Maxed Out.

So I haven't written in a week for several reasons.

1. I was super sick all week last week and a couple of days I didn't fast because I was sick and needed to eat things with substance so that I could get better. 
2. We didn't fast Saturday and Sunday because of being with family and it just being conflict of trying to balance our diet with everything going on around us and such.
3. I was sick so I did nothing besides school and sleep

Remember that anger issue I mentioned before? Well it's only gotten worse and it spiked today when I snapped at Jayme. Something I haven't done for a very long time. The looking in his eyes that screamed, I'm hurt and that he thought I was disappointed in him, was punishment enough. Yet, it was nothing compared to the personal guilt and conviction I felt later as I was sitting in my class. I couldn't concentrate because I know I had hurt his feelings and he didn't know he had hurt mine. I fail to explicitly say, hey stop hurting my feelings or I'm going to snap. That's exactly what happened today. So since I fail to let my feelings out and bottle them up, today is going to be a feelings post. Normally, mind you I try to be positive and always see the good in things but lately so much has piled up that I cannot shake this angst and anxiety. I'm not discrediting anyone's trials and troubles because quite frankly I know there are many facing things that trump what I'm going through but I'm going to be vulnerable and ask you for prayers and just to let me vent.

So it started off last week, well the recent worry started last week. To know why I deal the way I do, you'd have to know some family history. With a father who was an alcoholic during my childhood (he's been sober almost 10 years now, PRAISE God) and my mother who was diagnosed with many different psychopathology disorders, I have always been quite independent and learned how to cope. In turn from growing up a lot on my own, I tend to separate myself often when problems arise, so that I'm not a)burdening anyone, and b)it's just what I've always done, take care of myself.

I'm just going to make a list for each boring, dull, event that is overwhelming my joy at the moment...don't judge my "problems" please, because some of them probably seem quite petty. 

• Jayme's computer is broken, and mine is slightly broken...both are functional but his has a lovely crack down the screen and my fan is broken which makes the WORLD'S most annoying noise ever, and you have to hold it just right or else it makes the horrid noise.
• Jayme's car needs an estimated amount of $400 worth of work on it, because it also makes ugly noises but simply needs the updates.
• We're both unsure of what we're doing after school both working and living...(biggest stress)
• We've had hopes and visions of what we're doing and everything keeps crumbling, every single time
• We are running low on money since we've paid for a lot of our wedding decor and things in general, and rent/groceries/gas home etc. 
• The wedding, in general.....SO MUCH TO DO!!!!
• Feeling good about my body and trying to be in shape and find the motivation and time to work out.
• Being able to spend GOOD, pure, time with Jayme without us having to talk about all of the issues above
• Feeling stuck in life in general with school, crappy professors, constantly being told my efforts aren't good enough and feeling like I have a pointless degree.

Everyone says that college is like the best time of your life and quite frankly it's just been hard. I know I know, if it were easy, everyone would do it. But I have friends who work several jobs, take lots of credits and seemingly have all of their life together. ME, I'm trying to do what I can JUST to organize my chaos. I feel obligated in so many directions and had SO many dreams built up and every dream turns out to be a dead end. I feel a HUGE pull to ministry lately but I have NO idea where, when, how or anything. I know my God is bigger than all of the issues above but this is my life we're talking about here. This isn't a relationship with some guy, or just trying to figure out what classes to take. NO, this is REAL life, adult decisions that need to be made and it seems like I don't even get to make the decisions. It is like life is beating me up, making the decisions for me. I thought about it the other day and realized I have faced SO much trauma, adversity and just plain struggle. I'm a first generation college student, the first one in my ENTIRE family to go straight from high school to college and finish. My dad went back recently and got his degree but he already had a great job so it's really hard for him to relate to my college struggle. Plus praise God his work paid for his education. Me on the other hand, student loans up to my eyes and ears!!! I just feel like I've overcome so much in my life, if you read an abstract on just my lives events, things uncontrollable you probably wouldn't expect to see who I am. I am the product of a recovering alcoholic (wonderful, wise, strong) Father, a mentally "ill" (kind, deep, loving) Mother, a family full of drug addicts/criminals, and the list continues. But the only thing that separates my struggle from theirs is that I've accepted the grace of God and gift of salvation. There isn't anything I go through that I think I won't make it through this. So all in all, I have everything I need because I've made it out...I've broken statistics and family cycles. I've been able to rise above poverty and struggle. My parents are a HUGE inspiration and motivator for me to finish school and serve God. They have given up so much for me, so that I can have a better life than what they had and I am so grateful. So in my midst of being scared out of my wits because I have NO idea where my future is going...I'm going to just lay it at the cross. It's not okay to put MY worry before the Lord's will for my life and I don't want to cloud the wonderful plans He has with my own selfish desire to control and have everything I want, because sometimes what we want is not what we need. I pray that you too can find strength to rise above what seems to be disastrous in your life. I pray that Joshua 1:9 becomes your mindset, like I'm trying to make for myself. Lord I thank YOU for having the ultimate plan and knowing what's best for me. I praise YOU for giving and taking away. Let it be.