Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 7 Heavy burden light heart?

Today I realized that because I finally admitted that I have a problem trusting God with my emotions, that I need to seriously come to terms with this problem and learn how to let go. I need to release the pain I've been bottling up for years, including something that has always made me so incredibly angry...My Uncle's death.
Today's blog won't have a lot to do with food, because honestly that's sort of boring to write about food every day and well the point is to gain God's insight and let go of my comfort in food. With letting go of my outlet of my emotions, I've been able to embrace the events I've gone through and how they've shaped me as a young woman.
My Uncle was a great man, regardless of his flaws. But like every other human, he had his sins, weaknesses and talents as well. He was down to earth, kind, GOOFY and always believed in me. The several times he lived with my family he made it a point to ALWAYS encourage my singing and my relationship with God. Little did I know while growing up, admiring this man, that he had a drug problem. Now as I'm older it is obvious to me, but because I looked at him through the eyes of a child, all I saw was an incredibly awesome adult who invested in my life the way an older brother would. He literally taught me how to swim, skip rocks on the lake and to spin a basketball on my finger. Those things seem so small but in the scheme of my life I always remember where I was and who I was with where I first learned these things every time I swim laps, touch a basketball and spend the day outdoors at the lake. When he passed away I spent so many nights just shooting hoops, angrily of course.
I guess this story does have to deal with food in a way because when he died, I quit eating for a while. I couldn't stand to eat when I felt like a part of my heart had died. But when I DID eat, I ate things that gave me comfort and thus started my ugly relationship with food. His death wasn't that of something we knew was coming or could expect and even if it had been it is still a hard concept for anyone to wrap their mind around but especially my 13 year old awkward self.
Finding out that he did drugs and ended up passing from drugs was so hard. I saw many of my peers using pain pills as recreational "fun" and couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of such a thing. I was SO angry at so many people. I was angry at my friends who did drugs, I was angry and still am at the people who were with my Uncle that night he died, and I was wrongly angry at God. My Uncle had been doing so well with getting his life as we call it "together" and making an attempt to sober up because of his daughter he was trying to be a great father for. I was so angry that he lost the fight he'd been fighting all along with substance abuse. And eventually in my life instead of seeing what had happened to him and steering clear, I sort of ventured down a similar path. While I wasn't using any drugs, I wasn't glorifying God with my life by getting drunk even when I promised time after time I wouldn't. I had separated myself from God. ME, not Him.
I did what I wanted and it got me to a lonely, dark, angry place.
Tomorrow marks 9 years that my Uncle Michael has been gone and it's been since winter break since I've last been intoxicated with alcohol and I can say I feel like I'm doing myself and my relationship with God some justice by only being intoxicated with God's love and Holy Spirit. Last year about a year ago I got a tattoo in memory for my Uncle. It has the NA symbol with a peace sign in the middle, because although I know my Uncle struggled and did things that weren't pleasing to God, he loved God and often would talk with me about Him. He also really started to pursue God more by asking my dad a lot of questions and just showing a curiosity to grow. God gave me a beautiful dream about meeting up with my Uncle in front of the gates and saying my goodbyes. After that dream I had complete peace which is why I included the peace sign. The phrase "Leave No Doubt" encompasses and pulls the tattoo together along with my Uncle's initials MTW. Leave No Doubt is my family's life phrase now. I personally have taking a liking to the deep meaning behind it. So many times as a follower of God I feel like I'm not good enough for God or His people. But because I try to leave no doubt with my words, actions and life I feel like I am living out many commandments. I truly try to love others and put them before myself as well as take into consideration treating them how I'd want to be treated. I try to speak positively and just live a life that screams "She has God's love and just loves people." To me, leaving no doubt is meeting people and them knowing who I'm living for. It's the fact that when I die my family will have peace where I am. It's the fact that I am living for God and not leaving room for doubt in my own relationship with Him. This message of Leave No Doubt was brought to my dad at my uncle's funeral and right now God's trying to work on some ministry with it, so if you could pray for that! ;) God is so good and while it hurts that my Uncle has been gone for 9 years and has missed out on his daughters life and won't be in the pews for my wedding...I know I will see him again. I know he's no longer fighting his addiction and he is no longer chained to it. I pray that you find peace with any loss you've experienced. It is never easy to lose what we hold dear to our hearts, especially without a goodbye. I pray that you let God crack your anger like I did today on my drive while. I pray that you cry it out and literally throw your cares upon Him, because He wants to take care of you, you're His child. I thank You Lord for the good and bad, taking people and giving us lives to be enriched by. Let it be.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Day 6 and I'm angry

