Today I realized that because I finally admitted that I have a problem trusting God with my emotions, that I need to seriously come to terms with this problem and learn how to let go. I need to release the pain I've been bottling up for years, including something that has always made me so incredibly angry...My Uncle's death.
Today's blog won't have a lot to do with food, because honestly that's sort of boring to write about food every day and well the point is to gain God's insight and let go of my comfort in food. With letting go of my outlet of my emotions, I've been able to embrace the events I've gone through and how they've shaped me as a young woman.
My Uncle was a great man, regardless of his flaws. But like every other human, he had his sins, weaknesses and talents as well. He was down to earth, kind, GOOFY and always believed in me. The several times he lived with my family he made it a point to ALWAYS encourage my singing and my relationship with God. Little did I know while growing up, admiring this man, that he had a drug problem. Now as I'm older it is obvious to me, but because I looked at him through the eyes of a child, all I saw was an incredibly awesome adult who invested in my life the way an older brother would. He literally taught me how to swim, skip rocks on the lake and to spin a basketball on my finger. Those things seem so small but in the scheme of my life I always remember where I was and who I was with where I first learned these things every time I swim laps, touch a basketball and spend the day outdoors at the lake. When he passed away I spent so many nights just shooting hoops, angrily of course.
I guess this story does have to deal with food in a way because when he died, I quit eating for a while. I couldn't stand to eat when I felt like a part of my heart had died. But when I DID eat, I ate things that gave me comfort and thus started my ugly relationship with food. His death wasn't that of something we knew was coming or could expect and even if it had been it is still a hard concept for anyone to wrap their mind around but especially my 13 year old awkward self.
Finding out that he did drugs and ended up passing from drugs was so hard. I saw many of my peers using pain pills as recreational "fun" and couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of such a thing. I was SO angry at so many people. I was angry at my friends who did drugs, I was angry and still am at the people who were with my Uncle that night he died, and I was wrongly angry at God. My Uncle had been doing so well with getting his life as we call it "together" and making an attempt to sober up because of his daughter he was trying to be a great father for. I was so angry that he lost the fight he'd been fighting all along with substance abuse. And eventually in my life instead of seeing what had happened to him and steering clear, I sort of ventured down a similar path. While I wasn't using any drugs, I wasn't glorifying God with my life by getting drunk even when I promised time after time I wouldn't. I had separated myself from God. ME, not Him.
I did what I wanted and it got me to a lonely, dark, angry place.
Tomorrow marks 9 years that my Uncle Michael has been gone and it's been since winter break since I've last been intoxicated with alcohol and I can say I feel like I'm doing myself and my relationship with God some justice by only being intoxicated with God's love and Holy Spirit. Last year about a year ago I got a tattoo in memory for my Uncle. It has the NA symbol with a peace sign in the middle, because although I know my Uncle struggled and did things that weren't pleasing to God, he loved God and often would talk with me about Him. He also really started to pursue God more by asking my dad a lot of questions and just showing a curiosity to grow. God gave me a beautiful dream about meeting up with my Uncle in front of the gates and saying my goodbyes. After that dream I had complete peace which is why I included the peace sign. The phrase "Leave No Doubt" encompasses and pulls the tattoo together along with my Uncle's initials MTW. Leave No Doubt is my family's life phrase now. I personally have taking a liking to the deep meaning behind it. So many times as a follower of God I feel like I'm not good enough for God or His people. But because I try to leave no doubt with my words, actions and life I feel like I am living out many commandments. I truly try to love others and put them before myself as well as take into consideration treating them how I'd want to be treated. I try to speak positively and just live a life that screams "She has God's love and just loves people." To me, leaving no doubt is meeting people and them knowing who I'm living for. It's the fact that when I die my family will have peace where I am. It's the fact that I am living for God and not leaving room for doubt in my own relationship with Him. This message of Leave No Doubt was brought to my dad at my uncle's funeral and right now God's trying to work on some ministry with it, so if you could pray for that! ;) God is so good and while it hurts that my Uncle has been gone for 9 years and has missed out on his daughters life and won't be in the pews for my wedding...I know I will see him again. I know he's no longer fighting his addiction and he is no longer chained to it. I pray that you find peace with any loss you've experienced. It is never easy to lose what we hold dear to our hearts, especially without a goodbye. I pray that you let God crack your anger like I did today on my drive while. I pray that you cry it out and literally throw your cares upon Him, because He wants to take care of you, you're His child. I thank You Lord for the good and bad, taking people and giving us lives to be enriched by. Let it be.
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