Running

We have never had a great relationship between my asthma, loose ligaments in my ankles, high blood pressure and slight heart murmur. I have never had a good "chance" at a healthy running relationship...

However, I let that remain an excuse to not try for a very long time. Mostly out of fear. You'll find out quick when it comes to working out, I get afraid. Here are my three reasons why. 

1)I have had numerous severe sprains in my ankles, which I wish I would've just broken my ankle. My left ankle is STILL swollen from a running accident back in 2011. And I was told I will more than likely, always have swelling. It sucks. 

2)I went on a health kick when I started going to GVSU since they have a nice facility and it was included in my tuition. But when I really started to get on a kick of working out and running, I happened to catch mono. I had three cycles of it before it disappeared. I pray it stays gone. I had a swollen spleen for a long time which left me unable to workout. Also just FYI my last cycle of mono occurred just a month and a half before my severe sprain of 2011. 

3)I'm afraid of what other people think of me.

And we can lecture about number 3 all we want but in order to overcome that fear, you have to face it. And that's EXACTLY what I've been doing. And that's the reason I get anxious every day before I walk into the gym. But today I left proud. I walked around the gym with my head held high because I beat my personal record for a mile. And I unfortunately found myself worrying that people would think "why is she proud of that time?" "Why should we care?" "Oh, you ran it on an elliptical psh". But you know what, I made a big deal about it anyways. Because to me I beat a lot more than a personal record for a mile time. I beat intimidation and shame of myself. I beat the thought that I cannot do this, I'm too fat, I have high bp etc etc. Any of the other junk that floods my mind and I'm sure some of you. I was so proud I went and bought a new wine to try with my dinner (salmon, baked sweet potato and salad). I rewarded myself with a HEALTHY meal. I've NEVER done that. 

So yes, it started with some tears in the middle of the grocery store from seeing all the cute babies and pregnant women. It took anger. Frustration. Pain. And defeat for me to overcome many fears. Today I walked into the gym afraid to run the mile (long time fear, even before I was overweight) and I practically skipped out of the gym with pride, joy and confidence. 

For anyone who is trying to lose weight, stop!!!!! Please. Let your focus be so much MORE than a number. Be healthy and that will come with it. If we focus more on what we do to our bodies and what we put in them, we will be healthier all around and eventually the weight will come off. Make it permanent. Make changes. Over come YOUR fears and believe in YOU. 

Best feeling in the world, sweat pouring down my face, no make up, legs feeling like jello. I don't come to the gym to look pretty, I come to the gym to work hard and it's my hope that when I leave I will look like I worked hard. 

People

People are so important to me, almost at times too important. I have to remind myself that we are all human and none of us should be placed on a pedestal because that will only lead to heartache. Not to mention, it can lead me to put people before God. 

With that being said, most of my favorite people live far away from me, with the exception of my husband. So whenever I see these people, my camera is out the whole time, snapping shots between laughter and hugs! I'm so incredibly thankful for the past weekend and the beautiful people that filled it! 

 

I only wish that they could all see themselves the way I do. With utmost admiration and love. With a forgiving eye and graceful embrace. 

MTW:Leave No Doubt

Happy birthday Uncle Michael. 

Today you'd be 39, and I would probably be calling you an old fart or something like that, which would more than likely result in a wrestling match. 

Today you'd be able to teach your daughter things like you taught me. I'll never forget that you taught me how to swim, skip rocks on the water and spin a basketball on my finger. 

Today you'd probably still be telling all of us nieces and nephews that you used to spit in the cereal when you worked at the factory.  Oh, and you'd probably still try to convince me that dog treats are cookies haha, thanks for that. 

Today you and I would probably still have our infamous "dog fighting" matches. I'd still choose to be a small dog first. Then you'd choose to be a pit and that would lead me to say "Fine! I'm all the dogs in the world, strongest, scariest ones!"  Then you'd let me win a wrestling match. And encourage me to keep singing and never give up on anything. No matter how scary it is. 

Today you would still be the big ole teddy bear that I remember you to be. The one who never took enough care of himself but made sure that my sister and I were taken care of, when you lived with us. 

Today who knows if you would still struggle with addiction, if you were on this Earth. Today, I hope that you would have  overcome the needles and toxic waste you pumped into your body. 

I know I never could (not that I would want to) judge your heart. But I knew you had a love for God. I remember how hard you tried to leave the drugs behind. I remember the tears, prayers and fights. I remember a strong man who had a weak moment, and the world had overcome him. I will always have peace that you are in Heaven. I know, I'm not God, the ultimate judge. And I'm thankful I'm not. But ever since that dream that God gave me about you and I walking hand in hand in Heaven, I have peace. 

