I just want to do more...

For years I thought I was meant to be a teacher. I was positive it was my calling. I had my heart set on teaching. But after seeing a lot of what happens behind the scenes in the education world, I lost that zest, passion and desire to teach. I felt that I was more of a babysitter than really a student that volunteered to help students learn. I really found that once I was in, I wasn't really as passionate about the work, as I thought. And even now, I realize there's a reason I felt the need to bow out of education and pursue a degree in psychology. 

No, I do not want to pursue my masters or phd in psych. I don't have a strong desire or wish to be a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. However, I have a need/desire to help others but I want to make a career out of it. I know there are people who are making a career out of what I am currently doing, but that is NOT my desire. I love kids, yes but I'm not sure my purpose in life is to work with kids full time in my position now. Some people don't believe they have a purpose but I do, firmly. And right now, I don't feel I'm fulfilling that purpose. 

If you know my story, then you know according to doctors I'm not meant to be here. My mom wasn't supposed to conceive any children after my sister and she sure wasn't trying when she found out at 6 months she was pregnant with me. And although so many impossible a were thrown at my mother and my future, I'm here. Healthy. Alive. Capable of doing more. I want to make a huge difference in this world. Growing up my mom was a CMA. I loved going to work with her and my dream was to work in pediatrics. However, as I got older and I struggled more with math and wasn't encouraged to keep interested in science (even though I've always LOVED science), I started to believe I wasn't smart enough for anything medical. 

I settled for accepting that I wasn't good enough. As I'm getting older, and have worked with kids more and more over the years I realize I want more. I am by NO means selling anyone short that works with kids. It is HARD work. It takes patience and compassion. It takes determination and routine/structure. It takes discipline and passion. For me, I lack that passion, I lack the patience. And I've lacked the confidence for far too long, to do what I truly want to do. When I first started college my dad and I were having an in depth discussion about my future. Of course, 18 year old me had NO idea what I wanted to do. My dad suggested nursing and I thought yeah I could do that. But then doubt crept in and I told myself I was too stupid. Bad experiences with school/teachers flooded my mind and I wouldn't even consider it an option because I felt so truly dumb. But I love the atmosphere when I'm around anything medical. I'm fascinated with science and technology. Obviously with psych we used stats, research etc. I've found something I truly want to do at a relatively young age.  And even now many people I know STILL don't truly know "what they want to be when they grow up." It's not uncommon. And now they say people have as many as 2-4 different careers if not more in their life. I feel like I've come a long way since 18 when I don't think many people actually know what they want to do. What their purpose is. 

Life happens. Plans change. I'm free spirited and easy going so for me it's not as scary or hard. I like to change. I hate hate hate growing stagnant. I refuse to do it. And that's why I want to continue my education. I want to grow as a person professionally, intellectually and personally. I want to challenge myself to overcome my low self esteem and believe in myself. I want to start a journey that will lead to a stable career. Who knows maybe after years of nursing I could do something medical with missions. I see myself growing so much in this type of field. I have the drive NOW. I tried the working with kids thing and it hasn't been the right thing for me yet. And I'm not going to look at that as failure but that I'm trying something, gaining some sort of experience in efforts of working towards my ultimate goal. I want to do more.