PCOS...

I feel this entry is only necessary for two reasons 1)educate others and 2)empower myself to move past this diagnosis. What is PCOS? Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome...something I had no idea even existed until a month ago. Sure I've heard of women having ovarian cysts and how painful it could be but I never knew of PCOS which happens to be the most common female endocrine disorder. It also happens to be a big contributor of women's infertility and inability in conceiving. I could give you an overall anatomy review with big and overwhelming words but instead I'll give it to you from my point of view, someone who was recently diagnosed with PCOS. 

So basically what happens is unlike "normal" cycles my beautiful body doesn't release an egg, and I don't ovulate, there are multiple reasons this happens and like I said there's enough medical info out there if it interests you enough, look it up and do some research ;) However, I don't think anyone who hasn't actually EXPERIENCED this can really tell you how it feels, and even so every woman may not experience the same symptoms. However, I will be sharing my story which ties in the stereotypical symptoms for this disorder so if it sounds like something you're going through, do not hesitate to go get checked out. Keep in mind, this is my personal story I am not speaking for anyone else in this blog, but myself. 

This starts back in July when my migraines grew to be crippling and I was so sick of struggling with them for years. I would get the blinding spots and blurred vision along with light sensitivity and not being able to even eat. On top of these migraines I experience strong fatigue due to having had mono a few years ago, knocking out my immune system. Every time I started to feel better I got sick again and ended up having 4 mono flare ups in 6 months...all of this while I started my first semester at GVSU. So meanwhile trying to get these migraines under control after MRI/MRA and medicines that only made them worse, I decided to take myself off of my birth control which I didn't think much of anyways because I am married now, so having a child wasn't something we were afraid of any longer. However, after two missed cycles I began to think that I was possibly pregnant. After two home pregnancy tests read false I felt my hopes go down but my husband remained hopeful and supportive. A few weeks later I stepped on the scale and realized I had gained about 15lbs in 4 weeks, which has NEVER happened to me. It has always been a struggle for me to lose weight, especially after puberty but I have never gained that much weight, that quickly. Looking back I started to realize, I've gained an easy 50lbs since 2009. I may not eat that well or work out that often but I hardly eat at all because I never have an appetite and when I'm awake I feel so drained, depressed and anxious. It really hit me hard when I began to wake up and go to bed in constant pain. It hurts to stretch, sneeze, be intimate with my husband and other "normal" every day things. I started to shut down which made my depression and anxiety worsen. I had no idea why I was feeling this way, so I made a doctors appointment...

Of course I had convinced myself that I had some type of ovarian cancer or something else but I learned that my chances for OC actually are lowered by the fact that I've been on birth control since I was 15. I had only gone on BC at that age because my cycles were lasting for 6 weeks and happened about every 3 months if that which caused me to become anemic (low in iron and my hemoglobin was low). I was desperate for a fix, I just wanted to feel like a "normal" teenager. I never was able to have a normal cycle on my own and my acne never went away into adulthood. I had always had a feeling that I wouldn't be able to have my own children since I was about 14 but I never quite understood what my body was trying to tell me.

After an appointment with my primary dr she referred me to a wonderful OBGYN and he concluded with a pelvic exam and ultrasound that I have PCOS. I could see what they call "the string of pearls" that covered my ovaries. Last fall I had gone to the er for similar side and ovary pain but they had concluded it was probably an ovarian cyst that burst but they "couldn't really tell". Here I am a year later being diagnosed with not one or two ovarian cysts but a disorder where my ovaries were constantly covered with them. I always thought my first ultrasounds would be done for pregnancy and that it would be exciting. Instead  I was looking at my pearl like ovaries, feeling inadequate as a woman. It really hit me when I asked my Dr. if it would be difficult for me to have children and he said yes. He didn't say I would never have children but that it would simply pose more challenges. Anyone that truly knows me, knows that I've wanted four kids for as long as I can remember. I wanted to make a life and career out of being a stay at home mom eventually. The fact that my dream of that is even remotely at risk of not happening has sort of shattered my world. I am SO sick of hearing, "You will have kids, just not now..." or "You're too young to worry about having kids yet" or "You'll be fine and God will give you kids when He sees it fit." I feel like these messages come from people who love me, yes, and want to be supportive but don't know how. It's sort of how you feel helpless when someone loses a loved one. How are you supposed to say well I'm sorry your life is changing and all your dreams may never come true....that life you built may be gone and I'm sorry but it's because that's what God has planned. There is a time and a place for all of that...but right now when I feel like a failure is not that time...

I think for me, I need to redefine. I mean I have to change pretty much everything about my current lifestyle so I may as well redefine myself and my dreams. I may as well get to know myself again because I feel like a different person, trapped in a body that doesn't belong to me. And as dramatic as this seems, until you experience it, I'd rather not be told I'm "over reacting". For me every day I wake up and remember I have to take pills to have normal body functions, pills that of course have LOVELY side effects. From ringing ears to upset stomach to dizzy spells and hot flashes...it's just a ball let me tell you. And these aren't even the fertility meds I may end up having to take some day. I just wish for a moment that my life would be more carefree. I don't really think that people can comprehend how I feel because it's not a terminal illness. They're right, it's not cancer but so often I feel like people over look the disorders, diseases and syndromes that take over people's lives and may not pose as a life threat but they still keep people from living every day. I feel like I am imprisoned and chained to a syndrome that has taken over my body and my life and as much as people try to tell you that it can't define who you are, to some respect it will because I will always have PCOS. 

Tonight I'm discovering that I don't want to roll over like a dog and just take this...I want to fight it, and I will fight it, every day with all that I am, even though I am going through CRAZY embarrassing bodily changes that are out of my control...I am STILL fearfully and wonderfully made. 24 years ago my mom was told she wouldn't have any more children...yet here I am today and while I don't believe my story will be my future child's story...I choose to believe in miracles and to have faith. Right now my miracle would be losing weight, and getting my hormones stable and decreasing my symptoms and pain. It's a 24/7 thing and even though I'm taking medicines it doesn't just go away, but I will keep fighting because I'm extraordinary. I'm part of the 5% of women in America with an endocrine disorder that tries to steal our womanhood, and joy but I won't allow it, not for me.