Michael, I know you couldn't always beat that addiction but it's okay because God has overcome it all, even death. My life wouldn't be the same without you or your death that took you too soon from your family.

Every stone I skip, summer swim I take, basketball game I play and song I sing, I do it in part with your memory at the forefront of my mind. I love you so much and I hope you are enjoying those streets of gold. 

Because of your death, I want to live intentionally. I want my family to know with peace and joy where I am and that I lived a truly fulfilling and not oppressing life. Because of your death, I want to live out love and never leave any doubt. 

Tomorrow you'll be gone for 10 years. You'll be addiction free, resting peacefully for 10 years. You'll still have the biggest heart of anyone I know. You'll still be more of a big brother to me, than an uncle. Tomorrow I will live better. Tomorrow is a new day, chance, dream. A time for someone else to overcome addiction on this earth. Tomorrow is a new day for redemption. Tomorrow you'll still be one of my favorite people, no matter the label, no matter the addiction. I love you (uncle) Michael Thomas Williams. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iXMNzaZgMEM

Afraid of squats

So okay okay, it may seem silly but to me it's completely intimidating...doing squats using the "smith machine". I have always wanted to try it because I do squats at home and love (hate) them but I was always so intimidated. Mostly by my fear of failure or looking stupid but today my husband was trying to push me into it because I've been talking about trying it for a while. So I did and to my surprise I did 5 without any weight but none the less I overcame a gym fear. I overcame fearing what people think of me when I'm at the gym. Because at the end of the day I went, I worked hard, and I didn't give up. 

Although I tried out the machine, I must prefer using free weights to do my squat work out but I think overcoming this fear was so much more than obtaining the skill itself. For me it was all about overcoming my criticism of myself. And every drop of sweat, grunt, burn and ache is so worth the growth I feel in my self esteem and health. 

To all my fellow people on a health journey, keep it up! For me it was the squat machine but for you it may be something else. You may look silly trying but it doesn't matter because you're trying! Don't give up! 

Days of grace

There is an absolutely wonderful 100 day challenge going about social media that urges people to recognize one thing a day that brings them happiness. I am a huge fan of this! We even have a thankful board in our house, to help us stay positive and humble. 

Listening to a cd from international house of prayer many years ago I heard a message about what days really are. There aren't good days. There aren't bad days. They are days of grace. How are we to judge our life and its quality based on one day? We can't. Every day is a day of grace, meaning...every day is a gift. Every day is a chance to accept the love that God has shown me and will always show me. Last week at church I was reminded that God seeks us, everything He has ever done was to show us His love. For me, it's really hard to accept that. I want to categorize and label my day. I want to blame my bad attitude and lack of motivation on a "bad day" but I can't...why? Because it's an excuse, and every day is a day of grace. 

Last night while I was frustrated over how my skin looks (thank you pms and pcos) and how nothing seems to work, and I cried because I'm so mad at spending money on this and feeling so unattractive....I had to stop myself and remind myself, what days really are. 

This morning as I was sobbing because I miss my uncle (10 years ago this month he passed away due to an oxy overdose) and I reflected on the problems my family has with addiction and division, I told myself (with much help of my husband) that this is still a day of grace. 

Even today while walking through target (which seemed to be swamped with babies and pregnant woman) I had to remind myself. This day does not define your happiness. My lack of having a child and wanting to bring life to this earth, is not going to define my happiness. Even as I passed the baby aisle and held back tears, I told myself this is not going to take away from my day of grace. 

So if you happen to follow my Instagram (feliciat6913) or we are friends on Facebook you'll see my #daysofgrace and that's basically my personal every day of thankfulness and happiness and while I post pictures of circumstantial happiness, it reminds me that I have the best reason to be happy and that is because I have accepted the love and grace that is there for everyone, from a loving God. I'm not saying every day is going to be amazingly perfect with bunnies and butterflies and rainbows because it's not unless you're living in the world of Lisa Frank!!! :-) but it can be so much more enJOYable if we allow it to be. 

           Today's day of grace picture. 

Let's talk about $

I don't know how many of you like numbers or math but I would always be the first to tell you I hate it. However, as I get older I've found a new love for numbers. I find extreme joy in crunching numbers when shopping, until I realize I'm spending money on things I don't need. Last year Jayme and I started a fast in attempt to reduce our intake. It's focused on food, clothing, media, and other things. Although we never finished the fast, I'm starting to think it's time to start it over. 

