Necessarily painful car fights

Today on our almost two hour travel back to GR it got ugly, emotional and beautiful in our car. 

In respect and honor of my husband I will refrain from bashing him, or pointing out his flaws publicly. I just don't feel right about it, especially since he does nothing but lift me up and encourage who I am publicly, as well as, in our home. 

With that being said, I'm sure some of you have experienced car fights. The "why are you doing that, going that way, getting frustrated and being mean to me fights" and for my husband and I, the time we bicker the most is because of the reasons above, silly we know. Truly it isn't how the person is driving or whatever that sparks the argument. Typically it's because someone has their feelings hurt and hasn't said anything about it but the car frustrations escalade and lead to an outpouring of pent up emotions. 

While we were hashing things out something dawned on me. My husband had forgotten the joy of his salvation and who was I to judge because a few months ago I was in that place too. Because I love him, I refused to let an opportunity to encourage him pass us by. 

So I said, "Do you not realize we have the best reason to be happy?" He just kinda looked at me funny and I said "Seriously, we have Heaven! We have eternal paradise. Everyone lives eternally spiritually, our souls have been sanctified and because we have accepted that gift of grace and choose to believe, we can have hope in Heaven." (I don't think we should forget about life here but I don't think we should dwell on what's temporary)

He just let a few tears roll down his cheek in silence and I just watched my husband break before me. I watched a weight lift off his shoulders and his heart melt. He expressed his frustration with his job, being put down and belittled, being made fun of as a kid and into college and it's impacting his self esteem (we've all been there) and I just told him, "Yes. People are mean at all phases of their life. People are bitter and have no hope. But that's not you. And that doesn't have to dictate your life. That is NOT eternal. This is not our "home" and Heaven does not have negativity." 

At this point, I started to realize what joy I get out of my salvation and the topic of Heaven. I asked him, "You know why the thought of Heaven encourages me? The thought that I won't have PCOS, I won't feel the sting of fertility issues, death has no no no power or overwhelming influence there, there is no cancer, no addiction, no pain. I don't have to hurt over my family, I don't have to ache over lost relationships. I don't have to deal with bullies." While I kept listing things a huge smile cracked across his face and I started to sob, tears of joy. 

I don't think I have cried tears of joy like that since my wedding day and even then I wasn't as weepy then as I was today. It was that realization for me to have and translate to my sweet husband that broke whatever tension was there. And for the rest of the ride home we chatted about anything and everything, sang loud with the radio, enjoyed the sunshine and for the first time in a long time I layed my head on his shoulder with peace and just admired the man he is. 

I am so blessed by his friendship and love, romance aside. He is pretty much the male version of myself but I still learn so much about him every day and I am so honored to be his wife. Jay, thank you for seriously making my life better and helping me to be a better version of myself. 

Worry:can't stop vs won't stop

Visited a church today where the sermon was delivered by a guest speaker who is a psychiatrist. Possibly one of the most influential sermons I've heard, for me. 

Worry is something I struggle with partly because I'm a control freak and partly because anxiety runs rampant in my family, along with many different mental illnesses. It's good to know I serve a God who doesn't stop loving me because I worry too much at times. This truly showed me how much I need to work on this issue. And how I need to stop being a temporary believer, I desire a faith so deep that I always turn to what I believe, in every situation. 

Along with this conviction I felt from this message, I felt such joy. The speaker mentioned can't or won't we stop, will we try to at least or just take defeat. He spoke about it being our will power or for some a psych/neuro issue. And I love love love the focus he had on being shameless about mental health or disorders.

Coming from a home, family and gene pool full of anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, etc. it was comforting to know that there are Christians out there who don't look down on those who cannot choose what is handed down to them, so to speak. However, he talked about ways to approach stress with medication for those who need it, and those who don't. He discussed real, raw issues and it was so hard for me to swallow but so beautiful.

