Satisfaction

I know this is not my word for the year but humility has something to do with my investment in the word satisfaction. I know that writing is often looked at as a way to whine about how one feels, but I also think it's a gift because I know many people that find it very difficult to relay what they're feeling through pen and paper or laptop key board. My husband being one of those people who doesn't like to write but still appreciates the art, tries very hard to write things down to show his affection for me, because he knows it means that much more to me than just simply saying things all the time. That right there is a PURE example of humility and love. He puts his interests aside so that I can be not only happy but feel cherished. 

Humility is about putting others before yourself, which I often try to do. I also try to speak up and talk about my feelings because that's how I was raised. However, growing up in a home where my father was an alcoholic for the first half of my life and my mother has fought anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar disorder my whole life but mostly the last half of my life, writing became my means of staying alive, literally. Many people, most people in my life know what I've been through, but they don't know how I actually have let it impact me through out my entire life. I'm not writing this entry to play the victim or ask for pity. But I'm a firm believer in humans sharing our stories so that we can have compassion for one another. So that maybe in a world so chaotic and dark, a time when we are losing our faith in humanity...our humility, vulnerability and honesty could change the world, one story at a time. As a girl who always has worn a smile in front of others and held everything in, for more than just saving face, people often assume that I have a perfect life or I'm strong so I can handle the hits, or that I think I'm better or more important than other people. Which is quite the opposite of what I am, or how I see myself. I'm no saint, and I'm not better than anyone else...I just try to be better than I was the day before.Already my word for the year is being tried...I constantly feel like I'm not good enough for both of my families, my relationship with God, my husband and most importantly myself. Loving myself has ALWAYS been a challenge. My history of self hatred and insecurity goes way back, as does most of our stories.....

 I didn't have a father who taught me what true beauty was or how to be comfortable with who I am and we've hashed out the hurt but the wound still exists.In school I was bullied...getting spit on in the face, pushed into lockers constantly, having people always make jokes about my weight when I was just going through puberty/PCOS, being made fun of because my clothes came from walmart (all we could afford) and even having people post pictures of me on myspace with the words "who let the cows out?" yeah...it sticks with you. Those thoughts constantly have bullied me far much longer than the actual bullying happened...but that's what people don't realize. My dad constantly told me to "get over it", "let it roll off your back" or "well maybe you should exercise, can't be mad at them for kinda telling the truth."...and even if he did try to fight for me, the school did nothing and said "It's out of our hands..." even when a student continually spat in my face for two years. That reminder was there...you're not enough to be treated better or to be fought for. Fortunately today my dad constantly reminds me of my importance and it wasn't easy to get to the wonderful relationship we have now, it was an ugly but beautiful process. It was messy, mostly anything including humans will get messy because we aren't perfect. Fact of the matter is, I had to become humble with my father because he didn't have a father. The men that were in his life took him to crack houses, beat people-women and men, and drank and drove with my father in the car. My dad did not know any better but I can say with utmost pride he has never done drugs around me or even thought about taking me somewhere to do them while I was with him, he never has hit me or anyone in front of me, he never drank and drove while I was in the car. Yes my dad has a past like most...but he did not ever DO these things IN FRONT of me...he never involved me...he wanted more for me, but just didn't know how to fight for me. Now he stands firm behind me, and although because we have the same personality, we clash at times...at the end of the day he always apologizes and wants to make things better. He is constantly dreaming with me and telling me I can do things that I think are impossible. He believes in me. That's humility. I finally feel like my daddy's princess...even if I am 23 years old. I tear up just thinking about how cherished I am by my father. 

