What is going on...

I have been having such a strong joy in my walk with the Lord. The first month of 7 was amazing. At times I didn't follow my fast as strictly as I could have, but I plan on doing it again at least once a year so that I can constantly be grounding myself in Christ. Separating from my desires even of food was SUCH a hard task, so what will I do when He calls me to separate from my sin, flesh and earthly desires as a whole so that I can be living in the walk He has planned for me. My Lord and creator wants me to be joyful and to experience the fullness of His and my partner's love. My Lord wants me to rest in His moving peace. My Lord wants me to be healed by the soothing balm that He will place upon my heart. Because My Lord, My God, My creator is for me.

However, I have been wanting more. I want to know Him more, feel Him more and hear from Him more. It's funny because I hide so much in secret in my heart, but God sees it all. He knows my every desire, fear and flaw. Yet, HE still wants me...He wants me to accept His love and joy. He also wants me to accept His law to reach these things. This is what I've been having a hard time with. I've been asking God to help me discern His ways for different issues that I've been struggling with. I have sat back on these issues and decided I wouldn't deal with them until I HAD to...well sure enough He has placed things in my life where I now must deal with these issues and where I stand. I don't want to judge, condemn or belittle others. But I want them to know what their decisions and consequences lead them to. I keep playing the song changed by rascal flatts in my head. This song always hits my heart so hard. Especially because I am getting baptized soon. I feel SO changed. My love has changed and my heart has changed. It doesn't mean I don't struggle or have temptations but I trust the Lord with those things where I once didn't. I've also learned to trust that HE will guide me through these issues I am wishy washy on.

As I've been praying for answers I also have been upset that I don't have my spiritual mentor, my Aunt Angel, here to talk some of these moral and societal issues out. She was also SO wise and able to speak truth with love. Not even lifting it in a formal prayer I just simply sort of thought man I wish I could hear from her, I wish I could capture her wisdom on this...

So the other night God saw my desire before I knew it was an actual desire and He gave me a wonderful dream. If you don't know me, you should know that God speaks through dreams a lot to me. They make symbolic sense to me. In my dream my aunt was there prior her illness and she was basically the same Aunt as she was when she was leading at International House of Prayer. My mom and her were just hanging out and my parents house didn't have the remodel it does now, back in the day we had a pool and the huge stepping stones next to it. In my dream this is how our back yard was again. In this dream Angel (my aunt), Jayme and I were asking her HARD questions that were worth questioning and we were so distraught. She was answering and just saying how happy she was for us when all of the sudden the sky turned gray and it was about to storm. So we were still asking her questions when she said. Go get the word. Jayme and I looked at each other and were confused. My aunt said again, hurry go get the word, because it is about to storm. In the dream of course Jayme headed out into this powerful storm and had to yell the wind was so strong, he yelled to her, where is the word?! I can't find it. Angel said calmly back, it is AMIDST the stones. She put emphasis on amidst. Jayme shouted back, I cannot find it...what should I do? She then looked at me and said, you need to go help him find the word because this storm is getting  closer. So I went out and searched for maybe 30 seconds and then there was the word sitting in the middle of the stepping stones. This Bible was SO huge that it took the both of us to carry and we headed inside where the rain and storm began to violently beat up our surrounding as soon as we safely stepped inside. However, my aunt was gone as soon as I left the house to help Jayme.

This dream holds SO much symbolism to me and here is the breakdown.

• Angel being there, she's my mentor I always felt safe with her however she left when I started looking to the word for my answers, which is what I need to do. She is no longer here, I need the word because it is truth.
• The second big piece that sticks out to me is that Jayme and I as a team were asking questions trying to grow together...which is what we're doing now.
• Jayme left me to go find the word. To find God
• I had to leave my home to go be one in our search for God and we found Him and our guidance together as a team (we're getting ready to get married and become one in Christ)
• The Bible was found in the stones...stones represent barriers or things that could keep us from diving into what God is
• The storm....the storm is life. Think about it ;)

If you have any questions let me know. However, this is just a great way that God chooses to communicate with me. I just know during this storm, any storm and any stone...I HAVE to turn to the word and the truth of my creator to discover what to do.