I've been around many people who say they are Christians/believers that have belittled people who struggle with any mental problem. They say "pray harder,  you don't believe enough...". But today, that perception and judgement I had changed. The shame I was feeling about where I come from, what I've overcome and still struggle/fight against turned into being grateful I've overcome. That bitterness melted away and my wound started to heal. All in all, I was VERY blessed, changed and touched by this sermon. It was like God melted parts in my heart today that I never even realized I had let grow cold. Towards myself, my mom, my family,those who have hurt all of us and even God. 

In case you can't tell, I love taking notes and I love psychology. Hence, why I have my BS in it!:-) 

Running

We have never had a great relationship between my asthma, loose ligaments in my ankles, high blood pressure and slight heart murmur. I have never had a good "chance" at a healthy running relationship...

However, I let that remain an excuse to not try for a very long time. Mostly out of fear. You'll find out quick when it comes to working out, I get afraid. Here are my three reasons why. 

1)I have had numerous severe sprains in my ankles, which I wish I would've just broken my ankle. My left ankle is STILL swollen from a running accident back in 2011. And I was told I will more than likely, always have swelling. It sucks. 

2)I went on a health kick when I started going to GVSU since they have a nice facility and it was included in my tuition. But when I really started to get on a kick of working out and running, I happened to catch mono. I had three cycles of it before it disappeared. I pray it stays gone. I had a swollen spleen for a long time which left me unable to workout. Also just FYI my last cycle of mono occurred just a month and a half before my severe sprain of 2011. 

3)I'm afraid of what other people think of me.

And we can lecture about number 3 all we want but in order to overcome that fear, you have to face it. And that's EXACTLY what I've been doing. And that's the reason I get anxious every day before I walk into the gym. But today I left proud. I walked around the gym with my head held high because I beat my personal record for a mile. And I unfortunately found myself worrying that people would think "why is she proud of that time?" "Why should we care?" "Oh, you ran it on an elliptical psh". But you know what, I made a big deal about it anyways. Because to me I beat a lot more than a personal record for a mile time. I beat intimidation and shame of myself. I beat the thought that I cannot do this, I'm too fat, I have high bp etc etc. Any of the other junk that floods my mind and I'm sure some of you. I was so proud I went and bought a new wine to try with my dinner (salmon, baked sweet potato and salad). I rewarded myself with a HEALTHY meal. I've NEVER done that. 

So yes, it started with some tears in the middle of the grocery store from seeing all the cute babies and pregnant women. It took anger. Frustration. Pain. And defeat for me to overcome many fears. Today I walked into the gym afraid to run the mile (long time fear, even before I was overweight) and I practically skipped out of the gym with pride, joy and confidence. 

For anyone who is trying to lose weight, stop!!!!! Please. Let your focus be so much MORE than a number. Be healthy and that will come with it. If we focus more on what we do to our bodies and what we put in them, we will be healthier all around and eventually the weight will come off. Make it permanent. Make changes. Over come YOUR fears and believe in YOU. 

Best feeling in the world, sweat pouring down my face, no make up, legs feeling like jello. I don't come to the gym to look pretty, I come to the gym to work hard and it's my hope that when I leave I will look like I worked hard. 

People

People are so important to me, almost at times too important. I have to remind myself that we are all human and none of us should be placed on a pedestal because that will only lead to heartache. Not to mention, it can lead me to put people before God. 

With that being said, most of my favorite people live far away from me, with the exception of my husband. So whenever I see these people, my camera is out the whole time, snapping shots between laughter and hugs! I'm so incredibly thankful for the past weekend and the beautiful people that filled it! 

 

I only wish that they could all see themselves the way I do. With utmost admiration and love. With a forgiving eye and graceful embrace. 

MTW:Leave No Doubt

Happy birthday Uncle Michael. 

Today you'd be 39, and I would probably be calling you an old fart or something like that, which would more than likely result in a wrestling match. 

