Why I want to be like my mom.

Although I feel like I've been consumed with loneliness lately, I have so much to make me feel not alone, especially my momma! While we are both away from our husbands (dad is on a business trip, Jayme lives in Grand Rapids still) we are bonding as usual. 

Five years ago, even three years ago, I never thought my momma and I would have the relationship we do now. If anything, this last year of my life has shown me the power, grace and beauty in reconciliation. 

I am strengthened and encouraged by my mom, daily. She's the best friend I've always wanted, she treats me how she desires to be treated. She loves me unconditionally. Even though I'm her child, I know she sees me as her best friend too. I was there when she lost her best friend to cancer, I held my mom through the heavy bouts of sobbing, yelling why, and her hopelessness. I often have been the one to discover my mom cycling, to merely try to physically/mentally/emotionally pick her back up. I held her hand during flashbacks of her childhood, even though for a split second she had no recollection of who I was. I answered her questions that made no sense and helped her try to see past her hallucinations. I've been there for the med changes, mood swings and hospital stays. I've missed out on important events and times in my life and missed out on reminiscing times with my mom (prom, graduation,etc). 

But none of that compares to what my mom has overcome to get me to where I am today. None of my experiences can outshine the numerous times my mom has walked me through my dark valleys, always praying, never losing her faith in God and in me. Even when I haven't wanted to hear it (which has been a lot) she speaks the truth but she does so with love. She's watched my heart break from boys, loss of friends, loss of family, and loss of my dreams and possibly being a mom. She has held my hand literally through all of that. Laid with me on my sleepless nights. And she always encourages me to love myself for who I am. She always believes in my dreams. She always celebrates with me, even over the little things, which to her, there are no little triumphs. A triumph is just that. A victory. My mom is my hero. 

Today, I get to have some time alone wth my mom and I reflect on how far we truly have come since 2006 and I tear up with tears of joy. I no longer mourn the loss of the mom I expected to have but I am thankful for the fact that my mom is still here and on that note, coming off of some meds and making great strides. Her battle will always feel like my battle and I will always have some piece of worry because she is so dear to me. But we trust one another, we can talk about anything and more importantly she remembers our days together now, laughs more than ever, and has gotten her twinkle back. That's why even still to this day, I hope to be like my mom in a lot of ways. I hope to learn to love as deeply as she does and I hope to learn how to be meek. I will always strive to be a consistent/stern yet comforting and fun mom like she was. I have learned so much from her, that I hope I can reflect too. I know one thing is sure though, I have her free spirit. That's something I will always fight to hold onto. My mom taught me that, keep fighting. You don't have to be at the front of the race and you can even walk slower than others but always just keep going. 

Fear.

Today, I realized something startling and gut wrenching. I fear becoming reactive. Something I shouldn't have to legitimately fear. To many this may not seem like a big deal, but that's because we mostly live in a reactive country. I can admit, I'm at fault for this too. 

-not praying as often as I should, just because and increasingly praying whenever I have problems. 

-hating a job/career path instead of changing it to go for what I'm passionate about. 

-taking medicines (that made many of my symptoms worsen) as soon as I was diagnosed with PCOS instead of having done my own research and waiting to figure it all out

-accepting being overweight/unhealthy as how I'll always be, and saying I will start over again tomorrow or when I develop another problem with my health 

-waiting until I burst to talk about my problems

-overindulgence on day dreaming, instead of making my life happen. 

You might find this to be true to yourself too, or maybe not. I believe that it is so hard to live proactively today in this year of 2014. I think my thoughts on this were buried deep inside my heart, months before I was diagnosed with pcos and the fun stuff that comes with it. I think it started before my parents and possibly before theirs (I don't know because I don't have a super in depth family history much past my grand parents). And then I look at my parents who changed that in their lives. They made changes so maybe I could learn how to be a little more proactive. To be less of a victim or competitor in life. Who should I compete with but myself. Who can I measure up to but the worst or best of myself.  And the effort my parents made to be proactive will encourage me to be even more proactive for my children and hopefully it'll continue. 

None of these thoughts clicked until three   events in my life recently. 

1)leaving a job that wasn't my passion or career of choice and moved home to work and prepare to go to school in the fall (prereqs) to be a nurse. Which means Jayme and I are apart during the week, seeing as how he agreed to keep working where we were living, to keep afloat financially and to figure out his career path. 

2)have you heard the song automatic by miranda lambert, if not go listen or look up the lyrics. She's one of my favorites and that song hit me hard. Yes I'm sitting here using technology, telling this story to you but still I am known for having an old soul and loving all things vintage or "old" as my husband calls it. I'm a fan of simple times. Even if survival was harder. 

3)I totally got into a fight with my mom, walking through the neighborhood because she was too hot while doing our work out and I took it as she just wanted the health to come to her and that she was giving up. And instead of expressing my fear rationally, which I truly never do, I over reacted. I am totally afraid for my health. And my parents. They are my best friends, aside from my husband. They have held my hand through the darkest times and rejoiced during the brightest, greatest times. 