We are starting our next seven phase tomorrow and it's seven daily pauses. Meaning we will schedule seven times a day that we stop and pray. Every other prayer will be with each other but also some praying on our own. I feel like this dream could NOT have come at a more perfect time. Good one God, you're at it again ;) 

A leader? SAY WHAT?

Tonight, one of my best, closest friends and sisters in Christ brought to my attention that she sees me as a leader. It was something I had never really though about and yet I've now heard it twice from two of the most important people in my life. Back in the fall semester I was drinking heavily. When I drank, my goal was to be drunk. It kept me from God, but also as important, it kept me from His people. I was among His people sure, but what was different from me to them? I had guilt. 
I could not just go out and party without a thought about it the next day. I always woke up thinking, my savior died so I could do this? So I could encourage my struggling, broken, aching friends to cope this way? This is NOT right...there HAS to be hope. There HAS to be more than all of this suffering.
I didn't know it then but I was already thinking of what it means to be a leader.
Webster's definition-Leader:The person who leads or commands a group, organization, or country.

No matter what your gifts or talents are, at some point in time God has or will call you to be one of His leaders, if you've accepted His gift of grace. This makes me realize no matter how much I feel like I'm not measuring up to this world or comparing myself to others (which is a sin I struggle with) God HAS plans for me to lead...lead people to love, hope, and salvation. That His people may find life through Him, His sacrifice and His love. 

1 Peter 5:2-4

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

² shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; ³ nor yet as lording it over^[a]those allotted to your charge, but ^[b]proving to be examples to the flock. ⁴ And when the ChiefShepherd appears, you will receive the unfading ^[c]crown of glory.

So many times we think of a leader as someone who has it all together, who goes above and beyond, we may think they're the people who are involved in every committee at church or in their work place. At the same time, we're forgetting about what God does behind the scenes. Although it is important to have organization, structure and discipline we often forget that it is necessary to KNOW who we're leading, in order to lead them according to what God wants. It breaks my heart when churches don't look in their own back yard and say how can I fully reach out to this community with love. It doesn't have to be a big event, or even something huge. It can be as simple as opening your doors and arms to people hurting. We need to reach people who have no hope, instead of ONLY investing in those who have found Christ. It is SUPER important to focus on encouraging and keeping our brothers and sisters in Christ accountable but we also have to expand the love of God. We cannot keep something so great to ourselves in our comfortable bubbles. I admit I have done so. The cry of my heart is that I'm continually reaching out to anyone and everyone that crosses my path. I want my legacy to be that I live out love. Hence the name of my blog, a phrase I've lived by since high school. Love is a verb. Act it out!

Less than 60 days!!!

OH MAN!!!!!!!!
I am so so soooo excited, because my wedding is in LESS than 60 days, and graduation is in 18 days! Life is getting crazy but I'm letting God take me there!
Today I had a bit of a breakdown just because of all of the end semester projects that accumulate towards the end! I'm excited that my college journey is almost over and I'm about to embark on a different path. I am so ready to be Jayme's wife and to start dreaming together towards our futures. God has big plans and He works in so many wonderous ways. I know that even when I can't see what's going on, HIS grace is enough for me to know that there's a plan =] Don't you forget that!!! Need prayer? LET ME KNOW! One of my goals is to be more helpful towards others...have a need? ASK ME!!! Seriously, I'm here to serve!!!
I pray you're having a great week so far.

ps:only a week and two days left for the first four weeks of our 7 fast and boy has it been hard, even though there have been times we've eaten what is outside of our fast, we went with our convictions and discernment and decided it's right to go an extra two days. God is faithful and knows our hearts, goals and passions. HE holds our desires in His hand. I am so excited to just keep delighting myself in the Lord.