Today you'd be able to teach your daughter things like you taught me. I'll never forget that you taught me how to swim, skip rocks on the water and spin a basketball on my finger. 

Today you'd probably still be telling all of us nieces and nephews that you used to spit in the cereal when you worked at the factory.  Oh, and you'd probably still try to convince me that dog treats are cookies haha, thanks for that. 

Today you and I would probably still have our infamous "dog fighting" matches. I'd still choose to be a small dog first. Then you'd choose to be a pit and that would lead me to say "Fine! I'm all the dogs in the world, strongest, scariest ones!"  Then you'd let me win a wrestling match. And encourage me to keep singing and never give up on anything. No matter how scary it is. 

Today you would still be the big ole teddy bear that I remember you to be. The one who never took enough care of himself but made sure that my sister and I were taken care of, when you lived with us. 

Today who knows if you would still struggle with addiction, if you were on this Earth. Today, I hope that you would have  overcome the needles and toxic waste you pumped into your body. 

I know I never could (not that I would want to) judge your heart. But I knew you had a love for God. I remember how hard you tried to leave the drugs behind. I remember the tears, prayers and fights. I remember a strong man who had a weak moment, and the world had overcome him. I will always have peace that you are in Heaven. I know, I'm not God, the ultimate judge. And I'm thankful I'm not. But ever since that dream that God gave me about you and I walking hand in hand in Heaven, I have peace. 

Michael, I know you couldn't always beat that addiction but it's okay because God has overcome it all, even death. My life wouldn't be the same without you or your death that took you too soon from your family.

Every stone I skip, summer swim I take, basketball game I play and song I sing, I do it in part with your memory at the forefront of my mind. I love you so much and I hope you are enjoying those streets of gold. 

Because of your death, I want to live intentionally. I want my family to know with peace and joy where I am and that I lived a truly fulfilling and not oppressing life. Because of your death, I want to live out love and never leave any doubt. 

Tomorrow you'll be gone for 10 years. You'll be addiction free, resting peacefully for 10 years. You'll still have the biggest heart of anyone I know. You'll still be more of a big brother to me, than an uncle. Tomorrow I will live better. Tomorrow is a new day, chance, dream. A time for someone else to overcome addiction on this earth. Tomorrow is a new day for redemption. Tomorrow you'll still be one of my favorite people, no matter the label, no matter the addiction. I love you (uncle) Michael Thomas Williams. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iXMNzaZgMEM

Afraid of squats

So okay okay, it may seem silly but to me it's completely intimidating...doing squats using the "smith machine". I have always wanted to try it because I do squats at home and love (hate) them but I was always so intimidated. Mostly by my fear of failure or looking stupid but today my husband was trying to push me into it because I've been talking about trying it for a while. So I did and to my surprise I did 5 without any weight but none the less I overcame a gym fear. I overcame fearing what people think of me when I'm at the gym. Because at the end of the day I went, I worked hard, and I didn't give up. 

Although I tried out the machine, I must prefer using free weights to do my squat work out but I think overcoming this fear was so much more than obtaining the skill itself. For me it was all about overcoming my criticism of myself. And every drop of sweat, grunt, burn and ache is so worth the growth I feel in my self esteem and health. 

To all my fellow people on a health journey, keep it up! For me it was the squat machine but for you it may be something else. You may look silly trying but it doesn't matter because you're trying! Don't give up! 

Days of grace

There is an absolutely wonderful 100 day challenge going about social media that urges people to recognize one thing a day that brings them happiness. I am a huge fan of this! We even have a thankful board in our house, to help us stay positive and humble. 

Listening to a cd from international house of prayer many years ago I heard a message about what days really are. There aren't good days. There aren't bad days. They are days of grace. How are we to judge our life and its quality based on one day? We can't. Every day is a day of grace, meaning...every day is a gift. Every day is a chance to accept the love that God has shown me and will always show me. Last week at church I was reminded that God seeks us, everything He has ever done was to show us His love. For me, it's really hard to accept that. I want to categorize and label my day. I want to blame my bad attitude and lack of motivation on a "bad day" but I can't...why? Because it's an excuse, and every day is a day of grace. 