Today I woke up without an appetite and was on the go so I didn't really pay much attention to being hungry. But then it creeped up on me and totally knocked me off my feet. My head was pounding and I just felt so mad? Why am I mad?
Then I got to go and visit one of my dearest, oldest and best friends which was amazing because I had not been out to her house yet! I was highly entertained by her hubby being a good ole "hillbilly" as she says. It was a great time of catching up and just really being able to distress with people who know my heart and where I want to be in life. The support I felt was great! So for that time being I wasn't really paying attention to my want for cinnamon rolls and chocolate. ALSO before judging me for not being able to go a week and not turn into godzilla when I don't have carbs and chocolate...I have PMS...what a lovely time to choose to do this!!! This is my most vulnerable time and also my most emotional.
Then of course of all weekends and times drama enters my life unexpectedly which results in me becoming more angry for several reasons...1)my head is pounding like no other and I feel like my brain MIGHT fall out of my ears or something, 2)I am starving (first world style), 3)I have hurt and upset feelings because what's been done to me and 4)I miss my fiance.
I was being super short, grouchy and just rude to my parents and finally said ya know what I need to just go lay down. After eating some carrots and hummus (a staple to my new 7 diet) I crashed for about an hour and woke up feeling a bit better. Before I passed out I was trying to think about why I was so mad that I couldn't eat what I want and then got mad because I couldn't figure out why I was so angry to begin with.
Then my LOVELY, amazing, intelligent and encouraging future husband said..."Hey you can do this, I believe in you, etc...Give it to God, give your anger to God." and I stopped myself from saying..."BUT I DON'T WHAT TO GIVE MY ANGER TO HIM, that's my anger! and that's the part of me I control!!!". Instead of saying that though, I simply admitted "But I don't even know how to give my anger to God." and it scared me because I've never been able to admit that or process what that means and how I can fix it.
God needs to be able to move through my emotions as well as my actions and words. Because quite frequently my emotions influence what I say and do. I tend to bottle up my anger and keep a hold of it and that is SO not what God has called me to do. Cast ALL your cares upon who? GOD!!! Gosh Felicia, let go of your anger and just be ready to receive the joy of the Lord.
However that's much easier said than done but it will be a process that I will have to consciously make effort towards every day in every decision and emotion. I pray that you are able to give all that you are and want to be to Him. All of our frustrations, hurts, and failures don't have to be tied to us any longer! He has overcome sin and death. I pray that you find peace, and love the way I've started to. I pray that fear will no longer hinder you in any way of your life. Lord we thank YOU for the good and bad, the angry and happy, for everything. Let it be.


Side note: I was SUPER busy this week with tests and projects etc. I apologize for skipping out on writing for so long but my week hasn't been super eventful! However something that made my week GREAT was that I got to see my EPA team/family at our reunion and that was just...SO amazing. I love those people. God is so good =]

The past few days have been trying from deciding what I want to do after school to my projects in school, to wedding planning and just life in between. It is SO hard to not let God get the blunt end of things and it's funny how I've taken my anger out on Him but never let Him take it from me. So, with that being said. I challenge you to leave your worries with Him. He HAS a plan, a beautiful plan for us. What do we have to be afraid of?
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind.2 Tim 1:7


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Day 2- I'm going crazy.