So naturally, because I'm irritated I start to think. Probably over think but that's just what helps me to calm down. I literally have a 20 thought process. What's that you ask? 

Well I start to go with one idea and that blooms into another deep idea or issue and it just keeps going until I usually say "so yeah this makes sense because..." And guess what?

Nobody ever has a clue as to what I'm talking about, it sort of drives my husband crazy. And if he were here he'd be the person to be hearing this crazy proactive reactive conversation as he has a million times. 

Emotionally, mentally and intellectually I fully believe in order to make more money in our country, people use being reactive as a form of manipulation to get consumers to consume. I'm kind of weird and out there, I get it. But I have a hard time believing that every product ever invented was for the common good of the people. And maybe it was but it was mass produced and sold for the common dollar. Yes I am a consumer, obviously. 

But I TRY not to feed into it. I really try to steer clear from ads and looking to see what's in fashion wise, my mom will so tell you that. She's always saying' "wow, you would like that. It's a Felicia thing for sure." And I used to hate it but now as an adult, it's the greatest compliment so far. I even have to limit myself to shopping online or pinteresting because you know what, I don't want to even have the WANT to have or do something just because someone else did. 

And as I've been diving into many books lately I wonder, what is it that makes me want to escape in literature? Why do I love this so much more than television now? Why do I stay up later than I should, reading a book that may not even be that well written but has me sucked into it? For everyone else it may be different. But for me, I get to picture it how I want, MY perspective. (Why I always cringe when I start watching a movie that comes from a book) to me there is a HUGE difference between trying to connect others by finding commonalities and trying to make others conform. For me, music, tv, movies etc (mainstream anyways) has come to this point of trying to make others conform to their life, their way. Forgetting your life because what we are doing is better.

Why aren't we living our own lives? Our own movies? Writing our own songs, stories and choosing our own cast, wardrobe and path? Why have we lost the true ability to dream, believe in our dreams and when did we start scoffing at those who continue to dream and believe? 

I'm often called irrational, a dreamer, hippie, etc. Which is fine, because while society is telling me who I am supposed to be...I'm living a life I want to live and that's the best thing I can ever do to defy what standards society has set for me. 

Yes I'm married. No I am not a mother. Nor do I share a home with my husband, and we don't own a home. Yes I am out of college. No I do not have a career yet. 

Yes I am a strong, feminine, life long learning woman and no my fertility status, appearance, lack of make up and whatever  else make NO difference to the  things listed above. My worth is NOT in those labels, rather my true soul, my character and my love. Yes I'm an emotional person, I have feelings, a soul. But I also have a brain that most choose to ignore, because how dare I try to have a conversation worth remembering. How dare I try to write a chapter in my life that is unforgettable. I won't need to seek the attention and remeberance from others in my last days, because I will be more than joyful over my book, my romances and heart breaks, my loss, my triumph and all the adventures in between. The world may see me as angry but I'm more so broken for the ones who will never experience the joy in being who you are  and loving every minute of it. 

"You either like me or you don't. It took me Twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don't have that kinda time to convince somebody else."

Daniel Franzese

That Newlywed life. 353 days into it.

I honestly cannot believe that this is the first time I'm blogging about our wedding, 353 days later. Some days I still think my last name is Holland and I accidentally call Jayme my fiancé. But that's all part of the newness of being married. And yes, almost a year later and being married still feels new. A feeling I wish I could describe to others when they ask "how's married life? What's it like being married? Are things different?" Usually I'm so overwhelmed that I laugh and they automatically assume that my life hasn't changed, which is NOT the case. At first, before we faced some challenges  while being married, I joked saying it was like a birthday but it isn't. It's so much more than that. And birthdays to me now are so much more. I've learned to love, love. I've learned to appreciate time. I've learned to just stop and enjoy life. I've apologized many times to my husband for making something so important, seem so small. 

So here I am, 353 days later, remembering back on our day while looking at wedding pictures, recalling moments I had blissfully overlooked in a moment of excitement and exhaustion. The smile on everyone's face, sweaty friends and family breaking out their best dance moves and tears of pure joy. The love that was created and produced from our wedding was truly overwhelming and it had nothing to do with the amount of decorations (that I burned my hands with the glue gun and glittered my apartment carpet forever for) food, music, or color scheme, that made the Thornton-Holland wedding what it was. It was God. 

He wrote our story. He brought both Jayme and I to this earth, with rough journeys and it was Him who made sure we found each other. It was because of Christ dying that we could love and love abundantly with one another. It was because of grace that my husband can look past my many flaws and love me with patience and kindness. It was because of our parents' faith in Christ, God and the Bible that we were raised with strong morals that lined up with one another. It wasn't about us. It was about others. We wanted our wedding to be remembered for our guests leaving and feeling like they could be loved and believe in love. We wanted our friends and family to see how God has changed our lives. We wanted to be a witness that you can overcome struggle. We felt that if we held ourselves accountable to keep this in mind for our wedding, that it may set a high and strong tone for our marriage. And I'm glad we did because our first year, has been quite the experience. 

