PCOS...

I feel this entry is only necessary for two reasons 1)educate others and 2)empower myself to move past this diagnosis. What is PCOS? Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome...something I had no idea even existed until a month ago. Sure I've heard of women having ovarian cysts and how painful it could be but I never knew of PCOS which happens to be the most common female endocrine disorder. It also happens to be a big contributor of women's infertility and inability in conceiving. I could give you an overall anatomy review with big and overwhelming words but instead I'll give it to you from my point of view, someone who was recently diagnosed with PCOS. 

So basically what happens is unlike "normal" cycles my beautiful body doesn't release an egg, and I don't ovulate, there are multiple reasons this happens and like I said there's enough medical info out there if it interests you enough, look it up and do some research ;) However, I don't think anyone who hasn't actually EXPERIENCED this can really tell you how it feels, and even so every woman may not experience the same symptoms. However, I will be sharing my story which ties in the stereotypical symptoms for this disorder so if it sounds like something you're going through, do not hesitate to go get checked out. Keep in mind, this is my personal story I am not speaking for anyone else in this blog, but myself. 

This starts back in July when my migraines grew to be crippling and I was so sick of struggling with them for years. I would get the blinding spots and blurred vision along with light sensitivity and not being able to even eat. On top of these migraines I experience strong fatigue due to having had mono a few years ago, knocking out my immune system. Every time I started to feel better I got sick again and ended up having 4 mono flare ups in 6 months...all of this while I started my first semester at GVSU. So meanwhile trying to get these migraines under control after MRI/MRA and medicines that only made them worse, I decided to take myself off of my birth control which I didn't think much of anyways because I am married now, so having a child wasn't something we were afraid of any longer. However, after two missed cycles I began to think that I was possibly pregnant. After two home pregnancy tests read false I felt my hopes go down but my husband remained hopeful and supportive. A few weeks later I stepped on the scale and realized I had gained about 15lbs in 4 weeks, which has NEVER happened to me. It has always been a struggle for me to lose weight, especially after puberty but I have never gained that much weight, that quickly. Looking back I started to realize, I've gained an easy 50lbs since 2009. I may not eat that well or work out that often but I hardly eat at all because I never have an appetite and when I'm awake I feel so drained, depressed and anxious. It really hit me hard when I began to wake up and go to bed in constant pain. It hurts to stretch, sneeze, be intimate with my husband and other "normal" every day things. I started to shut down which made my depression and anxiety worsen. I had no idea why I was feeling this way, so I made a doctors appointment...

Of course I had convinced myself that I had some type of ovarian cancer or something else but I learned that my chances for OC actually are lowered by the fact that I've been on birth control since I was 15. I had only gone on BC at that age because my cycles were lasting for 6 weeks and happened about every 3 months if that which caused me to become anemic (low in iron and my hemoglobin was low). I was desperate for a fix, I just wanted to feel like a "normal" teenager. I never was able to have a normal cycle on my own and my acne never went away into adulthood. I had always had a feeling that I wouldn't be able to have my own children since I was about 14 but I never quite understood what my body was trying to tell me.

After an appointment with my primary dr she referred me to a wonderful OBGYN and he concluded with a pelvic exam and ultrasound that I have PCOS. I could see what they call "the string of pearls" that covered my ovaries. Last fall I had gone to the er for similar side and ovary pain but they had concluded it was probably an ovarian cyst that burst but they "couldn't really tell". Here I am a year later being diagnosed with not one or two ovarian cysts but a disorder where my ovaries were constantly covered with them. I always thought my first ultrasounds would be done for pregnancy and that it would be exciting. Instead  I was looking at my pearl like ovaries, feeling inadequate as a woman. It really hit me when I asked my Dr. if it would be difficult for me to have children and he said yes. He didn't say I would never have children but that it would simply pose more challenges. Anyone that truly knows me, knows that I've wanted four kids for as long as I can remember. I wanted to make a life and career out of being a stay at home mom eventually. The fact that my dream of that is even remotely at risk of not happening has sort of shattered my world. I am SO sick of hearing, "You will have kids, just not now..." or "You're too young to worry about having kids yet" or "You'll be fine and God will give you kids when He sees it fit." I feel like these messages come from people who love me, yes, and want to be supportive but don't know how. It's sort of how you feel helpless when someone loses a loved one. How are you supposed to say well I'm sorry your life is changing and all your dreams may never come true....that life you built may be gone and I'm sorry but it's because that's what God has planned. There is a time and a place for all of that...but right now when I feel like a failure is not that time...

I think for me, I need to redefine. I mean I have to change pretty much everything about my current lifestyle so I may as well redefine myself and my dreams. I may as well get to know myself again because I feel like a different person, trapped in a body that doesn't belong to me. And as dramatic as this seems, until you experience it, I'd rather not be told I'm "over reacting". For me every day I wake up and remember I have to take pills to have normal body functions, pills that of course have LOVELY side effects. From ringing ears to upset stomach to dizzy spells and hot flashes...it's just a ball let me tell you. And these aren't even the fertility meds I may end up having to take some day. I just wish for a moment that my life would be more carefree. I don't really think that people can comprehend how I feel because it's not a terminal illness. They're right, it's not cancer but so often I feel like people over look the disorders, diseases and syndromes that take over people's lives and may not pose as a life threat but they still keep people from living every day. I feel like I am imprisoned and chained to a syndrome that has taken over my body and my life and as much as people try to tell you that it can't define who you are, to some respect it will because I will always have PCOS. 

