Five years ago, even three years ago, I never thought my momma and I would have the relationship we do now. If anything, this last year of my life has shown me the power, grace and beauty in reconciliation.
I am strengthened and encouraged by my mom, daily. She's the best friend I've always wanted, she treats me how she desires to be treated. She loves me unconditionally. Even though I'm her child, I know she sees me as her best friend too. I was there when she lost her best friend to cancer, I held my mom through the heavy bouts of sobbing, yelling why, and her hopelessness. I often have been the one to discover my mom cycling, to merely try to physically/mentally/emotionally pick her back up. I held her hand during flashbacks of her childhood, even though for a split second she had no recollection of who I was. I answered her questions that made no sense and helped her try to see past her hallucinations. I've been there for the med changes, mood swings and hospital stays. I've missed out on important events and times in my life and missed out on reminiscing times with my mom (prom, graduation,etc).
But none of that compares to what my mom has overcome to get me to where I am today. None of my experiences can outshine the numerous times my mom has walked me through my dark valleys, always praying, never losing her faith in God and in me. Even when I haven't wanted to hear it (which has been a lot) she speaks the truth but she does so with love. She's watched my heart break from boys, loss of friends, loss of family, and loss of my dreams and possibly being a mom. She has held my hand literally through all of that. Laid with me on my sleepless nights. And she always encourages me to love myself for who I am. She always believes in my dreams. She always celebrates with me, even over the little things, which to her, there are no little triumphs. A triumph is just that. A victory. My mom is my hero.
Today, I get to have some time alone wth my mom and I reflect on how far we truly have come since 2006 and I tear up with tears of joy. I no longer mourn the loss of the mom I expected to have but I am thankful for the fact that my mom is still here and on that note, coming off of some meds and making great strides. Her battle will always feel like my battle and I will always have some piece of worry because she is so dear to me. But we trust one another, we can talk about anything and more importantly she remembers our days together now, laughs more than ever, and has gotten her twinkle back. That's why even still to this day, I hope to be like my mom in a lot of ways. I hope to learn to love as deeply as she does and I hope to learn how to be meek. I will always strive to be a consistent/stern yet comforting and fun mom like she was. I have learned so much from her, that I hope I can reflect too. I know one thing is sure though, I have her free spirit. That's something I will always fight to hold onto. My mom taught me that, keep fighting. You don't have to be at the front of the race and you can even walk slower than others but always just keep going.