I could just tell you all of the great things we've done and places we've visited, laughs we have shared and triumphs we have rejoiced but I want to paint a picture of reality, not an illusion and no matter how married or single you are, life is not and will not ever be perfect. 

I've learned this past year, I can be very hot headed and not just because I'm Irish, German and Native American. I have an awful time with self control. I'm kind of like the beast from beauty and the beast. And there are few people who can push me to beast level but when it happens, it is not pretty. Unfortunately, I blow up at my husband more often than I would like to. And I don't mean to but I don't try as hard as I could or should, to be slow to anger and speak when I'm angry. But I am working on that, my husband means too much to me, not to. And it's not often, but words can never be taken back. 

I've also learned that what we want isn't always what we really want. Sometimes I wish I could take the easy way out and the times God has given me the chance to, I take it and I'm never happy with the end result. I believe that we have free will, I have the ability to make choices and those choices come with consequences. I think God let's us have the chance to choose what we "want" to show us that's not truly our heart's desire. For me, that was working with kids full time. I started my degree with education and switched, graduating with a BS in psychology. I got a job in a daycare/learning center and although I enjoyed my time there, it was decided by Jay and I due to jobs, schedules and dreams that we would both work towards what we felt led to do. For me, it's nursing which I'm in the process of figuring out a plan. I never thought I was smart enough until now and my husband has supported me 100%. It's not been easy to do this, it's scary and unsettling at times because I want to control every event of life but I know this is where I'm meant to be headed. 

Another thing I've learned is that we don't always get what we think we deserve. Jayme and I both have had jobs that we wanted that didn't work out, we struggled financially and it was rough. But we kept pushing through with the love and support from our family. We also were trying to have a baby, when I started to have a few unsettling health problems arise. Some of them seeming to be pregnancy symptoms, only to find out I have an endocrine disorder that mimics pregnancy symptoms and can cause high blood pressure, insulin resistance, difficulty losing weight, depression/anxiety, hair loss, severe acne, random bloating/water retention, and cysts that can burst randomly all of which I have experienced. Thankfully, I have not developed diabetes or heart problems which are also very common. I also have a higher chance of never having children, or being able to carry. Shortly after receiving this diagnosis, I thought I was pregnant and was actually about to take a test when I experienced miscarriage symptoms. Luckily, I had my mom and husband by my side, as well as, an understanding and loving mother in law who has prayed for and supported me through this totally. 

Then, we moved. For all the wrong reasons, we moved. I was battling a deep dark depression and shut myself off from the world. The only person I wanted to see was my husband. I faced many sleepless nights, and he did too. He held me many of those nights while I just sobbed in his chest. He never left my side. I was consumed with sadness and he carried me through with prayer and his joyful spirit. 

To say this past year was easy, blissful, stereotypical "newlywed", is so wrong. We experienced so much in our first year, that some couples never experience. No, we aren't perfect. We still don't have it all figured out. But we are happy. I'm happier than I have ever been, even happier than on my wedding day. And even though we have faced more struggle than not, we have made it through, with stories, scars and strength. 

We had great visits with our families, camping and road tripping. We have made so many beach trips filled with tears, laughter and kisses. We have learned how to live with little and appreciate it all. Zoo trips, tulip time, fishing and much of our time spent out doors, creating memories that no amount of money or togetherness could ever replace. I am so proud of us. I'm so proud of my husband. I can say with confidence, we are not the same people that we were on June 8th, 2013. In a lot of ways we are better, but we still need improvements/growth. 

Thank you, Jayme Howard Thornton. 

For being joy when I didn't want it, when I wanted to live in my hole of depression. 

For being a shelter and comfort on those days when I couldn't get out of bed or face the day. 

For asking me to dance with you, any where and any time. 

For living out your vows. 

For being a great tipper. 

For showing kindness to those who are not so kind. 

For leading us even though you're afraid to at times. Even if that means we miss out on things. 

For being able to have fun sober.

For cleaning the toilet. 

For buying me chocolate randomly. 

For getting me cards for every event. 

For playing with my hair. 

For asking me how I slept, every morning and kissing me on my forehead every night (yeah I notice that).  

For being my best friend, my family, my love. 

For believing in me and pushing me to go for Nursing. 

And for loving me, when I'm an angry person. 

For staying strong and living life with Christ as your all.

For praying for us when I said I couldn't find the words. 

For putting God before me and me before yourself.  

You're the one person I can't stay angry at. I just hate to. I don't like it. You're the person that makes me see the good in myself and in others. You're the person who always dreams but needs to never forget their own dreams. You're the person who would give your last dollar to someone in need. You have a heart of gold my love and a gentle, joyful spirit. I love you I love you I love you. Thank you, for gracing my life with your friendship for the past 6 years. Thank you for dating me for the past 4 years. Thank you for living out love and your vows for the past year. I know it's early, but happy anniversary My Blue Eyed Boo ;) 

All wedding photos taken by Kim Miller Anchor Photography. 