With my mom I felt like I was good enough most of my life, except the fact that I couldn't understand why she was sad all the time and if she was so happy with us why wouldn't she just be happy all of the time. Of course I was young that it didn't make sense to me. Now as I go through depression, I totally get it. When I went to high school my mom's stability took a turn for the worse and she began her journey to recover from a past of poverty, 9 years of abuse-physically, sexually, emotionally etc. as a child and abandonment. She also has dealt with many tragic deaths in her life including a kid napping/murder of a friend's child and she cared for and lost her best friend of 30 years to lung cancer last year. My relationship with my mom was always great until she had her breakdown while I was in high school. Because of a lot of symptoms of her bipolar disorder and meds, she was very disconnected from me, from life and herself. There are years my mom can't even remember of important events and just simple times together of happiness. There were fights she doesn't remember and words that were said that could never be taken back that she's apologized for, but doesn't even know what was said. To me, that is humility. She apologized for something she doesn't even have the capability of remembering let alone thinking she actually did it. It took a really long time for me to see how much she loves me. It's hard to believe you're enough when your mom continually hurts herself or tries to kill herself...in my teenager mind her actions translated to "You're not enough for me to stay alive.". Of course I couldn't understand what she was going through because I didn't want to, I wanted a "normal" happy life. I didn't want perfect, I wanted stable. And although my mom has a hard time rememebering my entire senior year of high school, she went entirely through my wedding without her anxiety meds and she was involved and stayed calm. She remembers my wedding, she walked me down the aisle and she is my prayer warrior. I call her job because she's been through so much but she relentlessly praises God. She is Job to me, in my phone I have her listed as MommyJob. She will always be the most humble person I know. I'm so proud of how far she's come. Especially lately. 

So with my home life and being bullied for being poor and overweight, I had no reason to believe I was worth it, except my relationship with God. It wasn't until my Aunt Angel told me that God loves me more than I can imagine that all I had to do was accept His love, that I felt worth it. Hurting myself didn't bring me that peace at all, and neither did believing the lies of the kids at school who were probably hurting just as much as I was, and partying later on certainly did not bring me peace. I begged my mom to homeschool me or let me homeschool myself but she wouldn't. She said that school needed me, because there wasn't much of God's light there. She was right...I cried almost every night when I got home from school and before I left for school but then I just started praying for those people and it got better. I could finally breathe again. But those wounds will forever mark my heart with a big big scar. Including the hurt from young men that were not very loving to me, so I truly had no idea about love.

Now I find myself being insecure with my husband, and it isn't because of anything he's done, but because of what I've been through. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to be humble about and that is to take my past and put it behind me and my husband...to move on. I need to be able to lay down my pain and trust issues to see that my husband truly loves me and isn't going anywhere. I asked him the other day how he puts up with such an emotional pain in the butt and he gets firm but loving with me and says "You're not any kind of pain to me." His humility makes me want to give everything to him. His love makes me feel better about myself than I ever have, and it's not that HE makes me feel that way but it's the love, the proof. It's his words and his look. It's his commitment in every little thing he does. Right now we have to be selfish with one another and build a strong foundation but I don't think that's wrong. I feel like in order for marriage to be successful there has to be a strong foundation of humility, trust, vulnerability and love. It's about two people making ONE life fit...TWO pasts, ONE future...that is SO incredibly hard. It's about two families and leaving those families as it says in Genesis to become ONE. Although we are becoming one, we've not forgotten our identities and interests, instead we involve one another in them. Jayme goes to musicals with me and I watch more sports...that kind of thing. And we've both learned with an open mind that we don't mind what the other loves...we've learned to become passionate about one another's hobbies. Marriage is such a beautiful gift and as I get older I find out that more things in life, more situations, more people make me more humble because of how they love with everything they've got. 

I try so hard every day to play mediator in everything, it's kind of always been that position for me in life. People have always brought their problems to me, or blamed me for them. I'm that person...and it's okay. I've long ago accepted that many people won't like me....and it's okay because I'm not looking to be liked but I do long to be loved. I long to have acceptance from my immediate family/inlaws, friends, and sometimes even people at church. I'm looking for love and acceptance from people that I give unwillingly my love to...my Sister tells me I love so strongly and that because I do when others don't give that love in return I get offended or hurt. She's right...I begin to feel like I'm not good enough for their love, like I need to earn it. But I've realized those same people who I try and fail so badly for...are the same people who always tell me how strong I am, but never ask if I'm okay. I haven't quite figured out why they never ask, but I think it's because they've made me their strong person. I literally can't remember the last time someone besides my parents or husband asked me out of the blue if I'm okay, or how I'm feeling. These realizations help me to see that I need to remain humble and be that strength but to remember not everyone knows how to love as strong as I do. Not everyone has lived a life where at times, love is truly all you have. This could be the most important lesson of humility I learn. Instead of  being bitter about being a strong person to these people, I should see it as an honor and gift. That they trust me enough to talk about how they feel, and to share that part of who they are with me. And I look forward to continually learning and hearing the stories of others. 

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary,And to him who lacks might He increases power.