Reconciliation, Restore, Regain

For many people they take on the mantra "Forgive but never forget!" in a negative manner.

They are so deeply wounded by something that they grow bitter, angry, and even develop a grudge towards whomever hurt them, and anyone who associated themselves with that person. 

And, guess what?

That was me.

It hurts, that at one point in time, I was such an ugly person. I never thought I was, but when I sit back and examine my behaviors and attitude from the last 5-6 years, I find that I was selfish. I didn't love as I do now. I didn't know how.

You see, I hadn't truly accepted a love from God, which I knew for me was the only way I would know what love was. To love my Creator, myself exactly how I was. To love myself enough that I wouldn't pick apart my own image, or scoff at others. You see, even now today I can't even bring myself to laugh at things like "People of Wal-mart" or anything of the sort. It hurts me so deeply that grown adults think it is funny to belittle others and crush them in spirit, because what...it benefits us?

-humor

-self-esteem

-putting down others to gain power

Just a few reasons, of why I did this. And it wasn't that I was attacking strangers I had never met, but I literally would break down in MY mind, people that hurt me. People I once loved so much (still do). People I missed (also, still do).

I always thought I was a good friend through high school and college and I look back to see that I wasn't that great then, and am a COMPLETELY different person now. However, I think the person and friend I am today, is so much better than who I used to be. I talked about love earlier, remember? Well...we all have a first love experience, whether it's good/bad, beautiful/ugly, something you want to remember or something you want to forget, forever or short lived...we have it. I do anyways.

I am so blessed with having a husband who never experienced love before me. Because, of this he loves much more than I let myself at times, and he wasn't as afraid of being hurt as I was. Although, I have made peace with that situation, it still stings at times and looking back on that experience, I realized it molded me in so many ways that I thought I could not control at the time. I let it leak into my friendships, because "if you hurt me, I will build a wall and block everyone out." I wasn't a good friend, I wasn't even the best company to be around. I was so so so terrified of being hurt by anyone, because I was so fragile, that I pushed anything and everything that mattered to me, away. I even tried to push Jayme away (we had JUST started dating at the time) but he fought for us, for me. I was so weak, so tired and so confused. I knew I was growing up and moving away to college, which scared me as well so I withdrew even more. I could NEVER explain this to those I hurt back then and may still be hurting now. I am so sorry.

I took on the song "Second chance" by Shinedown as my inspiration  because it depicted everything I felt. I needed to get away from my past...which was not pretty. I was so ashamed of the life I had been living, partying, being around drugs, being in situations I KNEW I didn't want to be in. And when my one (best) friend, who was honest and true with me said "Why are you doing this? You're better than this!" I. Shut. Down. I mean I was done. I pushed her out.

I wanted to be irresponsible and just run wild like others had done with my heart. I didn't want to have to take care of my mom any more and be stressed by that situation. I didn't want to keep up with my commitments. I wanted to be young and stupid, as people say. I wanted to drink an unhealthy amount, I wanted to be drunk. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to disappear. And that is why I couldn't be a good friend. I wasn't even a good Felicia. I think that subconsciously I knew I was bringing down others with me and for that reason, I felt I had to let them go. I was emotional, on edge, paranoid and lost. I continued to party and get myself sucked into a depression hole. I had forgotten about the joy of my salvation. 

However, God is great. He reconciles, gives me peace and fixes all those things that I think are beyond repair. He sure did remold me. I mean, He had to let me get knocked off the table and crack into a bunch of pieces, but He scooped up all those pieces, dusted them off and saw their infinite worth. He didn't glue me back together and try to patch up my problem areas, no, He completely broke me to the bottom...

I lost all of my friends for the most part from high school because of conflict that I refused to resolve as an adult and instead just tried to delete it from my life, resulting in many burned bridges and heart wounds that I'm still praying will be reconciled. Still asking for forgiveness and trying to mull over.

I lost my dignity at times, feeling worthless because of how I let myself be treated.

I lost my hope, and let the world over rule my emotions, desires and goals.

I lost...I lost...I lost...the list could seriously go on.

This time of year is always hard for me, because this was the time of year that I lost all of those things...

I still have dreams of all those friends, I still pray for them and hope they're living the lives I know they deserve and talked with me about. I pray they find love. I pray they find it in their hearts to forgive me.

I wake up from those dreams hopeful, missing them so badly with an ache that I didn't know I could have for people, that I haven't had a legit conversation with, in almost 4 years.

I sometimes wake up feeling empty...like pieces of my heart have gone away with those friendships, and long to have them back only because I want those people there in my life. They enriched my life, I loved them. I had faith in their hopes and dreams...I walked with them through tough journeys. We had strong soul ties.

However, I no longer feel guilty. I can't. Yes, I have a lot to apologize for if I have time to do that with them. Which I hope and pray I do. BUT, I would NEVER want to apologize (or receive an apology) purely out of guilt. I want to give my apology in terms of truly being sorry, remorseful and saddened at my behaviors and how I've hurt others. Although, I don't see these opportunities coming about any time soon, I have a God who thinks, knows and dreams bigger than I even can. I will earnestly pray for the day that I get to see reconciliation between these important bridges that I've long ago burned, torn down and ruined. I am living proof it can happen, between me and God. 

"Throw it away, forget yesterday. We'll make the great escape!"