me unable to workout. Also just FYI my last cycle of mono occurred just a month and a half before my severe sprain of 2011. 

3)I'm afraid of what other people think of me.

And we can lecture about number 3 all we want but in order to overcome that fear, you have to face it. And that's EXACTLY what I've been doing. And that's the reason I get anxious every day before I walk into the gym. But today I left proud. I walked around the gym with my head held high because I beat my personal record for a mile. And I unfortunately found myself worrying that people would think "why is she proud of that time?" "Why should we care?" "Oh, you ran it on an elliptical psh". But you know what, I made a big deal about it anyways. Because to me I beat a lot more than a personal record for a mile time. I beat intimidation and shame of myself. I beat the thought that I cannot do this, I'm too fat, I have high bp etc etc. Any of the other junk that floods my mind and I'm sure some of you. I was so proud I went and bought a new wine to try with my dinner (salmon, baked sweet potato and salad). I rewarded myself with a HEALTHY meal. I've NEVER done that. 

So yes, it started with some tears in the middle of the grocery store from seeing all the cute babies and pregnant women. It took anger. Frustration. Pain. And defeat for me to overcome many fears. Today I walked into the gym afraid to run the mile (long time fear, even before I was overweight) and I practically skipped out of the gym with pride, joy and confidence. 

For anyone who is trying to lose weight, stop!!!!! Please. Let your focus be so much MORE than a number. Be healthy and that will come with it. If we focus more on what we do to our bodies and what we put in them, we will be healthier all around and eventually the weight will come off. Make it permanent. Make changes. Over come YOUR fears and believe in YOU. 

Best feeling in the world, sweat pouring down my face, no make up, legs feeling like jello. I don't come to the gym to look pretty, I come to the gym to work hard and it's my hope that when I leave I will look like I worked hard. 

People

People are so important to me, almost at times too important. I have to remind myself that we are all human and none of us should be placed on a pedestal because that will only lead to heartache. Not to mention, it can lead me to put people before God. 

With that being said, most of my favorite people live far away from me, with the exception of my husband. So whenever I see these people, my camera is out the whole time, snapping shots between laughter and hugs! I'm so incredibly thankful for the past weekend and the beautiful people that filled it! 

 

I only wish that they could all see themselves the way I do. With utmost admiration and love. With a forgiving eye and graceful embrace. 

MTW:Leave No Doubt

Happy birthday Uncle Michael. 

Today you'd be 39, and I would probably be calling you an old fart or something like that, which would more than likely result in a wrestling match. 

Today you'd be able to teach your daughter things like you taught me. I'll never forget that you taught me how to swim, skip rocks on the water and spin a basketball on my finger. 

Today you'd probably still be telling all of us nieces and nephews that you used to spit in the cereal when you worked at the factory.  Oh, and you'd probably still try to convince me that dog treats are cookies haha, thanks for that. 

Today you and I would probably still have our infamous "dog fighting" matches. I'd still choose to be a small dog first. Then you'd choose to be a pit and that would lead me to say "Fine! I'm all the dogs in the world, strongest, scariest ones!"  Then you'd let me win a wrestling match. And encourage me to keep singing and never give up on anything. No matter how scary it is. 

Today you would still be the big ole teddy bear that I remember you to be. The one who never took enough care of himself but made sure that my sister and I were taken care of, when you lived with us. 

Today who knows if you would still struggle with addiction, if you were on this Earth. Today, I hope that you would have  overcome the needles and toxic waste you pumped into your body. 

I know I never could (not that I would want to) judge your heart. But I knew you had a love for God. I remember how hard you tried to leave the drugs behind. I remember the tears, prayers and fights. I remember a strong man who had a weak moment, and the world had overcome him. I will always have peace that you are in Heaven. I know, I'm not God, the ultimate judge. And I'm thankful I'm not. But ever since that dream that God gave me about you and I walking hand in hand in Heaven, I have peace. 

Michael, I know you couldn't always beat that addiction but it's okay because God has overcome it all, even death. My life wouldn't be the same without you or your death that took you too soon from your family.

Every stone I skip, summer swim I take, basketball game I play and song I sing, I do it in part with your memory at the forefront of my mind. I love you so much and I hope you are enjoying those streets of gold. 

Because of your death, I want to live intentionally. I want my family to know with peace and joy where I am and that I lived a truly fulfilling and not oppressing life. Because of your death, I want to live out love and never leave any doubt. 

Tomorrow you'll be gone for 10 years. You'll be addiction free, resting peacefully for 10 years. You'll still have the biggest heart of anyone I know. You'll still be more of a big brother to me, than an uncle. Tomorrow I will live better. Tomorrow is a new day, chance, dream. A time for someone else to overcome addiction on this earth. Tomorrow is a new day for redemption. Tomorrow you'll still be one of my favorite people, no matter the label, no matter the addiction. I love you (uncle) Michael Thomas Williams. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iXMNzaZgMEM