MUCH LOVE! =]

Who am I? Who are You?

Another name for God...I am.
Think about it.
Tonight at small group this was brought up and it made me think why the emphasis on I AM...we have many religious songs that include this phrase or calling of God. What does that mean?

TO ME:I ask myself, who am I? Who are YOU, God? Who am I in Your image? I am, He says. 
Of course then I reply, You are what? Help me out here! And I FEEL like now that we are struggling/stressed in so many aspects in every situation and place I'm seeking answers, there God is saying. I am. HE is it. He's the answer and these are the ways that I see "I AM" in my life.

Exodus 3:14-God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM”; and He said, “Thus you shall say to the sons of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”

These are the questions I ask...and how God answers with I am...
I need money and provisions, I don't know how I'm going to even get groceries or be able to pay student loans back...God says I am...He is the provider.

Psalm 54:5-Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life and feel like I'm at a dead end with my degree...God says I am, I have a path for you.

Jeremiah 29:11-13-For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

Lord I am broken and I am ugly with all of my scars. I just, I'm not good enough because of my past, I don't compare to what others are...God says I am, I have made you in MY image.

Isaiah 61

Because the Lord has anointed me
To bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners;
² To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
³ To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

⁴ Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins,
They will raise up the former devastations;
And they will repair the ruined cities,
The desolations of many generations.
⁵ Strangers will stand and pasture your flocks,
And foreigners will be your farmers and your vinedressers.
⁶ But you will be called the priests of the Lord;
You will be spoken of as ministers of our God.
You will eat the wealth of nations,
And in their riches you will boast.
⁷ Instead of your shame you will have a double portion,
And instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion.
Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land,
Everlasting joy will be theirs.
⁸ For I, the Lord, love justice,
I hate robbery in the burnt offering;
And I will faithfully give them their recompense
And make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Then their offspring will be known among the nations,
And their descendants in the midst of the peoples.
All who see them will recognize them
Because they are the offspring whom the Lord has blessed.

¹⁰ I will rejoice greatly in the Lord,
My soul will exult in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up,
So the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise
To spring up before all the nations.

This verse is special to me, because this is the verse God has given to me for my life. Tonight I was reminded by the LOVELY, amazing, Godly women in my small group...I am...what does that mean when I say: I AM Felicia, I AM a child of God, I AM a bride to be, I AM a daughter and sister and friend...what does that mean? DO I speak with the confidence knowing that the GREAT I AM, made me in HIS image? Just a great way to think about it, especially while I am struggling with this fast and what I can or cannot eat. Am I putting my food and LIFE preferences before God's will? I pray that you will ask God and listen to His I am answers. Sometimes it's hard to understand what that means, but we have to seek Him and see what all He is wanting to be for us, because he's willing to be it all when He says "I AM".

Maxed Out.

So I haven't written in a week for several reasons.

1. I was super sick all week last week and a couple of days I didn't fast because I was sick and needed to eat things with substance so that I could get better. 
2. We didn't fast Saturday and Sunday because of being with family and it just being conflict of trying to balance our diet with everything going on around us and such.
3. I was sick so I did nothing besides school and sleep

Remember that anger issue I mentioned before? Well it's only gotten worse and it spiked today when I snapped at Jayme. Something I haven't done for a very long time. The looking in his eyes that screamed, I'm hurt and that he thought I was disappointed in him, was punishment enough. Yet, it was nothing compared to the personal guilt and conviction I felt later as I was sitting in my class. I couldn't concentrate because I know I had hurt his feelings and he didn't know he had hurt mine. I fail to explicitly say, hey stop hurting my feelings or I'm going to snap. That's exactly what happened today. So since I fail to let my feelings out and bottle them up, today is going to be a feelings post. Normally, mind you I try to be positive and always see the good in things but lately so much has piled up that I cannot shake this angst and anxiety. I'm not discrediting anyone's trials and troubles because quite frankly I know there are many facing things that trump what I'm going through but I'm going to be vulnerable and ask you for prayers and just to let me vent.