Last night while I was frustrated over how my skin looks (thank you pms and pcos) and how nothing seems to work, and I cried because I'm so mad at spending money on this and feeling so unattractive....I had to stop myself and remind myself, what days really are. 

This morning as I was sobbing because I miss my uncle (10 years ago this month he passed away due to an oxy overdose) and I reflected on the problems my family has with addiction and division, I told myself (with much help of my husband) that this is still a day of grace. 

Even today while walking through target (which seemed to be swamped with babies and pregnant woman) I had to remind myself. This day does not define your happiness. My lack of having a child and wanting to bring life to this earth, is not going to define my happiness. Even as I passed the baby aisle and held back tears, I told myself this is not going to take away from my day of grace. 

So if you happen to follow my Instagram (feliciat6913) or we are friends on Facebook you'll see my #daysofgrace and that's basically my personal every day of thankfulness and happiness and while I post pictures of circumstantial happiness, it reminds me that I have the best reason to be happy and that is because I have accepted the love and grace that is there for everyone, from a loving God. I'm not saying every day is going to be amazingly perfect with bunnies and butterflies and rainbows because it's not unless you're living in the world of Lisa Frank!!! :-) but it can be so much more enJOYable if we allow it to be. 

           Today's day of grace picture. 

Let's talk about $

I don't know how many of you like numbers or math but I would always be the first to tell you I hate it. However, as I get older I've found a new love for numbers. I find extreme joy in crunching numbers when shopping, until I realize I'm spending money on things I don't need. Last year Jayme and I started a fast in attempt to reduce our intake. It's focused on food, clothing, media, and other things. Although we never finished the fast, I'm starting to think it's time to start it over. 

Growing up my family didn't have a whole lot of money. I never went without but we lived pay check to pay check. I was made fun of for the clothes I wore or even the off brand snacks I brought to school. My momma shopped at three different grocery stores and clipped coupons like crazy. My mom made a tiny budget work. 

Back in December when we first moved up to GR when had no money. We spent all our savings on our apartment and since my husband started his job the week the plant got paid and gets paid biweekly, we went three weeks without a check. During that time we had less than $100 for what we needed. Well should have been what we needed. Luckily, my mom was here to help us get groceries for a week with $30 for the three of us. My mom then shared a secret with me, she used to shop for our family of four on $50-100. I was mind blown. I never have appreciated grocery shopping until she told me that. The planning and preparation she did for grocery shopping so that she could utilize what resources we had. We never were on aid or assistance but not because my parents thought they were too good. But because they wanted to earn all they had. They wanted my sister and I to really value money. And unfortunately I can't say that I always have. 

I'll be the first to admit that I tend to be an impulse buyer. It may be because I didn't have a lot of the things I wanted growing up, it could be because it relieves anxiety for me, or it could be because something is just a great deal and I can't pass it up. Either way, I've let my parents hard work and efforts to teach me a lesson go in one ear and out the other. 

As I ask my husband now "can I or can we get this or do this" he says yes. He never tells me no. And while that may seem great, it's bad. Because I've talked so much about what I missed out on as a kid, my sweet hearted husband is trying to make up for that. Little did I know that's the main reason he can't tell me no. 

Today as his face went blank and he just sat there silent on the couch, I knew something was wrong. I crawled from my end of the couch to where he was sitting and just smiled at him. I got nothing in return. So I knew something was up. Tears filled his eyes and I asked what was wrong. Anticipating what always follows that he said it, the dirty, ugly, scary word in our house "money". I felt like a failure as a wife, best friend and partner. I ask and ask and ask. He gives and smiles. I don't realize the toll it takes on him. I never spend without asking him but he never says no. 

