Ovulated!!! Haha sorry for the corny humor, one way I deal with my stubborn ovaries is to joke about it from time to time. I pulled this one on the hubs and he was cracking up. Then immediately realized what I said and tried to console me while I was still laughing. If you're like me, don't feel bad for laughing at what's going on. And no I don't make jokes because I'm in denial. I am just a corny person who loves to laugh. Even if I have to make myself laugh. Also, don't be surprised if your loved ones try to scold you for joking, they're just worried and care about you! Like my husband :)
Today I read a wonderful article that talked about the jealousy of women who have fertility problems. And I have to be honest and admit that I have felt and thought many of the same thoughts but I also have found some understanding and peace. Although, back in October when I found out I have pcos and having children would pose as a difficult journey, I did not have a bright positive attitude. Even now some days it's really a struggle.
It hurt me that many women I knew who were pregnant and or have kids would complain. There I was sitting here crying from the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to bed. I longed for their complaints. I longed to actually be pregnant, I mean why not my pcos symptoms reflect pregnancy symptoms. It wasn't fair that I was experiencing so many of those "early pregnancy joys" but had no fetus growing inside of me to make those symptoms joyful and not painful.
That's when I started to examine my situation. While I had no children and have physical pain and embarrassing endocrine probs, I had time to spend with just my husband. On the days I had energy, I got to spend my energy doing what I want. On the days I had an appetite, I could eat what I want (for the most part). On the days I could actually sleep, my kind husband would let me. I didn't and couldn't understand the frustrations of a tired, overworked, sacrificing mom because well I am not one. Yes, I've taken care of many people in my life. Especially my momma. But still, she's not my child. She's someone I love and care for yes but still she isn't dependent upon my every decision. My choices don't dictate how her life will turn out.
That's when I started to try to step back and appreciate those things I saw women complaining about. Yes I wanted to scream and yell at them, "Hey at least you haven't had to deal infertility, miscarriage, etc." But I stopped myself because they still had a journey to bringing life to their child. And I firmly believe every journey is a story that's worth being told. In the end, almost all of the women I've seen complain about pregnancy have later on turned around and said how grateful they were for those things during motherhood. And when their children have grown up to have their own kids, I've watched them console their children when they are the ones traveling the journey to motherhood.
I've come to terms with what I have. And while I hear many miracle baby stories (my husband and I both are) I admire them but I don't build my hopes on THAT. I build my hopes on the love I receive from my God and my husband. No matter how my ovaries function. No matter if I can bring life to this earth the "natural way". The way I see it is, what if my husband and I are meant to adopt kiddos that are already here in dire need if love, affection, attention and time? What if we SAVE lives? What if instead of me burning through my energy and mental capacity, I spend those things on saving lives here?
Now, I'm not saying I give up on carrying and birthing children. But what I'm saying is that while I admire and cherish the stories of all of the women who had babies when they thought or were told they couldn't, I also admire the stories of those who let God close that door and open another. I admire the strength and bravery of all women but lately instead of seeing pregnant women and crying/being bitter and getting way too emotional, I have connected with them in a way that says "their birth experience is one of a kind." How can I miss out on someone else's experience? In the end every woman that I've talked to has told me a different story about their labor and birth. The details of the process may be similar but they see it differently. They've all chosen different names, different ways to celebrate the babies birth, different decorations etc. This experience is unique to each individual. They are the only ones who can know and understand fully how they feel and sometimes they can't even put it into words because they're so overwhelmed.
And then I realize, I'm not that different from them and there's no reason for me to be jealous. I am overwhelmed too but by the fears of failing to get pregnant. To be good to the life that's already here on this earth. To be strong and courageous and have it all in order. But the harsh reality is that life doesn't come with a handbook. We have to take it day by day, and realize each day is a day of grace. Lately, I feel such a strong pull towards adoption and although my husband and I are in no place to yet be adopting, I feel such joy, emotion, love and gratitude for those who adopt and have been adopted. I know that not every child adopted has a good experience but neither does every child born and raised by their biological family.
So part of me gets annoyed when people say they hope I can get pregnant and have my own child. Because if that's not God's plan for me, I don't want it. I want to be where He is. And while He knows the desires of my heart, I am not so sure that I always do. I choose to instead believe He will bring us lives to change, grow and impact. And for me, that's all I want. While some days I get sad and long to feel and experience pregnancy, I know that I need to just be still, soak in where I am now and keep praying.
I'm so thankful for the women who have shared their fertility struggle with me. It blesses my heart, their consideration towards me and understanding. Their vulnerability and bravery. It's scary to be a women who faces the possibility of not being able to provide children. Society makes it incredibly pressuring. I'm so blessed that my fertility situation has connected me to others. To tell them about my faith and to tell them that they matter. Thank you to all of you who have been incredibly vulnerable to me and to those who have been incredibly sensitive. Especially the women who have children. You have no idea how much your words mean. How much your consideration and kindness means. I'm not asking that you walk around on egg shells around me or any other women in my situation but the love/support/encouragement I've been shown by these mommas is amazing.
Also, I apologize to all mommas that I have envied and not appreciating your journey. I hope that one day there will be more appreciation between and forboth journeys. That motherhood wouldn't separate and label women. Keep up the hard work Moms!
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