Tonight I'm discovering that I don't want to roll over like a dog and just take this...I want to fight it, and I will fight it, every day with all that I am, even though I am going through CRAZY embarrassing bodily changes that are out of my control...I am STILL fearfully and wonderfully made. 24 years ago my mom was told she wouldn't have any more children...yet here I am today and while I don't believe my story will be my future child's story...I choose to believe in miracles and to have faith. Right now my miracle would be losing weight, and getting my hormones stable and decreasing my symptoms and pain. It's a 24/7 thing and even though I'm taking medicines it doesn't just go away, but I will keep fighting because I'm extraordinary. I'm part of the 5% of women in America with an endocrine disorder that tries to steal our womanhood, and joy but I won't allow it, not for me. 

Life is so crazy but beautiful.

I have sooooo much going on lately and haven't blogged it and boy can I tell!!! =]
With Jayme and I recently graduating and finishing up summer classes while trying to finishing wedding plans, I haven't really had the time to just sit down and collect my thoughts. I figure since everyone keeps telling me how it all goes by so fast that I need to sit down and record my thoughts so i have something to look back on later on when all the madness sort of slows down. Let's be honest. The chaos never really ends, it sort of just shifts from one thing to another. But that's okay, I like staying busy.

So both of our showers were beautiful and lovely. We have never felt more loved and supported. All of the gifts, cards, well wishes and warm hugs just made our special days that much better and we are SO THANKFUL for those who were there physically or letting us know in spirit they were there =]

After that we had another BIG event in our life! We decided to both get baptized and commit everything we are and our relationship to God. We are fully ready for the ministry and plans that He has set for us and we are just waiting and enjoying life while we start to see those plans slowly unravel. I cannot begin to tell you how much we've both changed and it's been for the better. I am overwhelmed with God's love and His grace and I see every day more and more how much I need Him...not only need Him, but WANT Him in my life. I want to feel His love every moment of every day. I want to learn more about what it means to be selfless and love others. I just feel...different. And my husband to be...SO different. He's always had a beautiful, humble, compassionate and innocent heart. But lately it has just REALLY been able to shine through him and I'm so incredibly proud of the man he is and is becoming. With that being said, I'm so excited to cheer him on for training for the police academy. We're hoping and praying he does well on the testing but we have no doubt that God will bring him through victoriously if that is the plan for Jayme's life. =]

Next, oh man...wedding drama...there has been some drama but every time something bad happens it's like God sweeps it out and puts me in His pocket of grace. Some days, I literally feel held by Him. Fights have occurred, hurt feelings, stress, tears, and broken friendships but God is restoring it all and healing my wounds. He also is gracing me with beautiful new skin over those scars, such as...showing me strength in friendships I've never discovered before, money that I need, resources in general, helping hands and just the answers I need. The biggest drama was probably my dress......that's a whole story in itself.

Back in the fall when my mom was caring for my ill Aunt, I decided...as I was back then, that I was going to try to do EVERYTHING...literally it all on my own. I didn't want to stress anyone out and I didn't feel it was fair to take her from my Aunt. So I went ahead and bought a dress, online. I figured I didn't need the girly dress trying on experience because I've ALWAYS been a "tom boy" and I just kind of picked one and went with it. I didn't feel too connected to it or anything, except for the fact my Aunt had gotten to see a picture of it before she died. When I got it, it fit ALL wrong. I was soooo determined to get in that baby. SO, I've been working out like  crazy, eating healthier, etc etc. I was finally able to fit into it except well it just didn't fit in the chest area, let's just say that! AND can I be honest for a second? NOT all women that have a smaller waist, also have a small bust, let's just get that straight ;)  While I was trying to be super optimistic and work my tail off, I just started to FRET and worry about this situation. I no longer wanted that dress, and felt like after my Aunt died, I had a negative emotional connection to it, as well as not wanting to make my mom feel guilty for not being here, etc etc. The day comes to go pick it up from getting steamed and try it on...dun, dun, dun........

Yeah, no go...It fit everywhere but the bust, STILL...I couldn't breathe but we got it all laced up but it wasn't comfortable. The hem was about 2-3'' too short, you could see my feet. This was just NOT it. I held it all in during the fitting and just held back the tears. I didn't admit it to my mom or best friend that was there at the time but I felt so ugly I didn't even want to look at myself...I didn't even want to THINK about walking down the aisle in it, or getting pictures in it. This just was NOT my dress...soooo...I put on a smile and walked out the door with the dreaded dress. Not being able to eat or sleep ALL week because I've literally been up worrying about this stupid dress ALL week...I walk into the place we're having lunch and could not keep it together. All I could think was, well I'm gonna have to starve myself these next two weeks to be beautiful for my day. I did not want Jayme seeing me in that dress. I felt hideous. So as I got my sandwhich I still held back the tears until my mom just looked at my and my best friend grabbed my arm. Both reassuring me that it would be fine I couldn't hold it in any longer. We sat down and instantly I started bawling. If you know me, you know I don't do well with tears in front of others, or tears in public. I'm just weird like that. Part of that whole doing it on my own thing. So I BAWLED like a baby...it felt great. I needed that.