Peace.

Over the course of the last 6 months, I have gone through some dramatic changes (at least, they are in my eyes). No, I haven't lost a significant amount of weight, gotten any new piercings, chopped my hair off (of course I have colored it, duh it's me we are talking about here) or changed my personal style but I have changed. I've found joy unspeakable and peace that surpasses all understanding. I've learned to cope with things, especially things that are out of my control. I've started to learn what it means to love myself. 

The last one, has not only impacted my life and how I treat others the most, but it has also been the hardest for me. If you truly know me, you'd know that I was seriously bullied from first grade until I graduated high school and even in college. It started when I had asthma and couldn't always run as fast as other kids, so they automatically called me fat, even though as a kid I was below average weight and height until I went through puberty (which was significantly young). Now we know why I struggled with the same symptoms I struggle with today, pesky pcos. It was the root of many problems, including the things I was bullied for- acne, my weight, having a big bust, and so on. Kids would say horrible things and posted something horrific about me on myspace (of all things lol) about my weight. I still remember it said, "who let the cows out?" On a picture of me and some friends. It was so hard to go to school every day and instead of hating them like most would expect, I began to hate myself. Which led to many issues later in life. 

And since I have began this road of self discovery and loving who I am, I have found out that I actually really love and like who I am. I've started to be able to see things that my husband, family and friends have been telling me for years. I've started to see myself the way I see others, sorting through the "bad" to see and brave the good. That's not to say that I'm not trying to improve who I am because I truly am but I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be a size two. I will probably always have a touch of acne. I will not always get the response from others that I want/or be liked by all. That's. Okay. It's alright. That's life. I am Felicia Dawn Thornton (Holland at heart still too) and nobody in the world is better than me, we are equal and I am doing myself an injustice by thinking otherwise. I've learned there's a difference between serving others and being used, there's more to life than searching for acceptance from others and rejecting yourself and I can always be a better person tomorrow than I was today. With that being said, in practicing humility (because I still want to treat others as I want to be treated) I am asking for YOU to be vulnerable with ME and tell me what you need. Maybe you need help finding a job, unspoken prayer request, detailed prayer request, vent session, advice, scripture, or just a friend that wants to catch up, please do not hesitate to contact me. I can't promise that I can be all things to all people or that I'll have all the answers but I can say I will try my hardest and I won't give up! 

Have a blessed week, I hope we all wander our way into a pocket of grace!:-) 

I just want to do more...

For years I thought I was meant to be a teacher. I was positive it was my calling. I had my heart set on teaching. But after seeing a lot of what happens behind the scenes in the education world, I lost that zest, passion and desire to teach. I felt that I was more of a babysitter than really a student that volunteered to help students learn. I really found that once I was in, I wasn't really as passionate about the work, as I thought. And even now, I realize there's a reason I felt the need to bow out of education and pursue a degree in psychology. 

No, I do not want to pursue my masters or phd in psych. I don't have a strong desire or wish to be a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. However, I have a need/desire to help others but I want to make a career out of it. I know there are people who are making a career out of what I am currently doing, but that is NOT my desire. I love kids, yes but I'm not sure my purpose in life is to work with kids full time in my position now. Some people don't believe they have a purpose but I do, firmly. And right now, I don't feel I'm fulfilling that purpose. 

If you know my story, then you know according to doctors I'm not meant to be here. My mom wasn't supposed to conceive any children after my sister and she sure wasn't trying when she found out at 6 months she was pregnant with me. And although so many impossible a were thrown at my mother and my future, I'm here. Healthy. Alive. Capable of doing more. I want to make a huge difference in this world. Growing up my mom was a CMA. I loved going to work with her and my dream was to work in pediatrics. However, as I got older and I struggled more with math and wasn't encouraged to keep interested in science (even though I've always LOVED science), I started to believe I wasn't smart enough for anything medical. 

I settled for accepting that I wasn't good enough. As I'm getting older, and have worked with kids more and more over the years I realize I want more. I am by NO means selling anyone short that works with kids. It is HARD work. It takes patience and compassion. It takes determination and routine/structure. It takes discipline and passion. For me, I lack that passion, I lack the patience. And I've lacked the confidence for far too long, to do what I truly want to do. When I first started college my dad and I were having an in depth discussion about my future. Of course, 18 year old me had NO idea what I wanted to do. My dad suggested nursing and I thought yeah I could do that. But then doubt crept in and I told myself I was too stupid. Bad experiences with school/teachers flooded my mind and I wouldn't even consider it an option because I felt so truly dumb. But I love the atmosphere when I'm around anything medical. I'm fascinated with science and technology. Obviously with psych we used stats, research etc. I've found something I truly want to do at a relatively young age.  And even now many people I know STILL don't truly know "what they want to be when they grow up." It's not uncommon. And now they say people have as many as 2-4 different careers if not more in their life. I feel like I've come a long way since 18 when I don't think many people actually know what they want to do. What their purpose is. 

