Thursday, June 19, 2014

Why I want to be like my mom.

Although I feel like I've been consumed with loneliness lately, I have so much to make me feel not alone, especially my momma! While we are both away from our husbands (dad is on a business trip, Jayme lives in Grand Rapids still) we are bonding as usual. 

Five years ago, even three years ago, I never thought my momma and I would have the relationship we do now. If anything, this last year of my life has shown me the power, grace and beauty in reconciliation. 

I am strengthened and encouraged by my mom, daily. She's the best friend I've always wanted, she treats me how she desires to be treated. She loves me unconditionally. Even though I'm her child, I know she sees me as her best friend too. I was there when she lost her best friend to cancer, I held my mom through the heavy bouts of sobbing, yelling why, and her hopelessness. I often have been the one to discover my mom cycling, to merely try to physically/mentally/emotionally pick her back up. I held her hand during flashbacks of her childhood, even though for a split second she had no recollection of who I was. I answered her questions that made no sense and helped her try to see past her hallucinations. I've been there for the med changes, mood swings and hospital stays. I've missed out on important events and times in my life and missed out on reminiscing times with my mom (prom, graduation,etc). 

But none of that compares to what my mom has overcome to get me to where I am today. None of my experiences can outshine the numerous times my mom has walked me through my dark valleys, always praying, never losing her faith in God and in me. Even when I haven't wanted to hear it (which has been a lot) she speaks the truth but she does so with love. She's watched my heart break from boys, loss of friends, loss of family, and loss of my dreams and possibly being a mom. She has held my hand literally through all of that. Laid with me on my sleepless nights. And she always encourages me to love myself for who I am. She always believes in my dreams. She always celebrates with me, even over the little things, which to her, there are no little triumphs. A triumph is just that. A victory. My mom is my hero. 

Today, I get to have some time alone wth my mom and I reflect on how far we truly have come since 2006 and I tear up with tears of joy. I no longer mourn the loss of the mom I expected to have but I am thankful for the fact that my mom is still here and on that note, coming off of some meds and making great strides. Her battle will always feel like my battle and I will always have some piece of worry because she is so dear to me. But we trust one another, we can talk about anything and more importantly she remembers our days together now, laughs more than ever, and has gotten her twinkle back. That's why even still to this day, I hope to be like my mom in a lot of ways. I hope to learn to love as deeply as she does and I hope to learn how to be meek. I will always strive to be a consistent/stern yet comforting and fun mom like she was. I have learned so much from her, that I hope I can reflect too. I know one thing is sure though, I have her free spirit. That's something I will always fight to hold onto. My mom taught me that, keep fighting. You don't have to be at the front of the race and you can even walk slower than others but always just keep going. 

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Fear.

Today, I realized something startling and gut wrenching. I fear becoming reactive. Something I shouldn't have to legitimately fear. To many this may not seem like a big deal, but that's because we mostly live in a reactive country. I can admit, I'm at fault for this too. 

-not praying as often as I should, just because and increasingly praying whenever I have problems. 
-hating a job/career path instead of changing it to go for what I'm passionate about. 
-taking medicines (that made many of my symptoms worsen) as soon as I was diagnosed with PCOS instead of having done my own research and waiting to figure it all out
-accepting being overweight/unhealthy as how I'll always be, and saying I will start over again tomorrow or when I develop another problem with my health 
-waiting until I burst to talk about my problems
-overindulgence on day dreaming, instead of making my life happen. 

You might find this to be true to yourself too, or maybe not. I believe that it is so hard to live proactively today in this year of 2014. I think my thoughts on this were buried deep inside my heart, months before I was diagnosed with pcos and the fun stuff that comes with it. I think it started before my parents and possibly before theirs (I don't know because I don't have a super in depth family history much past my grand parents). And then I look at my parents who changed that in their lives. They made changes so maybe I could learn how to be a little more proactive. To be less of a victim or competitor in life. Who should I compete with but myself. Who can I measure up to but the worst or best of myself.  And the effort my parents made to be proactive will encourage me to be even more proactive for my children and hopefully it'll continue. 