I admitted to them both about missing out on the girly experience and feeling like an idiot and wishing I wouldn't have chosen that dress. I wanted a dress to choose me and my dress was NOT doing that. It was rejecting me so badly in so many ways. So I talked with them both about ALL of my feelings, admitting I was wrong for trying to do it on my own and my best friend goes...well, we're still here and the bridal shop is right there...what do you want to do? What do you think Aunt Angel would want? Of course I answered, go get another dress. Thank God I've got friends to force me to think about what I want. I looked at them both and said, I don't know how to be selfish, I don't know how to focus on me...Jessie (my best friend) looks at me and goes, "That's okay, I can help you. This is something you deserve and need to be selfish for, this is your wedding and I know you're only doing this once." In that moment I realized ya know what...she's absolutely right. I will not enjoy this experience and day without feeling beautiful and my momma agreed. So we went back over to the shop after lunch, explained our situation and had a lovely woman help me try on some dresses. She had me try on 5 and it ended up being the first one I tried on. I walked out and instantly was crying and told my mom "I feel like a princess, I look like cinderella" and when I came out the second time in it, before I could even ask her if this was the one I looked out and she was shaking her head yes so fast and much that I thought she was going to give herself a concussion! =] So that's how I knew it was it. Sometimes I feel that way with Jayme. He fits my life, my purpose, my passion. He's everything I need and want in a man and helpmate and God knows that. All the others were just like the dress that got in the way of my real gown. Jayme is my ultimate. He's my soul mate and this whole day was so emotional but it was so representative of everything I've gone through to get to Jayme. I am SO thankful. The best part too was that I got to ring a bell when I decided it was my dress. They had me make a wish but I said a prayer instead that it would be cheaper and by george it was! I'm not shy to say I only paid $399 for a $699 dress! God is SO good all the time, even with something as simple as a wedding gown. Thank you God for having MY best interest at heart.

Why don't I trust...

I am such a doubting Thomas when it comes to my role after college and what God has in store for me. My Dad reminded me tonight that I need to finish school and wedding stuff before I try to load myself with a career or further planning for schooling. However, the world tells me differently. My Heavenly Father says to rest but the world says to worry. I get so caught up in what I need to get done for what's current on Earth instead of what's on my heart. Tonight my Dad also showed me a project from my first semester freshman year of college. I must admit I was MUCH more optimistic and not quite burnt out on college but it made sense. We watched/read the final lecture by Randy Pausch in this class I had to create my own final lecture. If you've never read or watched his I HIGHLY suggest to do so. It is SO rewarding and truly makes you think about the legacy you're leaving behind.
As much as our actions we leave behind are important in what we build for our families so are our words. Often what we do stems from our words. Think about it: a fight? a paper? a job interview? a test? etc
What we're speaking we usually hopefully maybe turn into action. At times we may NOT want to put our angry words into action. But other things we do such as commitment, promises, characteristics we describe ourselves with and other things we speak.
Words can build a city or tear it down and our words cut much deeper than we will EVER realize because most of the time, when we're hurt by others words we never say anything. It doesn't have to even be words SPOKEN but it can be the things left UNSPOKEN that breaks us just as easily.
I guess tonight I decided the world's words were not going to neither make or break me any longer. My long run dreams for the big picture 10 or 20 years down the road is to start a youth home or safe haven. I want youths to know that they're important, loved and smart. They have more potential than they know or than the world can possibly fathom. Most importantly they have purpose. I am SO overwhelmed with knowing I HAVE purpose, even though I have NO job/career started or idea of what I'm doing in August. ALL I know is that I'm going to enjoy the next 30 days approaching my wedding. The day I marry the best person for me. The one that God created with intentional purpose. I am so blessed beyond my measure. I cannot ever thank God or those around me enough that continually put up with my good, bad and UGLY. For that my heart says pay it forward, and so I plan to do so with my life whether that means I'm poor, a missionary, or have to go back for more schooling. At this point I've planned all that I can and now I just have to trust that I've planned accordingly to God's will and hang on for the ride I'm about to embark on. The adventure has just started.

On a side note, we took two weeks break in between seven and started our 7 daily prayers today. Might I say it's A LOT harder than I thought...I worry and burden SO much more than I need to (which is a sin) ugh. I'm struggling BUT I've been mindful and every time I stress, wonder or what if I turn to God in prayer. It's been super helpful for these two days because they've been the most stressful since graduation! Gah but God is good and faithful I will continually proclaim. I hope you all have landed in a pocket of His grace and are enjoying this spring season! Before we know it the summer heat will be upon us =]

What is going on...

I have been having such a strong joy in my walk with the Lord. The first month of 7 was amazing. At times I didn't follow my fast as strictly as I could have, but I plan on doing it again at least once a year so that I can constantly be grounding myself in Christ. Separating from my desires even of food was SUCH a hard task, so what will I do when He calls me to separate from my sin, flesh and earthly desires as a whole so that I can be living in the walk He has planned for me. My Lord and creator wants me to be joyful and to experience the fullness of His and my partner's love. My Lord wants me to rest in His moving peace. My Lord wants me to be healed by the soothing balm that He will place upon my heart. Because My Lord, My God, My creator is for me.

However, I have been wanting more. I want to know Him more, feel Him more and hear from Him more. It's funny because I hide so much in secret in my heart, but God sees it all. He knows my every desire, fear and flaw. Yet, HE still wants me...He wants me to accept His love and joy. He also wants me to accept His law to reach these things. This is what I've been having a hard time with. I've been asking God to help me discern His ways for different issues that I've been struggling with. I have sat back on these issues and decided I wouldn't deal with them until I HAD to...well sure enough He has placed things in my life where I now must deal with these issues and where I stand. I don't want to judge, condemn or belittle others. But I want them to know what their decisions and consequences lead them to. I keep playing the song changed by rascal flatts in my head. This song always hits my heart so hard. Especially because I am getting baptized soon. I feel SO changed. My love has changed and my heart has changed. It doesn't mean I don't struggle or have temptations but I trust the Lord with those things where I once didn't. I've also learned to trust that HE will guide me through these issues I am wishy washy on.