So after talking about the differences in us growing up with money and how it was spent/saved etc. We decided that we will have to come up with our own system. One that works for US. I will ask for less and when I feel a "want" coming on, I will put it on a list. He will be more active and say no when the budget can't handle it. We want to tackle any and all debt which isn't much aside from student loans. We want to build a foundation where money is saved, but not worshipped. We want to build a foundation on fulfilling needs and getting to the wants when we can. 

As our convo ended I looked up at my husband and looked into his eyes and said "That happy wife, happy life stuff is crap. It's about a happy us. Because part of my happiness is seeing you happy and where you need to be. It isn't about my materialistic wants." I haven't seen my husband smile that big in a while, as I watched that smile brighten up his eyes, I noticed a sense of relief and peace come across him. 

It was so cool to bring Jayme to my world today. We walked through Aldi and he was amazed at the prices. We went to meijer afterwards and compared prices on what we got (basically a fun scavenger hunt) and we found that what we got for $20 at Aldi, we would've paid $37 for at meijer. It made me smile and feel nostalgic and more thankful for my mom's preparation and my dad's hard work, more than ever in my life. 

Change

I have come to the conclusion that I see change from a very different view than many. I have learned to embrace change and to freely blow where its winds take me. I wasn't always such a friend or fan of change. Like many I feared it. I ran from it. And I avoided it at all costs. However, as I've gotten older I've realized this beautiful life I live would be in shambles if it weren't for change. 

To many, change is death or an end to something they are comfortable with. And while I agree that change can be overwhelming because it can strip us of what we know, and may take for granted, it makes you do what you never said you would. Change can bring out colors we hate in ourselves and in others. But that's the point of change, growth. Change can also bring out the most beautiful parts of our soul, if we let it. 

For me, change means life and growth (picture a green thumb). Change represents sobriety from substance abuse. Change shows recovery from a horribly dark and abuse filled childhood. But most importantly, change represents breaking the cycle. And to me, change has saved my life not only in this world but with my relationship with God. I had to change. Die to myself. Change is such a scary subject. It often causes people in power to oppress other people. But, what if the oppression starts with us?What if, we can start with ourselves and make the changes we have feared for far too long? I learned for myself that change means I don't have to be a captive to depression, anger, and feeling worthless. 

I am not claiming that change is easy but if it were, we wouldn't fear it. Change is a beautiful journey. Much like our lives. And change creates the beautiful twists and turns in our stories. Sometimes painful but sometimes bright and joyful. Don't be afraid to travel a path unknown. Don't be afraid to go for it. Don't hold back. Share your story. 

How would you like your eggs?

Ovulated!!! Haha sorry for the corny humor, one way I deal with my stubborn ovaries is to joke about it from time to time. I pulled this one on the hubs and he  was cracking up. Then immediately realized what I said and tried to console me while I was still laughing. If you're like me, don't feel bad for laughing at what's going on. And no I don't make jokes because I'm in denial. I am just a corny person who loves to laugh. Even if I have to make myself laugh. Also, don't be surprised if your loved ones try to scold you for joking, they're just worried and care about you! Like my husband :) 

Today I read a wonderful article that talked about the jealousy of women who have fertility problems. And I have to be honest and admit that I have felt and thought many of the same thoughts but I also have found some understanding and peace. Although, back in October when I found out I have pcos and having children would pose as a difficult journey, I did not have a bright positive attitude. Even now some days it's really a struggle. 

It hurt me that many women I knew who were pregnant and or have kids would complain. There I was sitting here crying from the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to bed. I longed for their complaints. I longed to actually be pregnant, I mean why not my pcos symptoms reflect pregnancy symptoms. It wasn't fair that I was experiencing so many of those "early pregnancy joys" but had no fetus growing inside of me to make those symptoms joyful and not painful. 