None of these thoughts clicked until three   events in my life recently. 

1)leaving a job that wasn't my passion or career of choice and moved home to work and prepare to go to school in the fall (prereqs) to be a nurse. Which means Jayme and I are apart during the week, seeing as how he agreed to keep working where we were living, to keep afloat financially and to figure out his career path. 

2)have you heard the song automatic by miranda lambert, if not go listen or look up the lyrics. She's one of my favorites and that song hit me hard. Yes I'm sitting here using technology, telling this story to you but still I am known for having an old soul and loving all things vintage or "old" as my husband calls it. I'm a fan of simple times. Even if survival was harder. 

3)I totally got into a fight with my mom, walking through the neighborhood because she was too hot while doing our work out and I took it as she just wanted the health to come to her and that she was giving up. And instead of expressing my fear rationally, which I truly never do, I over reacted. I am totally afraid for my health. And my parents. They are my best friends, aside from my husband. They have held my hand through the darkest times and rejoiced during the brightest, greatest times. 

So naturally, because I'm irritated I start to think. Probably over think but that's just what helps me to calm down. I literally have a 20 thought process. What's that you ask? 
Well I start to go with one idea and that blooms into another deep idea or issue and it just keeps going until I usually say "so yeah this makes sense because..." And guess what?
Nobody ever has a clue as to what I'm talking about, it sort of drives my husband crazy. And if he were here he'd be the person to be hearing this crazy proactive reactive conversation as he has a million times. 

Emotionally, mentally and intellectually I fully believe in order to make more money in our country, people use being reactive as a form of manipulation to get consumers to consume. I'm kind of weird and out there, I get it. But I have a hard time believing that every product ever invented was for the common good of the people. And maybe it was but it was mass produced and sold for the common dollar. Yes I am a consumer, obviously. 

But I TRY not to feed into it. I really try to steer clear from ads and looking to see what's in fashion wise, my mom will so tell you that. She's always saying' "wow, you would like that. It's a Felicia thing for sure." And I used to hate it but now as an adult, it's the greatest compliment so far. I even have to limit myself to shopping online or pinteresting because you know what, I don't want to even have the WANT to have or do something just because someone else did. 

And as I've been diving into many books lately I wonder, what is it that makes me want to escape in literature? Why do I love this so much more than television now? Why do I stay up later than I should, reading a book that may not even be that well written but has me sucked into it? For everyone else it may be different. But for me, I get to picture it how I want, MY perspective. (Why I always cringe when I start watching a movie that comes from a book) to me there is a HUGE difference between trying to connect others by finding commonalities and trying to make others conform. For me, music, tv, movies etc (mainstream anyways) has come to this point of trying to make others conform to their life, their way. Forgetting your life because what we are doing is better.

Why aren't we living our own lives? Our own movies? Writing our own songs, stories and choosing our own cast, wardrobe and path? Why have we lost the true ability to dream, believe in our dreams and when did we start scoffing at those who continue to dream and believe? 

I'm often called irrational, a dreamer, hippie, etc. Which is fine, because while society is telling me who I am supposed to be...I'm living a life I want to live and that's the best thing I can ever do to defy what standards society has set for me. 

Yes I'm married. No I am not a mother. Nor do I share a home with my husband, and we don't own a home. Yes I am out of college. No I do not have a career yet. 
Yes I am a strong, feminine, life long learning woman and no my fertility status, appearance, lack of make up and whatever  else make NO difference to the  things listed above. My worth is NOT in those labels, rather my true soul, my character and my love. Yes I'm an emotional person, I have feelings, a soul. But I also have a brain that most choose to ignore, because how dare I try to have a conversation worth remembering. How dare I try to write a chapter in my life that is unforgettable. I won't need to seek the attention and remeberance from others in my last days, because I will be more than joyful over my book, my romances and heart breaks, my loss, my triumph and all the adventures in between. The world may see me as angry but I'm more so broken for the ones who will never experience the joy in being who you are  and loving every minute of it. 

"You either like me or you don't. It took me Twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don't have that kinda time to convince somebody else."
Daniel Franzese