Growing up my family didn't have a whole lot of money. I never went without but we lived pay check to pay check. I was made fun of for the clothes I wore or even the off brand snacks I brought to school. My momma shopped at three different grocery stores and clipped coupons like crazy. My mom made a tiny budget work. 

Back in December when we first moved up to GR when had no money. We spent all our savings on our apartment and since my husband started his job the week the plant got paid and gets paid biweekly, we went three weeks without a check. During that time we had less than $100 for what we needed. Well should have been what we needed. Luckily, my mom was here to help us get groceries for a week with $30 for the three of us. My mom then shared a secret with me, she used to shop for our family of four on $50-100. I was mind blown. I never have appreciated grocery shopping until she told me that. The planning and preparation she did for grocery shopping so that she could utilize what resources we had. We never were on aid or assistance but not because my parents thought they were too good. But because they wanted to earn all they had. They wanted my sister and I to really value money. And unfortunately I can't say that I always have. 

I'll be the first to admit that I tend to be an impulse buyer. It may be because I didn't have a lot of the things I wanted growing up, it could be because it relieves anxiety for me, or it could be because something is just a great deal and I can't pass it up. Either way, I've let my parents hard work and efforts to teach me a lesson go in one ear and out the other. 

As I ask my husband now "can I or can we get this or do this" he says yes. He never tells me no. And while that may seem great, it's bad. Because I've talked so much about what I missed out on as a kid, my sweet hearted husband is trying to make up for that. Little did I know that's the main reason he can't tell me no. 

Today as his face went blank and he just sat there silent on the couch, I knew something was wrong. I crawled from my end of the couch to where he was sitting and just smiled at him. I got nothing in return. So I knew something was up. Tears filled his eyes and I asked what was wrong. Anticipating what always follows that he said it, the dirty, ugly, scary word in our house "money". I felt like a failure as a wife, best friend and partner. I ask and ask and ask. He gives and smiles. I don't realize the toll it takes on him. I never spend without asking him but he never says no. 

So after talking about the differences in us growing up with money and how it was spent/saved etc. We decided that we will have to come up with our own system. One that works for US. I will ask for less and when I feel a "want" coming on, I will put it on a list. He will be more active and say no when the budget can't handle it. We want to tackle any and all debt which isn't much aside from student loans. We want to build a foundation where money is saved, but not worshipped. We want to build a foundation on fulfilling needs and getting to the wants when we can. 

As our convo ended I looked up at my husband and looked into his eyes and said "That happy wife, happy life stuff is crap. It's about a happy us. Because part of my happiness is seeing you happy and where you need to be. It isn't about my materialistic wants." I haven't seen my husband smile that big in a while, as I watched that smile brighten up his eyes, I noticed a sense of relief and peace come across him. 

It was so cool to bring Jayme to my world today. We walked through Aldi and he was amazed at the prices. We went to meijer afterwards and compared prices on what we got (basically a fun scavenger hunt) and we found that what we got for $20 at Aldi, we would've paid $37 for at meijer. It made me smile and feel nostalgic and more thankful for my mom's preparation and my dad's hard work, more than ever in my life. 

Change

I have come to the conclusion that I see change from a very different view than many. I have learned to embrace change and to freely blow where its winds take me. I wasn't always such a friend or fan of change. Like many I feared it. I ran from it. And I avoided it at all costs. However, as I've gotten older I've realized this beautiful life I live would be in shambles if it weren't for change. 

To many, change is death or an end to something they are comfortable with. And while I agree that change can be overwhelming because it can strip us of what we know, and may take for granted, it makes you do what you never said you would. Change can bring out colors we hate in ourselves and in others. But that's the point of change, growth. Change can also bring out the most beautiful parts of our soul, if we let it. 

For me, change means life and growth (picture a green thumb). Change represents sobriety from substance abuse. Change shows recovery from a horribly dark and abuse filled childhood. But most importantly, change represents breaking the cycle. And to me, change has saved my life not only in this world but with my relationship with God. I had to change. Die to myself. Change is such a scary subject. It often causes people in power to oppress other people. But, what if the oppression starts with us?What if, we can start with ourselves and make the changes we have feared for far too long? I learned for myself that change means I don't have to be a captive to depression, anger, and feeling worthless. 

I am not claiming that change is easy but if it were, we wouldn't fear it. Change is a beautiful journey. Much like our lives. And change creates the beautiful twists and turns in our stories. Sometimes painful but sometimes bright and joyful. Don't be afraid to travel a path unknown. Don't be afraid to go for it. Don't hold back. Share your story.