As I've been praying for answers I also have been upset that I don't have my spiritual mentor, my Aunt Angel, here to talk some of these moral and societal issues out. She was also SO wise and able to speak truth with love. Not even lifting it in a formal prayer I just simply sort of thought man I wish I could hear from her, I wish I could capture her wisdom on this...

So the other night God saw my desire before I knew it was an actual desire and He gave me a wonderful dream. If you don't know me, you should know that God speaks through dreams a lot to me. They make symbolic sense to me. In my dream my aunt was there prior her illness and she was basically the same Aunt as she was when she was leading at International House of Prayer. My mom and her were just hanging out and my parents house didn't have the remodel it does now, back in the day we had a pool and the huge stepping stones next to it. In my dream this is how our back yard was again. In this dream Angel (my aunt), Jayme and I were asking her HARD questions that were worth questioning and we were so distraught. She was answering and just saying how happy she was for us when all of the sudden the sky turned gray and it was about to storm. So we were still asking her questions when she said. Go get the word. Jayme and I looked at each other and were confused. My aunt said again, hurry go get the word, because it is about to storm. In the dream of course Jayme headed out into this powerful storm and had to yell the wind was so strong, he yelled to her, where is the word?! I can't find it. Angel said calmly back, it is AMIDST the stones. She put emphasis on amidst. Jayme shouted back, I cannot find it...what should I do? She then looked at me and said, you need to go help him find the word because this storm is getting  closer. So I went out and searched for maybe 30 seconds and then there was the word sitting in the middle of the stepping stones. This Bible was SO huge that it took the both of us to carry and we headed inside where the rain and storm began to violently beat up our surrounding as soon as we safely stepped inside. However, my aunt was gone as soon as I left the house to help Jayme.

This dream holds SO much symbolism to me and here is the breakdown.

• Angel being there, she's my mentor I always felt safe with her however she left when I started looking to the word for my answers, which is what I need to do. She is no longer here, I need the word because it is truth.
• The second big piece that sticks out to me is that Jayme and I as a team were asking questions trying to grow together...which is what we're doing now.
• Jayme left me to go find the word. To find God
• I had to leave my home to go be one in our search for God and we found Him and our guidance together as a team (we're getting ready to get married and become one in Christ)
• The Bible was found in the stones...stones represent barriers or things that could keep us from diving into what God is
• The storm....the storm is life. Think about it ;)

If you have any questions let me know. However, this is just a great way that God chooses to communicate with me. I just know during this storm, any storm and any stone...I HAVE to turn to the word and the truth of my creator to discover what to do.

We are starting our next seven phase tomorrow and it's seven daily pauses. Meaning we will schedule seven times a day that we stop and pray. Every other prayer will be with each other but also some praying on our own. I feel like this dream could NOT have come at a more perfect time. Good one God, you're at it again ;) 

A leader? SAY WHAT?

Tonight, one of my best, closest friends and sisters in Christ brought to my attention that she sees me as a leader. It was something I had never really though about and yet I've now heard it twice from two of the most important people in my life. Back in the fall semester I was drinking heavily. When I drank, my goal was to be drunk. It kept me from God, but also as important, it kept me from His people. I was among His people sure, but what was different from me to them? I had guilt. 
I could not just go out and party without a thought about it the next day. I always woke up thinking, my savior died so I could do this? So I could encourage my struggling, broken, aching friends to cope this way? This is NOT right...there HAS to be hope. There HAS to be more than all of this suffering.
I didn't know it then but I was already thinking of what it means to be a leader.
Webster's definition-Leader:The person who leads or commands a group, organization, or country.

No matter what your gifts or talents are, at some point in time God has or will call you to be one of His leaders, if you've accepted His gift of grace. This makes me realize no matter how much I feel like I'm not measuring up to this world or comparing myself to others (which is a sin I struggle with) God HAS plans for me to lead...lead people to love, hope, and salvation. That His people may find life through Him, His sacrifice and His love. 

1 Peter 5:2-4

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

² shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; ³ nor yet as lording it over^[a]those allotted to your charge, but ^[b]proving to be examples to the flock. ⁴ And when the ChiefShepherd appears, you will receive the unfading ^[c]crown of glory.

So many times we think of a leader as someone who has it all together, who goes above and beyond, we may think they're the people who are involved in every committee at church or in their work place. At the same time, we're forgetting about what God does behind the scenes. Although it is important to have organization, structure and discipline we often forget that it is necessary to KNOW who we're leading, in order to lead them according to what God wants. It breaks my heart when churches don't look in their own back yard and say how can I fully reach out to this community with love. It doesn't have to be a big event, or even something huge. It can be as simple as opening your doors and arms to people hurting. We need to reach people who have no hope, instead of ONLY investing in those who have found Christ. It is SUPER important to focus on encouraging and keeping our brothers and sisters in Christ accountable but we also have to expand the love of God. We cannot keep something so great to ourselves in our comfortable bubbles. I admit I have done so. The cry of my heart is that I'm continually reaching out to anyone and everyone that crosses my path. I want my legacy to be that I live out love. Hence the name of my blog, a phrase I've lived by since high school. Love is a verb. Act it out!

Less than 60 days!!!