Life happens. Plans change. I'm free spirited and easy going so for me it's not as scary or hard. I like to change. I hate hate hate growing stagnant. I refuse to do it. And that's why I want to continue my education. I want to grow as a person professionally, intellectually and personally. I want to challenge myself to overcome my low self esteem and believe in myself. I want to start a journey that will lead to a stable career. Who knows maybe after years of nursing I could do something medical with missions. I see myself growing so much in this type of field. I have the drive NOW. I tried the working with kids thing and it hasn't been the right thing for me yet. And I'm not going to look at that as failure but that I'm trying something, gaining some sort of experience in efforts of working towards my ultimate goal. I want to do more. 

Reconciliation, Restore, Regain

For many people they take on the mantra "Forgive but never forget!" in a negative manner.

They are so deeply wounded by something that they grow bitter, angry, and even develop a grudge towards whomever hurt them, and anyone who associated themselves with that person. 

And, guess what?

That was me.

It hurts, that at one point in time, I was such an ugly person. I never thought I was, but when I sit back and examine my behaviors and attitude from the last 5-6 years, I find that I was selfish. I didn't love as I do now. I didn't know how.

You see, I hadn't truly accepted a love from God, which I knew for me was the only way I would know what love was. To love my Creator, myself exactly how I was. To love myself enough that I wouldn't pick apart my own image, or scoff at others. You see, even now today I can't even bring myself to laugh at things like "People of Wal-mart" or anything of the sort. It hurts me so deeply that grown adults think it is funny to belittle others and crush them in spirit, because what...it benefits us?

-humor

-self-esteem

-putting down others to gain power

Just a few reasons, of why I did this. And it wasn't that I was attacking strangers I had never met, but I literally would break down in MY mind, people that hurt me. People I once loved so much (still do). People I missed (also, still do).

I always thought I was a good friend through high school and college and I look back to see that I wasn't that great then, and am a COMPLETELY different person now. However, I think the person and friend I am today, is so much better than who I used to be. I talked about love earlier, remember? Well...we all have a first love experience, whether it's good/bad, beautiful/ugly, something you want to remember or something you want to forget, forever or short lived...we have it. I do anyways.

I am so blessed with having a husband who never experienced love before me. Because, of this he loves much more than I let myself at times, and he wasn't as afraid of being hurt as I was. Although, I have made peace with that situation, it still stings at times and looking back on that experience, I realized it molded me in so many ways that I thought I could not control at the time. I let it leak into my friendships, because "if you hurt me, I will build a wall and block everyone out." I wasn't a good friend, I wasn't even the best company to be around. I was so so so terrified of being hurt by anyone, because I was so fragile, that I pushed anything and everything that mattered to me, away. I even tried to push Jayme away (we had JUST started dating at the time) but he fought for us, for me. I was so weak, so tired and so confused. I knew I was growing up and moving away to college, which scared me as well so I withdrew even more. I could NEVER explain this to those I hurt back then and may still be hurting now. I am so sorry.

I took on the song "Second chance" by Shinedown as my inspiration  because it depicted everything I felt. I needed to get away from my past...which was not pretty. I was so ashamed of the life I had been living, partying, being around drugs, being in situations I KNEW I didn't want to be in. And when my one (best) friend, who was honest and true with me said "Why are you doing this? You're better than this!" I. Shut. Down. I mean I was done. I pushed her out.

I wanted to be irresponsible and just run wild like others had done with my heart. I didn't want to have to take care of my mom any more and be stressed by that situation. I didn't want to keep up with my commitments. I wanted to be young and stupid, as people say. I wanted to drink an unhealthy amount, I wanted to be drunk. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to disappear. And that is why I couldn't be a good friend. I wasn't even a good Felicia. I think that subconsciously I knew I was bringing down others with me and for that reason, I felt I had to let them go. I was emotional, on edge, paranoid and lost. I continued to party and get myself sucked into a depression hole. I had forgotten about the joy of my salvation. 

However, God is great. He reconciles, gives me peace and fixes all those things that I think are beyond repair. He sure did remold me. I mean, He had to let me get knocked off the table and crack into a bunch of pieces, but He scooped up all those pieces, dusted them off and saw their infinite worth. He didn't glue me back together and try to patch up my problem areas, no, He completely broke me to the bottom...

I lost all of my friends for the most part from high school because of conflict that I refused to resolve as an adult and instead just tried to delete it from my life, resulting in many burned bridges and heart wounds that I'm still praying will be reconciled. Still asking for forgiveness and trying to mull over.

I lost my dignity at times, feeling worthless because of how I let myself be treated.

I lost my hope, and let the world over rule my emotions, desires and goals.