It's true, day 2 and I'm already going crazy but it's not because I can't eat the foods I want. This morning when I woke up it was TOTALLY about wanting to eat something I'm not allowing myself to eat on this fast. Therefore, I had been in a grumpy mood. Then I started realizing (after reading the word) that it's not about what I get, what are others getting in this world? Then I took it a step further and applied to to much deeper things such as resources, education, aid, love, and all of the things that pretty much determine the path of a person's life.
I'm so blessed, not lucky, blessed in these manners. I have amazing resources because I have a privilege that I didn't even recognize until college and that is my white privilege. I never knew it existed until I started spending a lot more time in Urban areas or as pop culture refers to as "ghettos". I started discovering a way of life different to my own. I discovered a tough stride that most people outside of urban areas don't even know how to channel into. I discovered that I was looking through a white, traditional, conservative, lens. I didn't think about issues that didn't directly impact me. I didn't think about others. And today, just because I'm away from EPA, Jackson, KC...I got into my comfortable mindset of me, me, me.
It wasn't my hunger that made me mad today, it was my selfishness...my inabilities to....
Love my neighbors as myself.-Mark 12:31
I'm not saying every person is perfect, or deserving. But I don't see myself as deserving, I see myself as worth of grace. I see those who don't know any better or have the BEAUTIFUL blessings I've had not as less fortunate but just so much different from me. I ask myself...what can I learn from them? About myself? About them? About struggle or victory? Learning someone's story can give us a lot more compassion for them...why do we act, feel, speak, dress, and respond the way we do? Well you'd have to take time to listen to someone's story, good, bad, beautiful, ugly. All versions, not what we want to hear.
It becomes more apparent every day that I want to lose me to gain love.
I was thinking about my Aunt Angel so much last night. For those who don't know the story about my Aunt Angel...she was my spiritual go to besides God. She gave me so much advice. She helped me understand who I am. She passed away in November, after fighting a short but aggressive battle against cancer. The wonderful qualities of that woman...I could write a whole blog about her and some day when I can handle it, I may actually write an entry on her. But for now all you need to know is that she literally accepted every person who walked into her life. She hardly ever shopped anywhere but goodwill. She turned ugly things into beautiful creations that seemed so unrealistic. She was the image of a Proverbs woman and she loved people.
She has been my inspiration to give a helping hand. I may seem crazy for giving up almost all food (except 7 types), or for wanting to live in an area where hope seems to be lost, or for wanting to reach out to people who may never even respond. You may call that crazy...the world certainly does. But I call that...Faith.
I have faith that I have the potential to be greater than what I've thought about myself in the past. I have faith that God can move mountains that I can't even climb. I have faith that I have a greater purpose in this crazy, chaotic, sad, beautiful, and mysterious thing called life.
"I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace"-Aaron Shust My Hope Is in You
 I pray that hearts would be broken and they would see the tragedy right before their eyes. Lord I ask that my eyes be constantly opened to the needs of those around me. I pray and cry that my heart be broken for what breaks yours Lord. Give me your eyes, arms and hears. Let me see what you see, and experience what you feel and hear the cries that also go up to you in prayer. Let me be a broken vessel for a lost world. I thank you for the good and bad and Your forgiving grace. Let it be. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Just Getting Started! =]

March 17, 2013
It's funny how two years ago I was completely drunk on St.Patrick's day and this year I spent it spending quality time with my fiance in preparation for a fast we are about to embark on. Let me just say that God is so good. I, so small in this world, much like that of a grain of sand still serve an amazing purpose that He is slowly revealing to me. This purpose is a gift and something I have to accept and work for. My purpose is my calling, it's His calling. 

God has never been more real to me than He has been for the past few months but even more recently the past few weeks. Not death, nor illness, nor sin can separate me from the fullness of God's love, unless I let it. But His love and grace is there and has been all along. I found myself to be much like Saul and on my own road to Damascus so to speak. I didn't kill or make fun of Christians but I spit on the name of God by my actions. I was out drinking, smoking at times, letting boys take me for granted. This was not a glorifying life for anyone. However, I still wanted to serve myself and the Lord. I learned quickly that is not possible. To die to self is to gain Christ. I had to and have to daily die to myself. 

After taking an AMAZING spring break trip to East Palo Alto (research this place, go visit, serve. you won't be disappointed.) I found myself in deep hunger and thirst for God in ways I haven't felt or experienced since leaving Bible college. I had convinced myself. I wasn't good enough. I was dirty. I was ashamed. All of these thoughts were assumptions I had made. Although views of Christianity have a bad stigma I realized that what I felt, read from the Bible and knew by praying was that GOD is love. Not what His people do in His name at all times, but HE remains faithful no matter how much we screw up. This trip sparked an interest in the Lord and a very very strong disgust with how I have personally been living. This blog isn't to crush, condemn or put down anyone. This is not a place of gossip or division. This is a way for me to reach out to my friends, family etc but also to myself. To keep me accountable on this new journey.

Tomorrow!!! 
Jayme and I will be starting the 7 fast and this first month is food and eating only 7 types of food for 4 weeks. More will be blogged about this whole thing starting tomorrow seeing as how it is day one! =] I'm hoping to be enriched and hence the html of my blog...reduce me and my want to gain what God wants for me, in efforts of making this world less dark and broken. My prayer is that I and everyone finds a love so deep that they extinguish any doubts or feeling like nothing, the cry of my heart is grow to know God more yes but His people too. I pray that my actions speak louder than my words but also match what I'm saying. I ask this in God's great name, Thank You Lord for the good and bad. Let it be!