OH MAN!!!!!!!!
I am so so soooo excited, because my wedding is in LESS than 60 days, and graduation is in 18 days! Life is getting crazy but I'm letting God take me there!
Today I had a bit of a breakdown just because of all of the end semester projects that accumulate towards the end! I'm excited that my college journey is almost over and I'm about to embark on a different path. I am so ready to be Jayme's wife and to start dreaming together towards our futures. God has big plans and He works in so many wonderous ways. I know that even when I can't see what's going on, HIS grace is enough for me to know that there's a plan =] Don't you forget that!!! Need prayer? LET ME KNOW! One of my goals is to be more helpful towards others...have a need? ASK ME!!! Seriously, I'm here to serve!!!
I pray you're having a great week so far.

ps:only a week and two days left for the first four weeks of our 7 fast and boy has it been hard, even though there have been times we've eaten what is outside of our fast, we went with our convictions and discernment and decided it's right to go an extra two days. God is faithful and knows our hearts, goals and passions. HE holds our desires in His hand. I am so excited to just keep delighting myself in the Lord.

MUCH LOVE! =]

Who am I? Who are You?

Another name for God...I am.
Think about it.
Tonight at small group this was brought up and it made me think why the emphasis on I AM...we have many religious songs that include this phrase or calling of God. What does that mean?

TO ME:I ask myself, who am I? Who are YOU, God? Who am I in Your image? I am, He says. 
Of course then I reply, You are what? Help me out here! And I FEEL like now that we are struggling/stressed in so many aspects in every situation and place I'm seeking answers, there God is saying. I am. HE is it. He's the answer and these are the ways that I see "I AM" in my life.

Exodus 3:14-God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM”; and He said, “Thus you shall say to the sons of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”

These are the questions I ask...and how God answers with I am...
I need money and provisions, I don't know how I'm going to even get groceries or be able to pay student loans back...God says I am...He is the provider.

Psalm 54:5-Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life and feel like I'm at a dead end with my degree...God says I am, I have a path for you.

Jeremiah 29:11-13-For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

Lord I am broken and I am ugly with all of my scars. I just, I'm not good enough because of my past, I don't compare to what others are...God says I am, I have made you in MY image.

Isaiah 61

Because the Lord has anointed me
To bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners;
² To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
³ To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

⁴ Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins,
They will raise up the former devastations;
And they will repair the ruined cities,
The desolations of many generations.
⁵ Strangers will stand and pasture your flocks,
And foreigners will be your farmers and your vinedressers.
⁶ But you will be called the priests of the Lord;
You will be spoken of as ministers of our God.
You will eat the wealth of nations,
And in their riches you will boast.
⁷ Instead of your shame you will have a double portion,
And instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion.
Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land,
Everlasting joy will be theirs.
⁸ For I, the Lord, love justice,
I hate robbery in the burnt offering;
And I will faithfully give them their recompense
And make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Then their offspring will be known among the nations,
And their descendants in the midst of the peoples.
All who see them will recognize them
Because they are the offspring whom the Lord has blessed.

¹⁰ I will rejoice greatly in the Lord,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up,
So the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise
To spring up before all the nations.

This verse is special to me, because this is the verse God has given to me for my life. Tonight I was reminded by the LOVELY, amazing, Godly women in my small group...I am...what does that mean when I say: I AM Felicia, I AM a child of God, I AM a bride to be, I AM a daughter and sister and friend...what does that mean? DO I speak with the confidence knowing that the GREAT I AM, made me in HIS image? Just a great way to think about it, especially while I am struggling with this fast and what I can or cannot eat. Am I putting my food and LIFE preferences before God's will? I pray that you will ask God and listen to His I am answers. Sometimes it's hard to understand what that means, but we have to seek Him and see what all He is wanting to be for us, because he's willing to be it all when He says "I AM".

Maxed Out.

So I haven't written in a week for several reasons.

1. I was super sick all week last week and a couple of days I didn't fast because I was sick and needed to eat things with substance so that I could get better. 
2. We didn't fast Saturday and Sunday because of being with family and it just being conflict of trying to balance our diet with everything going on around us and such.
3. I was sick so I did nothing besides school and sleep

Remember that anger issue I mentioned before? Well it's only gotten worse and it spiked today when I snapped at Jayme. Something I haven't done for a very long time. The looking in his eyes that screamed, I'm hurt and that he thought I was disappointed in him, was punishment enough. Yet, it was nothing compared to the personal guilt and conviction I felt later as I was sitting in my class. I couldn't concentrate because I know I had hurt his feelings and he didn't know he had hurt mine. I fail to explicitly say, hey stop hurting my feelings or I'm going to snap. That's exactly what happened today. So since I fail to let my feelings out and bottle them up, today is going to be a feelings post. Normally, mind you I try to be positive and always see the good in things but lately so much has piled up that I cannot shake this angst and anxiety. I'm not discrediting anyone's trials and troubles because quite frankly I know there are many facing things that trump what I'm going through but I'm going to be vulnerable and ask you for prayers and just to let me vent.

So it started off last week, well the recent worry started last week. To know why I deal the way I do, you'd have to know some family history. With a father who was an alcoholic during my childhood (he's been sober almost 10 years now, PRAISE God) and my mother who was diagnosed with many different psychopathology disorders, I have always been quite independent and learned how to cope. In turn from growing up a lot on my own, I tend to separate myself often when problems arise, so that I'm not a)burdening anyone, and b)it's just what I've always done, take care of myself.

I'm just going to make a list for each boring, dull, event that is overwhelming my joy at the moment...don't judge my "problems" please, because some of them probably seem quite petty. 