I lost...I lost...I lost...the list could seriously go on.

This time of year is always hard for me, because this was the time of year that I lost all of those things...

I still have dreams of all those friends, I still pray for them and hope they're living the lives I know they deserve and talked with me about. I pray they find love. I pray they find it in their hearts to forgive me.

I wake up from those dreams hopeful, missing them so badly with an ache that I didn't know I could have for people, that I haven't had a legit conversation with, in almost 4 years.

I sometimes wake up feeling empty...like pieces of my heart have gone away with those friendships, and long to have them back only because I want those people there in my life. They enriched my life, I loved them. I had faith in their hopes and dreams...I walked with them through tough journeys. We had strong soul ties.

However, I no longer feel guilty. I can't. Yes, I have a lot to apologize for if I have time to do that with them. Which I hope and pray I do. BUT, I would NEVER want to apologize (or receive an apology) purely out of guilt. I want to give my apology in terms of truly being sorry, remorseful and saddened at my behaviors and how I've hurt others. Although, I don't see these opportunities coming about any time soon, I have a God who thinks, knows and dreams bigger than I even can. I will earnestly pray for the day that I get to see reconciliation between these important bridges that I've long ago burned, torn down and ruined. I am living proof it can happen, between me and God. 

"Throw it away, forget yesterday. We'll make the great escape!" 

Today I got married!

And my husband is okay that it wasn't a renewal ceremony to him. Crazy? Silly? Odd? Maybe to many. Maybe to most. But today I devoted a piece of my heart back from a place that had been hidden in anger, darkness, and depression. A place where I thought it was masked so well and buried so deep that even my God, my creator couldn't find it and bring down the walls to this "secret" place. 

There are sweet secret places of the most high, however, this is not so much. This is a secret lonely world, that I have locked myself into because of a label. And I have always tried so hard to steer clear of labels, until this one. If you've read my blog you've probably come across a blog or two that talks about my journey with PCOS. Seeing as how there is no current "cure" I see it as a long and winding road, with mountains and valleys. With triumphs and despair. This is MY journey and my journey wouldn't be complete without some very important people. Some I just met for the first time today. 

Today, I met an 81 year old who had the joy of The Lord unlike anything I ever felt, heard or saw with my own eyes. She was so beautiful, captivating and had so many stories behind her beautifully aged eyes. Stories of love and joy. Stories of sadness and pain. Stories of how great OUR God is. Today what blessed her heart the most was when we took a vow to marry Jesus. To uphold a covenant with Him and God as we do our earthly beloveds. She says "I thought I had truly given myself to Him and to God's ministry but I never really vowed to Him in that way and it was so beautiful." 

Today I was one of many women that married Jesus. They prayed with and for me, and didn't even know me. They took my struggle as their own. I truly felt for the first time in a while that I had sisters abundant in Christ. It was so so so cool because I was one of the youngest women there. I used to fear old age, wrinkles and illness. I used to fear judgement from a generation I happened to be in awe of. And today those comfort zones and fears were broken. Yes, we talked about God's love. But we also spoke about THEIR life. THEIR beautiful stories. That without their age, I probably would not have heard for lack of experience. I spoke with women who took my burden of infertility and turned it into joy, hope and light. I was truly blessed and still am warmed with love and light. 

Coming home tonight to tell my husband. He was so excited. He is excited for the call on our life to simply serve others with love and peace. He was thrilled to see a joy in my eyes again, a fire. I LET a label rob me of that for months and although this may seem redundant, when walking a journey that is tough (and let's face it, we don't have perfect lives so we all face trials) it is so good to have a constant reminder of progress, and slacking. Accountability. Goals. Triumph. Tonight as I asked my husband's honest opinion and advice after sulking, I got this...

So today, I married Jesus. I had heard of this before and thought selfishly "that's for Christian woman who are physically alone, widowed, single, etc..why would He want me?" It wasn't until I saw the raw emotion of my Mom's spiritual Mother and as I consider a spiritual Grandmother, the coping and mourning of her husband (the man who lead my father to Christ and helped him through sobriety) that God wants ME. God wants my husband. God wants us. And He wants us to choose Him because He has already chosen us. To see Linda, break before my eyes and say not even a day after her husband died back in 2008, she vowed to move forward and marry Jesus, broke me. He wanted me to say, "I need you, PCOS or not...I sin, I hurt, I need love and I need you." So...I did. I'm a firm believer for my relationship with God, I have to deepen it constantly. If that means I am constantly renewing my heart daily, then so be it. If that means every morning I devote my life to God and showing His people His love, then so be it. 

Today I married someone else, and not only is my husband okay with it, He is proud. :-)

Necessarily painful car fights

Today on our almost two hour travel back to GR it got ugly, emotional and beautiful in our car. 

In respect and honor of my husband I will refrain from bashing him, or pointing out his flaws publicly. I just don't feel right about it, especially since he does nothing but lift me up and encourage who I am publicly, as well as, in our home. 

