There are sweet secret places of the most high, however, this is not so much. This is a secret lonely world, that I have locked myself into because of a label. And I have always tried so hard to steer clear of labels, until this one. If you've read my blog you've probably come across a blog or two that talks about my journey with PCOS. Seeing as how there is no current "cure" I see it as a long and winding road, with mountains and valleys. With triumphs and despair. This is MY journey and my journey wouldn't be complete without some very important people. Some I just met for the first time today.
Today, I met an 81 year old who had the joy of The Lord unlike anything I ever felt, heard or saw with my own eyes. She was so beautiful, captivating and had so many stories behind her beautifully aged eyes. Stories of love and joy. Stories of sadness and pain. Stories of how great OUR God is. Today what blessed her heart the most was when we took a vow to marry Jesus. To uphold a covenant with Him and God as we do our earthly beloveds. She says "I thought I had truly given myself to Him and to God's ministry but I never really vowed to Him in that way and it was so beautiful."
Today I was one of many women that married Jesus. They prayed with and for me, and didn't even know me. They took my struggle as their own. I truly felt for the first time in a while that I had sisters abundant in Christ. It was so so so cool because I was one of the youngest women there. I used to fear old age, wrinkles and illness. I used to fear judgement from a generation I happened to be in awe of. And today those comfort zones and fears were broken. Yes, we talked about God's love. But we also spoke about THEIR life. THEIR beautiful stories. That without their age, I probably would not have heard for lack of experience. I spoke with women who took my burden of infertility and turned it into joy, hope and light. I was truly blessed and still am warmed with love and light.
Coming home tonight to tell my husband. He was so excited. He is excited for the call on our life to simply serve others with love and peace. He was thrilled to see a joy in my eyes again, a fire. I LET a label rob me of that for months and although this may seem redundant, when walking a journey that is tough (and let's face it, we don't have perfect lives so we all face trials) it is so good to have a constant reminder of progress, and slacking. Accountability. Goals. Triumph. Tonight as I asked my husband's honest opinion and advice after sulking, I got this...
So today, I married Jesus. I had heard of this before and thought selfishly "that's for Christian woman who are physically alone, widowed, single, etc..why would He want me?" It wasn't until I saw the raw emotion of my Mom's spiritual Mother and as I consider a spiritual Grandmother, the coping and mourning of her husband (the man who lead my father to Christ and helped him through sobriety) that God wants ME. God wants my husband. God wants us. And He wants us to choose Him because He has already chosen us. To see Linda, break before my eyes and say not even a day after her husband died back in 2008, she vowed to move forward and marry Jesus, broke me. He wanted me to say, "I need you, PCOS or not...I sin, I hurt, I need love and I need you." So...I did. I'm a firm believer for my relationship with God, I have to deepen it constantly. If that means I am constantly renewing my heart daily, then so be it. If that means every morning I devote my life to God and showing His people His love, then so be it.
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