• Jayme's computer is broken, and mine is slightly broken...both are functional but his has a lovely crack down the screen and my fan is broken which makes the WORLD'S most annoying noise ever, and you have to hold it just right or else it makes the horrid noise.
• Jayme's car needs an estimated amount of $400 worth of work on it, because it also makes ugly noises but simply needs the updates.
• We're both unsure of what we're doing after school both working and living...(biggest stress)
• We've had hopes and visions of what we're doing and everything keeps crumbling, every single time
• We are running low on money since we've paid for a lot of our wedding decor and things in general, and rent/groceries/gas home etc. 
• The wedding, in general.....SO MUCH TO DO!!!!
• Feeling good about my body and trying to be in shape and find the motivation and time to work out.
• Being able to spend GOOD, pure, time with Jayme without us having to talk about all of the issues above
• Feeling stuck in life in general with school, crappy professors, constantly being told my efforts aren't good enough and feeling like I have a pointless degree.

Everyone says that college is like the best time of your life and quite frankly it's just been hard. I know I know, if it were easy, everyone would do it. But I have friends who work several jobs, take lots of credits and seemingly have all of their life together. ME, I'm trying to do what I can JUST to organize my chaos. I feel obligated in so many directions and had SO many dreams built up and every dream turns out to be a dead end. I feel a HUGE pull to ministry lately but I have NO idea where, when, how or anything. I know my God is bigger than all of the issues above but this is my life we're talking about here. This isn't a relationship with some guy, or just trying to figure out what classes to take. NO, this is REAL life, adult decisions that need to be made and it seems like I don't even get to make the decisions. It is like life is beating me up, making the decisions for me. I thought about it the other day and realized I have faced SO much trauma, adversity and just plain struggle. I'm a first generation college student, the first one in my ENTIRE family to go straight from high school to college and finish. My dad went back recently and got his degree but he already had a great job so it's really hard for him to relate to my college struggle. Plus praise God his work paid for his education. Me on the other hand, student loans up to my eyes and ears!!! I just feel like I've overcome so much in my life, if you read an abstract on just my lives events, things uncontrollable you probably wouldn't expect to see who I am. I am the product of a recovering alcoholic (wonderful, wise, strong) Father, a mentally "ill" (kind, deep, loving) Mother, a family full of drug addicts/criminals, and the list continues. But the only thing that separates my struggle from theirs is that I've accepted the grace of God and gift of salvation. There isn't anything I go through that I think I won't make it through this. So all in all, I have everything I need because I've made it out...I've broken statistics and family cycles. I've been able to rise above poverty and struggle. My parents are a HUGE inspiration and motivator for me to finish school and serve God. They have given up so much for me, so that I can have a better life than what they had and I am so grateful. So in my midst of being scared out of my wits because I have NO idea where my future is going...I'm going to just lay it at the cross. It's not okay to put MY worry before the Lord's will for my life and I don't want to cloud the wonderful plans He has with my own selfish desire to control and have everything I want, because sometimes what we want is not what we need. I pray that you too can find strength to rise above what seems to be disastrous in your life. I pray that Joshua 1:9 becomes your mindset, like I'm trying to make for myself. Lord I thank YOU for having the ultimate plan and knowing what's best for me. I praise YOU for giving and taking away. Let it be.

Day 7 Heavy burden light heart?

Today I realized that because I finally admitted that I have a problem trusting God with my emotions, that I need to seriously come to terms with this problem and learn how to let go. I need to release the pain I've been bottling up for years, including something that has always made me so incredibly angry...My Uncle's death.
Today's blog won't have a lot to do with food, because honestly that's sort of boring to write about food every day and well the point is to gain God's insight and let go of my comfort in food. With letting go of my outlet of my emotions, I've been able to embrace the events I've gone through and how they've shaped me as a young woman.
My Uncle was a great man, regardless of his flaws. But like every other human, he had his sins, weaknesses and talents as well. He was down to earth, kind, GOOFY and always believed in me. The several times he lived with my family he made it a point to ALWAYS encourage my singing and my relationship with God. Little did I know while growing up, admiring this man, that he had a drug problem. Now as I'm older it is obvious to me, but because I looked at him through the eyes of a child, all I saw was an incredibly awesome adult who invested in my life the way an older brother would. He literally taught me how to swim, skip rocks on the lake and to spin a basketball on my finger. Those things seem so small but in the scheme of my life I always remember where I was and who I was with where I first learned these things every time I swim laps, touch a basketball and spend the day outdoors at the lake. When he passed away I spent so many nights just shooting hoops, angrily of course.
I guess this story does have to deal with food in a way because when he died, I quit eating for a while. I couldn't stand to eat when I felt like a part of my heart had died. But when I DID eat, I ate things that gave me comfort and thus started my ugly relationship with food. His death wasn't that of something we knew was coming or could expect and even if it had been it is still a hard concept for anyone to wrap their mind around but especially my 13 year old awkward self.
Finding out that he did drugs and ended up passing from drugs was so hard. I saw many of my peers using pain pills as recreational "fun" and couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of such a thing. I was SO angry at so many people. I was angry at my friends who did drugs, I was angry and still am at the people who were with my Uncle that night he died, and I was wrongly angry at God. My Uncle had been doing so well with getting his life as we call it "together" and making an attempt to sober up because of his daughter he was trying to be a great father for. I was so angry that he lost the fight he'd been fighting all along with substance abuse. And eventually in my life instead of seeing what had happened to him and steering clear, I sort of ventured down a similar path. While I wasn't using any drugs, I wasn't glorifying God with my life by getting drunk even when I promised time after time I wouldn't. I had separated myself from God. ME, not Him.
I did what I wanted and it got me to a lonely, dark, angry place.
Tomorrow marks 9 years that my Uncle Michael has been gone and it's been since winter break since I've last been intoxicated with alcohol and I can say I feel like I'm doing myself and my relationship with God some justice by only being intoxicated with God's love and Holy Spirit. Last year about a year ago I got a tattoo in memory for my Uncle. It has the NA symbol with a peace sign in the middle, because although I know my Uncle struggled and did things that weren't pleasing to God, he loved God and often would talk with me about Him. He also really started to pursue God more by asking my dad a lot of questions and just showing a curiosity to grow. God gave me a beautiful dream about meeting up with my Uncle in front of the gates and saying my goodbyes. After that dream I had complete peace which is why I included the peace sign. The phrase "Leave No Doubt" encompasses and pulls the tattoo together along with my Uncle's initials MTW. Leave No Doubt is my family's life phrase now. I personally have taking a liking to the deep meaning behind it. So many times as a follower of God I feel like I'm not good enough for God or His people. But because I try to leave no doubt with my words, actions and life I feel like I am living out many commandments. I truly try to love others and put them before myself as well as take into consideration treating them how I'd want to be treated. I try to speak positively and just live a life that screams "She has God's love and just loves people." To me, leaving no doubt is meeting people and them knowing who I'm living for. It's the fact that when I die my family will have peace where I am. It's the fact that I am living for God and not leaving room for doubt in my own relationship with Him. This message of Leave No Doubt was brought to my dad at my uncle's funeral and right now God's trying to work on some ministry with it, so if you could pray for that! ;) God is so good and while it hurts that my Uncle has been gone for 9 years and has missed out on his daughters life and won't be in the pews for my wedding...I know I will see him again. I know he's no longer fighting his addiction and he is no longer chained to it. I pray that you find peace with any loss you've experienced. It is never easy to lose what we hold dear to our hearts, especially without a goodbye. I pray that you let God crack your anger like I did today on my drive while. I pray that you cry it out and literally throw your cares upon Him, because He wants to take care of you, you're His child. I thank You Lord for the good and bad, taking people and giving us lives to be enriched by. Let it be.