With that being said, I'm sure some of you have experienced car fights. The "why are you doing that, going that way, getting frustrated and being mean to me fights" and for my husband and I, the time we bicker the most is because of the reasons above, silly we know. Truly it isn't how the person is driving or whatever that sparks the argument. Typically it's because someone has their feelings hurt and hasn't said anything about it but the car frustrations escalade and lead to an outpouring of pent up emotions. 

While we were hashing things out something dawned on me. My husband had forgotten the joy of his salvation and who was I to judge because a few months ago I was in that place too. Because I love him, I refused to let an opportunity to encourage him pass us by. 

So I said, "Do you not realize we have the best reason to be happy?" He just kinda looked at me funny and I said "Seriously, we have Heaven! We have eternal paradise. Everyone lives eternally spiritually, our souls have been sanctified and because we have accepted that gift of grace and choose to believe, we can have hope in Heaven." (I don't think we should forget about life here but I don't think we should dwell on what's temporary)

He just let a few tears roll down his cheek in silence and I just watched my husband break before me. I watched a weight lift off his shoulders and his heart melt. He expressed his frustration with his job, being put down and belittled, being made fun of as a kid and into college and it's impacting his self esteem (we've all been there) and I just told him, "Yes. People are mean at all phases of their life. People are bitter and have no hope. But that's not you. And that doesn't have to dictate your life. That is NOT eternal. This is not our "home" and Heaven does not have negativity." 

At this point, I started to realize what joy I get out of my salvation and the topic of Heaven. I asked him, "You know why the thought of Heaven encourages me? The thought that I won't have PCOS, I won't feel the sting of fertility issues, death has no no no power or overwhelming influence there, there is no cancer, no addiction, no pain. I don't have to hurt over my family, I don't have to ache over lost relationships. I don't have to deal with bullies." While I kept listing things a huge smile cracked across his face and I started to sob, tears of joy. 

I don't think I have cried tears of joy like that since my wedding day and even then I wasn't as weepy then as I was today. It was that realization for me to have and translate to my sweet husband that broke whatever tension was there. And for the rest of the ride home we chatted about anything and everything, sang loud with the radio, enjoyed the sunshine and for the first time in a long time I layed my head on his shoulder with peace and just admired the man he is. 

I am so blessed by his friendship and love, romance aside. He is pretty much the male version of myself but I still learn so much about him every day and I am so honored to be his wife. Jay, thank you for seriously making my life better and helping me to be a better version of myself. 

Worry:can't stop vs won't stop

Visited a church today where the sermon was delivered by a guest speaker who is a psychiatrist. Possibly one of the most influential sermons I've heard, for me. 

Worry is something I struggle with partly because I'm a control freak and partly because anxiety runs rampant in my family, along with many different mental illnesses. It's good to know I serve a God who doesn't stop loving me because I worry too much at times. This truly showed me how much I need to work on this issue. And how I need to stop being a temporary believer, I desire a faith so deep that I always turn to what I believe, in every situation. 

Along with this conviction I felt from this message, I felt such joy. The speaker mentioned can't or won't we stop, will we try to at least or just take defeat. He spoke about it being our will power or for some a psych/neuro issue. And I love love love the focus he had on being shameless about mental health or disorders.

Coming from a home, family and gene pool full of anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, etc. it was comforting to know that there are Christians out there who don't look down on those who cannot choose what is handed down to them, so to speak. However, he talked about ways to approach stress with medication for those who need it, and those who don't. He discussed real, raw issues and it was so hard for me to swallow but so beautiful.

I've been around many people who say they are Christians/believers that have belittled people who struggle with any mental problem. They say "pray harder,  you don't believe enough...". But today, that perception and judgement I had changed. The shame I was feeling about where I come from, what I've overcome and still struggle/fight against turned into being grateful I've overcome. That bitterness melted away and my wound started to heal. All in all, I was VERY blessed, changed and touched by this sermon. It was like God melted parts in my heart today that I never even realized I had let grow cold. Towards myself, my mom, my family,those who have hurt all of us and even God. 

In case you can't tell, I love taking notes and I love psychology. Hence, why I have my BS in it!:-) 

Running

We have never had a great relationship between my asthma, loose ligaments in my ankles, high blood pressure and slight heart murmur. I have never had a good "chance" at a healthy running relationship...

However, I let that remain an excuse to not try for a very long time. Mostly out of fear. You'll find out quick when it comes to working out, I get afraid. Here are my three reasons why. 

1)I have had numerous severe sprains in my ankles, which I wish I would've just broken my ankle. My left ankle is STILL swollen from a running accident back in 2011. And I was told I will more than likely, always have swelling. It sucks. 

2)I went on a health kick when I started going to GVSU since they have a nice facility and it was included in my tuition. But when I really started to get on a kick of working out and running, I happened to catch mono. I had three cycles of it before it disappeared. I pray it stays gone. I had a swollen spleen for a long time which left me unable to workout. Also just FYI my last cycle of mono occurred just a month and a half before my severe sprain of 2011. 

