That Newlywed life. 353 days into it.

I honestly cannot believe that this is the first time I'm blogging about our wedding, 353 days later. Some days I still think my last name is Holland and I accidentally call Jayme my fiancé. But that's all part of the newness of being married. And yes, almost a year later and being married still feels new. A feeling I wish I could describe to others when they ask "how's married life? What's it like being married? Are things different?" Usually I'm so overwhelmed that I laugh and they automatically assume that my life hasn't changed, which is NOT the case. At first, before we faced some challenges  while being married, I joked saying it was like a birthday but it isn't. It's so much more than that. And birthdays to me now are so much more. I've learned to love, love. I've learned to appreciate time. I've learned to just stop and enjoy life. I've apologized many times to my husband for making something so important, seem so small. 

So here I am, 353 days later, remembering back on our day while looking at wedding pictures, recalling moments I had blissfully overlooked in a moment of excitement and exhaustion. The smile on everyone's face, sweaty friends and family breaking out their best dance moves and tears of pure joy. The love that was created and produced from our wedding was truly overwhelming and it had nothing to do with the amount of decorations (that I burned my hands with the glue gun and glittered my apartment carpet forever for) food, music, or color scheme, that made the Thornton-Holland wedding what it was. It was God. 

He wrote our story. He brought both Jayme and I to this earth, with rough journeys and it was Him who made sure we found each other. It was because of Christ dying that we could love and love abundantly with one another. It was because of grace that my husband can look past my many flaws and love me with patience and kindness. It was because of our parents' faith in Christ, God and the Bible that we were raised with strong morals that lined up with one another. It wasn't about us. It was about others. We wanted our wedding to be remembered for our guests leaving and feeling like they could be loved and believe in love. We wanted our friends and family to see how God has changed our lives. We wanted to be a witness that you can overcome struggle. We felt that if we held ourselves accountable to keep this in mind for our wedding, that it may set a high and strong tone for our marriage. And I'm glad we did because our first year, has been quite the experience. 

I could just tell you all of the great things we've done and places we've visited, laughs we have shared and triumphs we have rejoiced but I want to paint a picture of reality, not an illusion and no matter how married or single you are, life is not and will not ever be perfect. 

I've learned this past year, I can be very hot headed and not just because I'm Irish, German and Native American. I have an awful time with self control. I'm kind of like the beast from beauty and the beast. And there are few people who can push me to beast level but when it happens, it is not pretty. Unfortunately, I blow up at my husband more often than I would like to. And I don't mean to but I don't try as hard as I could or should, to be slow to anger and speak when I'm angry. But I am working on that, my husband means too much to me, not to. And it's not often, but words can never be taken back. 

I've also learned that what we want isn't always what we really want. Sometimes I wish I could take the easy way out and the times God has given me the chance to, I take it and I'm never happy with the end result. I believe that we have free will, I have the ability to make choices and those choices come with consequences. I think God let's us have the chance to choose what we "want" to show us that's not truly our heart's desire. For me, that was working with kids full time. I started my degree with education and switched, graduating with a BS in psychology. I got a job in a daycare/learning center and although I enjoyed my time there, it was decided by Jay and I due to jobs, schedules and dreams that we would both work towards what we felt led to do. For me, it's nursing which I'm in the process of figuring out a plan. I never thought I was smart enough until now and my husband has supported me 100%. It's not been easy to do this, it's scary and unsettling at times because I want to control every event of life but I know this is where I'm meant to be headed. 

Another thing I've learned is that we don't always get what we think we deserve. Jayme and I both have had jobs that we wanted that didn't work out, we struggled financially and it was rough. But we kept pushing through with the love and support from our family. We also were trying to have a baby, when I started to have a few unsettling health problems arise. Some of them seeming to be pregnancy symptoms, only to find out I have an endocrine disorder that mimics pregnancy symptoms and can cause high blood pressure, insulin resistance, difficulty losing weight, depression/anxiety, hair loss, severe acne, random bloating/water retention, and cysts that can burst randomly all of which I have experienced. Thankfully, I have not developed diabetes or heart problems which are also very common. I also have a higher chance of never having children, or being able to carry. Shortly after receiving this diagnosis, I thought I was pregnant and was actually about to take a test when I experienced miscarriage symptoms. Luckily, I had my mom and husband by my side, as well as, an understanding and loving mother in law who has prayed for and supported me through this totally. 

Then, we moved. For all the wrong reasons, we moved. I was battling a deep dark depression and shut myself off from the world. The only person I wanted to see was my husband. I faced many sleepless nights, and he did too. He held me many of those nights while I just sobbed in his chest. He never left my side. I was consumed with sadness and he carried me through with prayer and his joyful spirit. 

To say this past year was easy, blissful, stereotypical "newlywed", is so wrong. We experienced so much in our first year, that some couples never experience. No, we aren't perfect. We still don't have it all figured out. But we are happy. I'm happier than I have ever been, even happier than on my wedding day. And even though we have faced more struggle than not, we have made it through, with stories, scars and strength. 

We had great visits with our families, camping and road tripping. We have made so many beach trips filled with tears, laughter and kisses. We have learned how to live with little and appreciate it all. Zoo trips, tulip time, fishing and much of our time spent out doors, creating memories that no amount of money or togetherness could ever replace. I am so proud of us. I'm so proud of my husband. I can say with confidence, we are not the same people that we were on June 8th, 2013. In a lot of ways we are better, but we still need improvements/growth. 

Thank you, Jayme Howard Thornton. 

For being joy when I didn't want it, when I wanted to live in my hole of depression. 

For being a shelter and comfort on those days when I couldn't get out of bed or face the day. 

For asking me to dance with you, any where and any time. 

For living out your vows. 

For being a great tipper. 

For showing kindness to those who are not so kind. 

For leading us even though you're afraid to at times. Even if that means we miss out on things. 

For being able to have fun sober.

For cleaning the toilet. 

For buying me chocolate randomly. 

For getting me cards for every event. 

For playing with my hair. 

For asking me how I slept, every morning and kissing me on my forehead every night (yeah I notice that).  

For being my best friend, my family, my love. 

For believing in me and pushing me to go for Nursing. 

And for loving me, when I'm an angry person. 

For staying strong and living life with Christ as your all.

For praying for us when I said I couldn't find the words. 

For putting God before me and me before yourself.  

You're the one person I can't stay angry at. I just hate to. I don't like it. You're the person that makes me see the good in myself and in others. You're the person who always dreams but needs to never forget their own dreams. You're the person who would give your last dollar to someone in need. You have a heart of gold my love and a gentle, joyful spirit. I love you I love you I love you. Thank you, for gracing my life with your friendship for the past 6 years. Thank you for dating me for the past 4 years. Thank you for living out love and your vows for the past year. I know it's early, but happy anniversary My Blue Eyed Boo ;) 

All wedding photos taken by Kim Miller Anchor Photography.