Day 6 and I'm angry

Today I woke up without an appetite and was on the go so I didn't really pay much attention to being hungry. But then it creeped up on me and totally knocked me off my feet. My head was pounding and I just felt so mad? Why am I mad?
Then I got to go and visit one of my dearest, oldest and best friends which was amazing because I had not been out to her house yet! I was highly entertained by her hubby being a good ole "hillbilly" as she says. It was a great time of catching up and just really being able to distress with people who know my heart and where I want to be in life. The support I felt was great! So for that time being I wasn't really paying attention to my want for cinnamon rolls and chocolate. ALSO before judging me for not being able to go a week and not turn into godzilla when I don't have carbs and chocolate...I have PMS...what a lovely time to choose to do this!!! This is my most vulnerable time and also my most emotional.
Then of course of all weekends and times drama enters my life unexpectedly which results in me becoming more angry for several reasons...1)my head is pounding like no other and I feel like my brain MIGHT fall out of my ears or something, 2)I am starving (first world style), 3)I have hurt and upset feelings because what's been done to me and 4)I miss my fiance.
I was being super short, grouchy and just rude to my parents and finally said ya know what I need to just go lay down. After eating some carrots and hummus (a staple to my new 7 diet) I crashed for about an hour and woke up feeling a bit better. Before I passed out I was trying to think about why I was so mad that I couldn't eat what I want and then got mad because I couldn't figure out why I was so angry to begin with.
Then my LOVELY, amazing, intelligent and encouraging future husband said..."Hey you can do this, I believe in you, etc...Give it to God, give your anger to God." and I stopped myself from saying..."BUT I DON'T WHAT TO GIVE MY ANGER TO HIM, that's my anger! and that's the part of me I control!!!". Instead of saying that though, I simply admitted "But I don't even know how to give my anger to God." and it scared me because I've never been able to admit that or process what that means and how I can fix it.
God needs to be able to move through my emotions as well as my actions and words. Because quite frequently my emotions influence what I say and do. I tend to bottle up my anger and keep a hold of it and that is SO not what God has called me to do. Cast ALL your cares upon who? GOD!!! Gosh Felicia, let go of your anger and just be ready to receive the joy of the Lord.
However that's much easier said than done but it will be a process that I will have to consciously make effort towards every day in every decision and emotion. I pray that you are able to give all that you are and want to be to Him. All of our frustrations, hurts, and failures don't have to be tied to us any longer! He has overcome sin and death. I pray that you find peace, and love the way I've started to. I pray that fear will no longer hinder you in any way of your life. Lord we thank YOU for the good and bad, the angry and happy, for everything. Let it be.


Side note: I was SUPER busy this week with tests and projects etc. I apologize for skipping out on writing for so long but my week hasn't been super eventful! However something that made my week GREAT was that I got to see my EPA team/family at our reunion and that was just...SO amazing. I love those people. God is so good =]

The past few days have been trying from deciding what I want to do after school to my projects in school, to wedding planning and just life in between. It is SO hard to not let God get the blunt end of things and it's funny how I've taken my anger out on Him but never let Him take it from me. So, with that being said. I challenge you to leave your worries with Him. He HAS a plan, a beautiful plan for us. What do we have to be afraid of?
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind.2 Tim 1:7

Day 2- I'm going crazy.