3)I'm afraid of what other people think of me.

And we can lecture about number 3 all we want but in order to overcome that fear, you have to face it. And that's EXACTLY what I've been doing. And that's the reason I get anxious every day before I walk into the gym. But today I left proud. I walked around the gym with my head held high because I beat my personal record for a mile. And I unfortunately found myself worrying that people would think "why is she proud of that time?" "Why should we care?" "Oh, you ran it on an elliptical psh". But you know what, I made a big deal about it anyways. Because to me I beat a lot more than a personal record for a mile time. I beat intimidation and shame of myself. I beat the thought that I cannot do this, I'm too fat, I have high bp etc etc. Any of the other junk that floods my mind and I'm sure some of you. I was so proud I went and bought a new wine to try with my dinner (salmon, baked sweet potato and salad). I rewarded myself with a HEALTHY meal. I've NEVER done that. 

So yes, it started with some tears in the middle of the grocery store from seeing all the cute babies and pregnant women. It took anger. Frustration. Pain. And defeat for me to overcome many fears. Today I walked into the gym afraid to run the mile (long time fear, even before I was overweight) and I practically skipped out of the gym with pride, joy and confidence. 

For anyone who is trying to lose weight, stop!!!!! Please. Let your focus be so much MORE than a number. Be healthy and that will come with it. If we focus more on what we do to our bodies and what we put in them, we will be healthier all around and eventually the weight will come off. Make it permanent. Make changes. Over come YOUR fears and believe in YOU. 

Best feeling in the world, sweat pouring down my face, no make up, legs feeling like jello. I don't come to the gym to look pretty, I come to the gym to work hard and it's my hope that when I leave I will look like I worked hard. 

People

People are so important to me, almost at times too important. I have to remind myself that we are all human and none of us should be placed on a pedestal because that will only lead to heartache. Not to mention, it can lead me to put people before God. 

With that being said, most of my favorite people live far away from me, with the exception of my husband. So whenever I see these people, my camera is out the whole time, snapping shots between laughter and hugs! I'm so incredibly thankful for the past weekend and the beautiful people that filled it! 

 

I only wish that they could all see themselves the way I do. With utmost admiration and love. With a forgiving eye and graceful embrace. 

MTW:Leave No Doubt

Happy birthday Uncle Michael. 

Today you'd be 39, and I would probably be calling you an old fart or something like that, which would more than likely result in a wrestling match. 

Today you'd be able to teach your daughter things like you taught me. I'll never forget that you taught me how to swim, skip rocks on the water and spin a basketball on my finger. 

Today you'd probably still be telling all of us nieces and nephews that you used to spit in the cereal when you worked at the factory.  Oh, and you'd probably still try to convince me that dog treats are cookies haha, thanks for that. 

Today you and I would probably still have our infamous "dog fighting" matches. I'd still choose to be a small dog first. Then you'd choose to be a pit and that would lead me to say "Fine! I'm all the dogs in the world, strongest, scariest ones!"  Then you'd let me win a wrestling match. And encourage me to keep singing and never give up on anything. No matter how scary it is. 

Today you would still be the big ole teddy bear that I remember you to be. The one who never took enough care of himself but made sure that my sister and I were taken care of, when you lived with us. 

Today who knows if you would still struggle with addiction, if you were on this Earth. Today, I hope that you would have  overcome the needles and toxic waste you pumped into your body. 

I know I never could (not that I would want to) judge your heart. But I knew you had a love for God. I remember how hard you tried to leave the drugs behind. I remember the tears, prayers and fights. I remember a strong man who had a weak moment, and the world had overcome him. I will always have peace that you are in Heaven. I know, I'm not God, the ultimate judge. And I'm thankful I'm not. But ever since that dream that God gave me about you and I walking hand in hand in Heaven, I have peace. 

Michael, I know you couldn't always beat that addiction but it's okay because God has overcome it all, even death. My life wouldn't be the same without you or your death that took you too soon from your family.

Every stone I skip, summer swim I take, basketball game I play and song I sing, I do it in part with your memory at the forefront of my mind. I love you so much and I hope you are enjoying those streets of gold. 

Because of your death, I want to live intentionally. I want my family to know with peace and joy where I am and that I lived a truly fulfilling and not oppressing life. Because of your death, I want to live out love and never leave any doubt. 

Tomorrow you'll be gone for 10 years. You'll be addiction free, resting peacefully for 10 years. You'll still have the biggest heart of anyone I know. You'll still be more of a big brother to me, than an uncle. Tomorrow I will live better. Tomorrow is a new day, chance, dream. A time for someone else to overcome addiction on this earth. Tomorrow is a new day for redemption. Tomorrow you'll still be one of my favorite people, no matter the label, no matter the addiction. I love you (uncle) Michael Thomas Williams. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iXMNzaZgMEM