That's when I started to examine my situation. While I had no children and have physical pain and embarrassing endocrine probs, I had time to spend with just my husband. On the days I had energy, I got to spend my energy doing what I want. On the days I had an appetite, I could eat what I want (for the most part). On the days I could actually sleep, my kind husband would let me. I didn't and couldn't understand the frustrations of a tired, overworked, sacrificing mom because well I am not one. Yes, I've taken care of many people in my life. Especially my momma. But still, she's not my child. She's someone I love and care for yes but still she isn't dependent upon my every decision. My choices don't dictate how her life will turn out. 

That's when I started to try to step back and appreciate those things I saw women complaining about. Yes I wanted to scream and yell at them, "Hey at least you haven't had to deal infertility, miscarriage, etc." But I stopped myself because they still had a journey to bringing life to their child. And I firmly believe every journey is a story that's worth being told. In the end, almost all of the women I've seen complain about pregnancy have later on turned around and said how grateful they were for those things during motherhood. And when their children have grown up to have their own kids, I've  watched them console their children when they are the ones traveling the journey to motherhood. 

I've come to terms with what I have. And while I hear many miracle baby stories (my husband and I both are) I admire them but I don't build my hopes on THAT. I build my hopes on the love I receive from my God and my husband. No matter how my ovaries function. No matter if I can bring life to this earth the "natural way". The way I see it is, what if my husband and I are meant to adopt kiddos that are already here in dire need if love, affection, attention and time? What if we SAVE lives? What if instead of me burning through my energy and mental capacity, I spend those things on saving lives here?

Now, I'm not saying I give up on carrying and birthing children. But what I'm saying is that while I admire and cherish the stories of all of the women who had babies when they thought or were told they couldn't, I also admire the stories of those who let God close that door and open another. I admire the strength and bravery of all women but lately instead of seeing pregnant women and crying/being bitter and getting way too emotional, I have connected with them in a way that says "their birth experience is one of a kind." How can I miss out on someone else's experience? In the end every woman that I've talked to has told me a different story about their labor and birth. The details of the process may be similar but they see it differently. They've all chosen different names, different ways to celebrate the babies birth, different decorations etc. This experience is unique to each individual. They are the only ones who can know and understand fully how they feel and sometimes they can't even put it into words because they're so overwhelmed. 

And then I realize, I'm not that different from them and there's no reason for me to be jealous. I am overwhelmed too but by the fears of failing to get pregnant. To be good to the life that's already here on this earth. To be strong and courageous and have it all in order. But the harsh reality is that life doesn't come with a handbook. We have to take it day by day, and realize each day is a day of grace. Lately, I feel such a strong pull towards adoption and although my husband and I are in no place to yet be adopting, I feel such joy, emotion, love and gratitude for those who adopt and have been adopted. I know that not every child adopted has a good experience but neither does every child born and raised by their biological family. 

So part of me gets annoyed when people say they hope I can get pregnant and have my own child. Because if that's not God's plan for me, I don't want it. I want to be where He is. And while He knows the desires of my heart, I am not so sure that I always do.  I choose to instead believe He will bring us lives to change, grow and impact. And for me, that's all I want. While some days I get sad and long to feel and experience pregnancy, I know that I need to just be still, soak in where I am now and keep praying. 

I'm so thankful for the women who have shared their fertility struggle with me. It blesses my heart, their consideration towards me and understanding. Their vulnerability and bravery. It's scary to be a women who faces the possibility of not being able to provide children. Society makes it incredibly pressuring. I'm so blessed that my fertility situation has connected me to others. To tell them about my faith and to tell them that they matter. Thank you to all of you who have been incredibly vulnerable to me and to those who have been incredibly sensitive. Especially the women who have children. You have no idea how much your words mean. How much your consideration and kindness means. I'm not asking that you walk around on egg shells around me or any other women in my situation but the love/support/encouragement  I've been shown by these mommas is amazing. 

Also, I apologize to all mommas that I have envied and not appreciating your journey. I hope that one day there will be more appreciation between and forboth  journeys. That motherhood wouldn't separate and label women. Keep up the hard work Moms!