It's true, day 2 and I'm already going crazy but it's not because I can't eat the foods I want. This morning when I woke up it was TOTALLY about wanting to eat something I'm not allowing myself to eat on this fast. Therefore, I had been in a grumpy mood. Then I started realizing (after reading the word) that it's not about what I get, what are others getting in this world? Then I took it a step further and applied to to much deeper things such as resources, education, aid, love, and all of the things that pretty much determine the path of a person's life.
I'm so blessed, not lucky, blessed in these manners. I have amazing resources because I have a privilege that I didn't even recognize until college and that is my white privilege. I never knew it existed until I started spending a lot more time in Urban areas or as pop culture refers to as "ghettos". I started discovering a way of life different to my own. I discovered a tough stride that most people outside of urban areas don't even know how to channel into. I discovered that I was looking through a white, traditional, conservative, lens. I didn't think about issues that didn't directly impact me. I didn't think about others. And today, just because I'm away from EPA, Jackson, KC...I got into my comfortable mindset of me, me, me.
It wasn't my hunger that made me mad today, it was my selfishness...my inabilities to....
Love my neighbors as myself.-Mark 12:31
I'm not saying every person is perfect, or deserving. But I don't see myself as deserving, I see myself as worth of grace. I see those who don't know any better or have the BEAUTIFUL blessings I've had not as less fortunate but just so much different from me. I ask myself...what can I learn from them? About myself? About them? About struggle or victory? Learning someone's story can give us a lot more compassion for them...why do we act, feel, speak, dress, and respond the way we do? Well you'd have to take time to listen to someone's story, good, bad, beautiful, ugly. All versions, not what we want to hear.
It becomes more apparent every day that I want to lose me to gain love.
I was thinking about my Aunt Angel so much last night. For those who don't know the story about my Aunt Angel...she was my spiritual go to besides God. She gave me so much advice. She helped me understand who I am. She passed away in November, after fighting a short but aggressive battle against cancer. The wonderful qualities of that woman...I could write a whole blog about her and some day when I can handle it, I may actually write an entry on her. But for now all you need to know is that she literally accepted every person who walked into her life. She hardly ever shopped anywhere but goodwill. She turned ugly things into beautiful creations that seemed so unrealistic. She was the image of a Proverbs woman and she loved people.
She has been my inspiration to give a helping hand. I may seem crazy for giving up almost all food (except 7 types), or for wanting to live in an area where hope seems to be lost, or for wanting to reach out to people who may never even respond. You may call that crazy...the world certainly does. But I call that...Faith.
I have faith that I have the potential to be greater than what I've thought about myself in the past. I have faith that God can move mountains that I can't even climb. I have faith that I have a greater purpose in this crazy, chaotic, sad, beautiful, and mysterious thing called life.
"I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace"-Aaron Shust My Hope Is in You

 I pray that hearts would be broken and they would see the tragedy right before their eyes. Lord I ask that my eyes be constantly opened to the needs of those around me. I pray and cry that my heart be broken for what breaks yours Lord. Give me your eyes, arms and hears. Let me see what you see, and experience what you feel and hear the cries that also go up to you in prayer. Let me be a broken vessel for a lost world. I thank you for the good and bad and Your forgiving grace. Let it be. 

Just Getting Started! =]

March 17, 2013
It's funny how two years ago I was completely drunk on St.Patrick's day and this year I spent it spending quality time with my fiance in preparation for a fast we are about to embark on. Let me just say that God is so good. I, so small in this world, much like that of a grain of sand still serve an amazing purpose that He is slowly revealing to me. This purpose is a gift and something I have to accept and work for. My purpose is my calling, it's His calling. 

God has never been more real to me than He has been for the past few months but even more recently the past few weeks. Not death, nor illness, nor sin can separate me from the fullness of God's love, unless I let it. But His love and grace is there and has been all along. I found myself to be much like Saul and on my own road to Damascus so to speak. I didn't kill or make fun of Christians but I spit on the name of God by my actions. I was out drinking, smoking at times, letting boys take me for granted. This was not a glorifying life for anyone. However, I still wanted to serve myself and the Lord. I learned quickly that is not possible. To die to self is to gain Christ. I had to and have to daily die to myself. 

After taking an AMAZING spring break trip to East Palo Alto (research this place, go visit, serve. you won't be disappointed.) I found myself in deep hunger and thirst for God in ways I haven't felt or experienced since leaving Bible college. I had convinced myself. I wasn't good enough. I was dirty. I was ashamed. All of these thoughts were assumptions I had made. Although views of Christianity have a bad stigma I realized that what I felt, read from the Bible and knew by praying was that GOD is love. Not what His people do in His name at all times, but HE remains faithful no matter how much we screw up. This trip sparked an interest in the Lord and a very very strong disgust with how I have personally been living. This blog isn't to crush, condemn or put down anyone. This is not a place of gossip or division. This is a way for me to reach out to my friends, family etc but also to myself. To keep me accountable on this new journey.

Tomorrow!!! 
Jayme and I will be starting the 7 fast and this first month is food and eating only 7 types of food for 4 weeks. More will be blogged about this whole thing starting tomorrow seeing as how it is day one! =] I'm hoping to be enriched and hence the html of my blog...reduce me and my want to gain what God wants for me, in efforts of making this world less dark and broken. My prayer is that I and everyone finds a love so deep that they extinguish any doubts or feeling like nothing, the cry of my heart is grow to know God more yes but His people too. I pray that my actions speak louder than my words but also match what I'm saying. I ask this in God's great name, Thank You Lord for the good and bad. Let it be!