So it started off last week, well the recent worry started last week. To know why I deal the way I do, you'd have to know some family history. With a father who was an alcoholic during my childhood (he's been sober almost 10 years now, PRAISE God) and my mother who was diagnosed with many different psychopathology disorders, I have always been quite independent and learned how to cope. In turn from growing up a lot on my own, I tend to separate myself often when problems arise, so that I'm not a)burdening anyone, and b)it's just what I've always done, take care of myself.

I'm just going to make a list for each boring, dull, event that is overwhelming my joy at the moment...don't judge my "problems" please, because some of them probably seem quite petty. 

• Jayme's computer is broken, and mine is slightly broken...both are functional but his has a lovely crack down the screen and my fan is broken which makes the WORLD'S most annoying noise ever, and you have to hold it just right or else it makes the horrid noise.
• Jayme's car needs an estimated amount of $400 worth of work on it, because it also makes ugly noises but simply needs the updates.
• We're both unsure of what we're doing after school both working and living...(biggest stress)
• We've had hopes and visions of what we're doing and everything keeps crumbling, every single time
• We are running low on money since we've paid for a lot of our wedding decor and things in general, and rent/groceries/gas home etc. 
• The wedding, in general.....SO MUCH TO DO!!!!
• Feeling good about my body and trying to be in shape and find the motivation and time to work out.
• Being able to spend GOOD, pure, time with Jayme without us having to talk about all of the issues above
• Feeling stuck in life in general with school, crappy professors, constantly being told my efforts aren't good enough and feeling like I have a pointless degree.

Everyone says that college is like the best time of your life and quite frankly it's just been hard. I know I know, if it were easy, everyone would do it. But I have friends who work several jobs, take lots of credits and seemingly have all of their life together. ME, I'm trying to do what I can JUST to organize my chaos. I feel obligated in so many directions and had SO many dreams built up and every dream turns out to be a dead end. I feel a HUGE pull to ministry lately but I have NO idea where, when, how or anything. I know my God is bigger than all of the issues above but this is my life we're talking about here. This isn't a relationship with some guy, or just trying to figure out what classes to take. NO, this is REAL life, adult decisions that need to be made and it seems like I don't even get to make the decisions. It is like life is beating me up, making the decisions for me. I thought about it the other day and realized I have faced SO much trauma, adversity and just plain struggle. I'm a first generation college student, the first one in my ENTIRE family to go straight from high school to college and finish. My dad went back recently and got his degree but he already had a great job so it's really hard for him to relate to my college struggle. Plus praise God his work paid for his education. Me on the other hand, student loans up to my eyes and ears!!! I just feel like I've overcome so much in my life, if you read an abstract on just my lives events, things uncontrollable you probably wouldn't expect to see who I am. I am the product of a recovering alcoholic (wonderful, wise, strong) Father, a mentally "ill" (kind, deep, loving) Mother, a family full of drug addicts/criminals, and the list continues. But the only thing that separates my struggle from theirs is that I've accepted the grace of God and gift of salvation. There isn't anything I go through that I think I won't make it through this. So all in all, I have everything I need because I've made it out...I've broken statistics and family cycles. I've been able to rise above poverty and struggle. My parents are a HUGE inspiration and motivator for me to finish school and serve God. They have given up so much for me, so that I can have a better life than what they had and I am so grateful. So in my midst of being scared out of my wits because I have NO idea where my future is going...I'm going to just lay it at the cross. It's not okay to put MY worry before the Lord's will for my life and I don't want to cloud the wonderful plans He has with my own selfish desire to control and have everything I want, because sometimes what we want is not what we need. I pray that you too can find strength to rise above what seems to be disastrous in your life. I pray that Joshua 1:9 becomes your mindset, like I'm trying to make for myself. Lord I thank YOU for having the ultimate plan and knowing what's best for me. I praise YOU for giving and taking away. Let it be.